He Who Must Not Be Poked and the Dream Eaters
by electo1996
Summary: No plot? Badly written scenes? Constant spelling mistakes? You probably won't find these in this story depending on the reliability of Microsoft Spell Checker! Voldemort and his Death Eaters are known to be an unfunny bunch of villains. But what if I told you, that they weren't?
1. Chapter 1: You Know Who

**A/N: Here's my new fic. It just suddenly popped into my mind a while back, and now it has taken corporeal form. Keep in mind, that this chapter is an alternate version of the part in Goblet of Fire where Harry is portkeyed to the Graveyard. Also, the breakout from Azkaban has already happened and Snape has already announced his devotion to Voldy. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

**Chapter 1: You-Know-Who**

The large auditorium was filled with old antique armchairs. The people sitting in the armchairs were hastily chatting with each other.

"So, Dolohov, how was the stint in Azkaban?" asked Snape.

"Horrible! I remembered that I left my pet Kneazle at home without food!" sobbed the wizard named Dolohov. The other wizard, Snape, grinned at him, and was cackling like a maniac.

"Oh please Dolohov! Don't you know that Kneazles are highly intelligent pets? Anyone who's read Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them, knows that!"

Dolohov instantly ceased his sobbing.

* * *

The lights in the auditorium dimmed, and a single spotlight shone upon an apparently empty podium. Suddenly, the curtains behind drew back, to reveal a tall and almost skeletal like man. Everyone clapped in support for the recently revealed man. He held up a hand to cease their clapping.

"Thank you," said the man. He walked up to the podium and held his wand to his throat. "_Sonorus!_" he muttered. He gazed his red eyes up at everyone. "Welcome back, Death Eaters. It has been way too long since we were last united," The Death Eaters nodded at these words. The man continued to address them. "Lord Voldemort is most pleased that you could arrive at my very own play!" exclaimed Voldemort. Everyone merely looked puzzled at his words. A woman had stood up from in front of Snape and Dolohov.

"My lord, we do not understand what you mean. Would you be obliged to explain it for us?" she asked. Voldemort merely looked down at her coldly.

"I'm quite certain Bellatrix, that you have already received the message on your mark?"

The woman named Bellatrix rolled up her sleeves to reveal a tattoo the resembled a skull with a snake protruding from its mouth. A small box on the skull's forehead bore the words: **LordVoldy announces play at 8:00. Don't be late. **_**1 hour ago from Voldemort**_

Bellatrix gasped at this revelation, and then turned her gaze back at Voldemort.

"When did you install this Twitter application?" demanded Bellatrix. Voldemort smiled down at her.

"Just a few hours ago. That was my first try at a message. Do you like it?" asked Voldemort hopefully.

"Do I like it???" said Bellatrix.

"I ADORE IT!" she screamed. She cackled madly, until her husband Rodolphus took her into the Anger Dome for relaxation. He hurried back into the auditorium a few minutes later.

"I apologize, my Lord," said Rodolphus. "She has taken medication prescribed by the Healers at St. Mungo's. But there are side-effects," he added. Voldemort nodded and resumed his announcement.

* * *

"Well, this play is expected to receive high ratings from the Daily Prophet, and…"

"QUIT STALLING! WHAT'S THE PLAY ABOUT?" screamed Avery. Everyone in the auditorium gasped at his sudden outburst.

"You dare interrupt Lord Voldemort?" said Voldemort dangerously. Avery had calmed down and turned a very light shade of lilac.

"_Crucio!_" screamed Voldemort. Avery screamed and writhed in pain until he fell onto the carpet and twitched in random moments.

"Now, the play is called 'Potter finally dies' and the main actor is _moi,_" said Voldemort. The Death Eaters merely scratched their heads at the final word.

"For Merlin's sake people! 'Moi' is 'me' in French! Voldemort is a French name everyone!" screamed Voldemort. A number of "ah's" and "oh's were heard.

"The guest star will be my very own arch enemy, Harry Potter, who has recently arrived here by portkey not too long ago!" A loud bang filled the room, and behind Voldemort, was Harry Potter, struggling to free himself from the ropes binding him to a chair.

"Wormtail has kindly binded Mr. Potter to his chair using the _Incarcerous _spell,"

Ropes suddenly burst from Voldemort's wand, and were rapidly flying through the air towards Lucius Malfoy.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Lucius. He hastily tried to escape the ropes grasp by running towards the exit, but Rabastan Lestrange's legs had tripped him over.

"Oops! Sorry _Lucy_! I hope you didn't lose all your hair gel," laughed Rabastan. Lucius glared at him, before severing the ropes and taking his seat again.

"My apologies Lucius, and now… we will commence the play! Wormtail, switch on the fog machine, Nott, dim the lights; and Yaxley… DO NOTHING! This will be perfect!" commanded Voldemort.

"But Wormtail, give him back his wand!"


	2. Chapter 2: The Duel

**A/N: Another chapter to complete the two-part 'Graveyard' arc.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

**Chapter 2: The Duel**

Voldemort cut the ropes binding Harry to the chair and then kicked him onto the floor. "Harry Potter, you have too long been a pawn in my path and now, I will destroy you once and for all," said Voldemort. Harry was ready for Voldemort's curse. The green jet had missed Harry by inches as he ducked behind the curtains. Voldemort laughed at Harry's attempts to escape.

"There is no escape Potter! Your little Hufflepuff friend has been taken backstage for Nagini to devour, after I conquer you!" yelled Voldemort. The Death Eaters joined in the laughter as they walked up onto the stage to watch their master battle Harry. Harry shot a number of stunners at Voldemort, who lazily blocked them with a protego spell. "Is that the best you can do Harry? Your mother and father certainly had your confidence… but none of your cowardice!" laughed Voldemort. Harry had sprinted behind the curtains, and he saw something horrible. Cedric was lying on the floor with his face etched with horror. Surrounding him were fake tombstones and a backdrop of an old house. Harry heard Voldemort mocking him from behind and turned to face him. Voldemort's terrible face leered at Harry as he pointed his wand at him. "And now Potter, your fate has been sealed!"

* * *

Harry raised his wand at Voldemort who was meters away from him. "If you say so Voldy," smirked Harry. Voldemort had a look of utter hatred on his face.

"Voldy? VOLDY? That's it Potter! You're dead! _Avada Kedavra_!" bellowed Voldemort. Harry was ready this time. A split second before Voldemort released his spell, Harry had yelled _Expelliarmus_! A giant crack seemed to sound between them, as Voldemort's green jet had collided with Harry's scarlet jet. A golden ball of light had appeared between Harry's and Voldemort's spells, causing them to neither reach their target. A beautiful sound played from somewhere high above. Arcs of misty substance erupted from the centre as they circled Voldemort and Harry. The Death Eaters stood in shock at what they saw.

"What do we do, my lord?" asked Snape. Voldemort did not turn to reply.

"Do nothing! Do nothing, unless I command you to!" screamed Voldemort.

Harry saw misty bodies appear wherever the arcs landed. Cedric, an old man, Bertha Jorkins then finally, his mum and dad. Harry was shocked to see Cedric and his mum and dad appear, while Voldemort apparently did not notice them appear. Suddenly, more bodies appeared out of no where. The next one claimed their name was Dorcas Meadowes but before another could appear, his parents spoke to him.

"Harry, if you continue the connection, he will eventually break it himself! If you break it now, we can give you time to get back to the cup, but you must hurry!" said James.

Harry nodded at him and continued to hold onto his wand. Lily had now appeared by Harry's side with her hand on his shoulder.

"You are so brave Harry! We could never be prouder of you!"

Harry felt tears drop from his eyes at these words.

"Thanks mum," he sniffed.

"Harry," said Cedric. "Take my body back to my parents, and I would like to thank you for everything you have done to help me,"

It was almost too much to bear. Harry stared back up at Voldemort who glared back at him.

"The cup is tucked under my right arm, Harry. Do you understand what to do?" asked Cedric. Harry nodded, and his wand started to vibrate uncontrollably.

"One…two…THREE!" Harry wrenched his wand away, and darted for Cedric's body.

Voldemort screamed as the misty bodies blocked his view.

"Somebody stun him!" screamed Voldemort. Snape ran forward through the smoke and grabbed his hand onto Harry's shoulder. Harry didn't notice him as he lifted Cedric's arm and grabbed the cup.

"Not tonight you don't Potter!" snarled Snape. It was too late. Snape felt a tugging feeling behind his navel, and then, he was gone.

* * *

The smoke had finally settled when Voldemort sprinted forward with his wand jerking around everywhere. He finally realized what had happened. He fell to his knees and screamed.

"NO!" sobbed Voldemort. Footsteps where heard from behind the rest of the Death Eaters. They turned around and saw Bellatrix with a large can labeled 'Vicodin' as well as a brown cane in her right hand.

"What in blazes happened here? You just ruined my House marathon!"


	3. Chapter 3: The HP Encyclopedia

**A/N: One Review!!!!!! Thank you so much mercurywrites! And now… the story continues with chapter 3!!! Oh and by the way, the planned HP Encyclopedia makes a… guest appearance in this chapter!**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter…_unfortunately!_

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

**Chapter 3: The HP Encyclopedia**

"Wormtail! Have you heard anything from Snape?" asked Voldemort, as he leered at Wormtail. Wormtail twitched as his name was called.

"N...n...no, master." stuttered Wormtail. Voldemort gave a loud sigh.

"Pity…pity. He was a loyal follower," muttered Voldemort. Rodolphus had stumbled through the double doors of the auditorium. He was holding a box full with books.

"My lord! We've got it before the Order!" cheered Rodolphus as we waved his wand at the books, making them zoom around the room to everyone. Voldemort gasped.

"Are you sure Rodolphus? It is really…true?" Rodolphus nodded enthusiastically.

"J.K Rowling's Harry Potter Encyclopedia is finally here!" screamed Rodolphus in delight. All of the Death Eaters gasped and immediately opened their encyclopedias at the contents page.

"Let's see… the first chapter is on characters…I'll look in there later…the second is on magical creatures…A DEFINITE YES!" screamed Macnair. Voldemort did not even bother to silence him the Cruciatus Curse, as he was so immersed in his own book.

"Rabastan! Come here! NOW!" ordered Voldemort. Rabastan Lestrange immediately closed his book and walked towards Voldemort. Voldemort looked down at him and beckoned him to look at a page in his book.

"How do you explain this?" demanded Voldemort. The page was filled with a still image of the two Lestrange brothers, and Bellatrix. Rodolphus read the passage:

* * *

_CHAPTER 1.7.5: THE LESTRANGES AND BELLATRIX BLACK_

_The Lestranges were an old Wizarding family that could trace its roots from medieval Times. In the current Wizarding war, the eldest of one of the brothers of Lestrange, Rodolphus, is the husband of Bellatrix Black, who is believed to be a mentally unstable woman, due to marriages of her ancestors' cousins. The other brother, Rabastan, had a much less active role, in Lord Voldemort's group, The Death Eaters. Rumor has it, that Rabastan Lestrange may have been a lead singer of the popular Wizarding group, The Weird Sisters, according to the quirky magazine, The Quibbler. There are also rumors that he has had a child with journalist, Rita Skeeter, and the child now resides in a Muggle Orphanage._

_

* * *

  
_

Rabastan had a look of shock on his face. "Well?" asked Voldemort. "Is this true?"

Rabastan looked rather anxious, but astonishingly, he nodded. A moment later, his brother Rodolphus laid a hand on his shoulder.

"That's quite alright brother! Besides, look at who _I _married!" laughed Rodolphus. Rabastan cracked a grin at him, and sat back down at his seat. Thankfully, Bellatrix had not yet returned from her House marathon.

Suddenly, a loud crack filled the room, and the entire room was filled with purple dust. Snape had come back. Voldemort let out a cry of joy as he ran towards him.

"Eww! Voldemort…don't hug me!" panted Snape. Voldemort ceased his hugging and sat back down again.

"What took you so long, Severus?" asked Voldemort.

"Dumbledore kept trying to keep me back into the Order, Harry Potter kept trying to jinx me, McGonagall tried to scratch me while she was a cat, Mad-Eye Moody tried to _lick _me, Draco Malfoy tried to…well, let's just say that he did something…colorful," rambled Snape. Voldemort didn't even bother to listen to him. Lucius on the other hand, jerked his head up when he heard his son's name.

"Draco you say? What's he done now? Did he paint the caretaker's cat green again? Or did he demand snake parts for dinner?" asked Lucius. Snape did not reply.

* * *

The double doors to the auditorium burst open, once again. This time, the entire Order marched in.

"Tom! What did you do!" yelled Dumbledore. The Death Eaters backed away from the Order, with their wands pointed at them. Voldemort laughed at Dumbledore.

"You want the truth?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes Tom! I want the truth on what you did to Harry!"

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" cackled Voldemort. The Order slowly backed away from He Who Has Way Too Many Weird Laughs.

"Albus! What do we do?" grumbled Mad-Eye.

"Let's just watch him, shall we?" suggested Tonks.

Voldemort kept on cackling like a madman.

"Muhahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!" laughed Voldemort. The Death Eaters decided to disapparate away before the Order attacked. Yaxley and Dolohov grabbed Voldemort's shoulders, before the rest of the Death Eaters disappeared. CRACK! Where the Death Eaters and Voldemort were standing before, now was a patch of burnt carpet.

* * *

"DAMN IT!" yelled Kingsley. The entire Order had crestfallen looks on their faces. They had clearly wanted to desperately catch them. The double doors opened _again_ and Bellatrix marched in with look of satisfaction on her face.

"The marathon's over guys! Really shocking ending but I really liked…" started Bellatrix. She noticed someone in the large group that brought anger.

"COUSIN?" screeched Bellatrix. A man witth long black hair turned to face her.

"BITCH?" gasped Sirius. A woman with bubblegum pink hair also turned to face Bellatrix.

"EMO AUNT?" screamed Tonks.


	4. Chapter 4: The Death Eaters' New Hideout

**A/N: Another chapter. There are some serious things near the end, so look out for that. Enjoy.**

Disclaimer: If I _did _own Harry Potter, I'd tell you, but I don't.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 4: The Death Eaters' New Hideout

The entire courtyard of Malfoy Manor was pitch black. A number of peacocks were bowing their heads up and down in order to peck at berries in the bushes. A loud crack erupted on top of a group of peacocks. SMASH! The Death Eaters and Voldemort had squashed dozens of peacocks.

"Oops! Sorry Lucius! You can buy more can't you?" apologized Yaxley. Lucius gnashed his teeth together in anger.

"They were magic peacocks you idiot!" snarled Lucius. Yaxley shrugged and walked through elaborate double doors (yes _more _double doors!) into a beautiful hallway.

"Lucius! Command your wife to cook dinner for us!" demanded Voldemort. Lucius obeyed and headed off up a staircase. The Death Eaters made themselves comfortable by sitting in the dining room. They heard loud voices somewhere above them.

"WHAT LUCIUS? COOK FOR THE ENTIRE GROUP OF DEATH EATERS?"

"Yes, and make it a banquet! The Dark Lord is with us!" The rest of the Death Eaters continued to listen intently at the loud argument.

"THE DARK LORD? YOU JUST APPARATE HERE WITHOUT NO NOTICE? AND YOU BRING THE DARK LORD HERE?" yelled Narcissa dangerously. A loud crack sounded from behind the Death Eaters. Bellatrix had just appeared.

"What in blazes is that noise?" grumbled Bellatrix.

"Your sister," replied Avery. She smirked and took a seat.

"NARCISSA! BE REASONABLE!" panted Lucius. SMACK! By the sounds of it, Narcissa had just slapped Lucius. They heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and Voldemort immediately began a loud conversation with the rest of the Death Eaters.

"Everyone! This year, I'll need your full cooperation to kill Harry Potter," said Voldemort. Narcissa had appeared in the doorway and coughed loudly.

"My lord, your dinner will be served momentarily," she said. Voldemort nodded and turned back at the Death Eaters.

* * *

"Now, I will stage the attack at around this time next year, where we will… Nott! What is that thing in your hands?" demanded Voldemort. Everyone turned to face Nott. He had a shiny rectangle like object in his hands.

"Umm…it's not what it seems my lord!" whimpered Nott. Snape decided to speak up at that moment.

"My Lord, it appears that Nott has a very sophisticated Muggle item used to contact others," spat Snape.

"Is it…an I-Phone?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes master," muttered Nott. There was a dangerous silence in the room.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE AN I-PHONE WHEN WE HAVE TWITTER ON OUR DARK MARKS?" shouted Voldemort. Nott cowered under the dining room table. He was acting suspiciously like Wormtail.

"You should know that all of the applications can be installed onto your dark mark!" said Voldemort. Nott had a look of surprise on his face.

"For your ignorance Nott…_Crucio_!" screamed Voldemort. Nott screamed in pain, until Voldemort called it off after 10 seconds.

* * *

"Now, in the Ministry, there is something I so desperately require. Snape, I believe you know what it is?" asked Voldemort. Everyone turned to him.

"I do indeed master. But how are you to overcome the obstacles in your way?" questioned Snape.

"Ah Severus! This is where you are mistaken. It is the obstacles in _our _way. You will attempt to fetch it for me," replied Voldemort. Snape had a puzzled look on his face.

"But sir, only you can…"

"I understand Severus. That is why I will explain the plan to those who will participate in the task," said Voldemort quietly. Snape nodded in understanding.

Lucius had just stumbled down the stairs with a black eye and a red mark on his cheek.

"Who just got owned by his wife?" laughed Snape. Lucius snarled at him and took a seat.

* * *

"Now those participating are Snape, Avery, Crabbe, Dolohov, Goyle, Jugson, Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Rabastan, Macnair, Lucius, Mulciber, Nott and Rookwood," announced Voldemort. There was some stir at this announcement.

"My lord, I wonder if I could accompany them on this mission?" asked Yaxley.

"Yaxley, I chose those that I have just mentioned, because I know they will succeed," said Voldemort coldly. Yaxley looked crestfallen.

"However, I need you to recruit more members to our group," considered Voldemort. Yaxley thanked him. The rest of the Death Eaters were rather annoyed that they had not been given a mission.

"I WANT A MISSION!" screamed Peter. The Death Eaters stopped muttering, then laughed at Peter.

"You can't be serious Wormtail!" laughed Snape, who was clutching his chest in laughter. Even Voldemort laughed at him.

"Sorry Wormtail. Your use has been used already," replied Voldemort. Wormtail started to cry, then ran out of the room.

* * *

"He'll be back soon. Now where's our dinner?" demanded Voldemort. Everyone shrugged and turned towards the kitchen.

"I'm coming my lord! Hold up!" yelled Narcissa. She walked into the room with her wand pointed at a trolley that floated beside her. "I'm afraid we've run out of the usual stuff Lucius, Draco and I eat, but you'll be pleased to know that I have prepared what our old house-elf used to eat!" smirked Narcissa. She lifted a table cloth and underneath was something so horrid that everyone clutched their noses and vomited onto the table.

"I hope you like Hippogriff urine soup and merpeople fillet with gurdyroot juice!"


	5. Chapter 5: The Mad Rebellion

**A/N: I'm being way too nice to Voldy and gang! Thanks for reviewing Chibi Kestral and HebHibHob! This will be a Snape centered chapter, where Dumbledore allows Snape to continue teaching at Hogwarts…but little does he know that Snape is in trouble!**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is completely owned by J.K. and _not _me!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 5- The Mad Rebellion

"Severus, if you are to join the Hogwarts staff again, you most swear an Unforgivable vow with me," Snape was sitting in a chair across from Dumbledore.

"Wait a second, didn't I already make a vow? I vowed that I would join the Order for you!" replied Snape. Dumbledore looked rather stressed when Snape said this.

"Yes, but…never mind Severus. I daresay you have lessons to plan for now," said Dumbledore hastily. Snape nodded and left his office in a hurry.

* * *

Later that day, Snape has the misfortune of having to teach 5th Year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"Today you will be concocting a Headache Potion, which will allow the drinker to remove any sort of headaches, such as migraines," said Snape. The entire class was silent except for…Hermione.

"Excuse me sir, but don't Muggle remedies have more effect than the Headache Potion? I've heard that this Muggle show has pills taken by a…" said Hermione quickly.

"Man with a pain in his leg. Yes Miss. Granger I know of this show from…old colleagues," finished Snape. Hermione was not finished yet.

"Yes and those pills…"

"Lessen the pain of the leg. Believe me Granger, I know this because my old colleague ranted about this show, 24/7!" snapped Snape. Hermione turned pink and became quiet. Harry and Ron had their mouths open so wide that they almost touched their desks. They wondered who the _old _colleague was. Snape drew out his wand and waved it over the blackboard. "Your instructions are on the board. You may begin," droned Snape.

* * *

The lesson was pretty much uneventful; unless you counted Neville burning the 857th cauldron he owned and Zabini randomly kissing Pansy Parkinson on the nose (Professor Snape suspected that it was the fumes from their incorrectly brewed potion). The bell rang and everyone packed their things up.

"Fill a sample of your potion in a vial and line up in front of my desk starting from the person with the first letter of their last name being the very first vowel and the last person with the first letter of their last name being a consonant! Now!" screamed Snape. The entire class merely scratched their heads and stared at Snape as though he was wearing a tutu and dancing with Professor McGonagall who was wearing a bikini (wait, AHHH! BAD MENTAL IMAGE!). Snape noticed everyone staring at him and he began to feel warm.

"Oh for goodness sakes! Line up alphabetically! Wait, Longbottom! I need to organize your detention!" commanded Snape. Neville whimpered and threw his entire potion set up into the air and ran out of the dungeon. 'He's like Wormtail' thought Snape.

* * *

After everyone had gone, Snape went up to the Great Hall for lunch. The entire hall became silent and very strangely, the theme from Star Wars when Darth Vader walks, began to play when Snape strode towards the high table. He took he seat and glared at everyone. Dumbledore stood up, and began to address everyone.

"I have some important news to inform you all. Our very own Potions teacher, Professor Snape, has agreed to teach for another year," announced Dumbledore. Somewhere from the Gryffindor table, two voices were heard.

"GO BACK TO VOLDY, GREASEBALL!"

Snape immediately stood up in anger.

"WHO DARES TO INSULT ME?" screamed Snape. Everyone fell silent and a loud cough was heard from behind Dumbledore. He turned around and saw a woman stand up.

"_Hem, hem_! The new educational degree, states that all teachers that the High Inquisitor deems…emo, will be given a…spanking!"

Everyone in the hall gasped, understanding that she was talking about Snape.

"WHO ARE YOU TO CALL ME EMO? MY OLD COLLEAGUE IS THE ONE WHO IS EMO!" screeched Snape. The woman strode up to Snape, though being incredibly shorter and uglier (is that possible?) than Snape, she was intimidating.

"My name is Dolores Jane Umbridge, and you are classified as part emo and part asshole, so therefore you come under the title, half-jackass," she said. Snape immediately clutched his hands into fists then astonishingly, he whammed his fist into Umbridge's jaw. She fell back by the force, and then fainted of shock. The entire hall gasped loudly at this event.

* * *

"SNAPE HIT UMBRIDGE! IS THE WORLD FALLING TO PIECES?" shouted Harry. The entire D.A. screamed in support.

"DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY RULES!" yelled Fred and George.

McGonagall merely fainted of shock, and she fell into the mashed potato she was eating. Professor Sprout looked appalled of her behavior.

"Really Minerva! Waste of a plant!" gasped Sprout. Susan Bones and Ernie Macmillan stood up onto the Hufflepuff table and cheered.

"GO TO HELL SPROUT!" they yelled. Sprout _also _fainted, into Professor Flitwick's goblet.

"Pomona! The state of your house disgraces the Hogwarts spirit!" exclaimed Flitwick. A giant ball of mashed potato hit him in the head, and he fell backwards on his chair.

"YOU'RE TOO SHORT FLITWICK!" screamed Cho Chang. The rest of the teachers were two scared to do anything. Professor Trelawny had taken refuge by barricading herself behind the Headmaster's chair which was very large. Professor Sinistra had been so scared that she amazingly disapparated out of Hogwarts Grounds when Hermione said it was impossible. Professor Vector had transformed herself into a plate, in hopes of camouflaging herself; unfortunately, Professor Grubbly-Plank threw the plate like a Frisbee which eventually hit her in the head, making her faint. Professor Binns did absolutely nothing at all, busy being dead apparently. Professor Dumbledore was almost tempted to kill everyone using the Killing Curse, but being a wise headmaster, he resisted the urge. Snape however had fled the grounds and disapparated to the Malfoy Manor.

* * *

Voldemort was sitting on an armchair, reading the Daily Prophet.

"How'd it go Severus?" asked Voldemort curiously. Snape had stormed up the staircase and into his bedroom, slamming the door in the process. "I swear that guy's emo," muttered Voldemort as he turned another page of the Prophet.


	6. Chapter 6: Draco Malfoy Is Going Insane

Disclaimer: I do not anything with the name Harry Potter

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 6: Draco Malfoy Is Going Insane

Malfoy Manor was quiet in the Christmas holidays. Draco had come home instead of staying at Hogwarts. Out of everyone who resided in the household, Draco was the sanest. He caught Wormtail trying to teach a bunch of rats to perform circus tricks which unfortunately failed, leaving the rats to repeatedly bite him. Snape was for some reason, reading a _fascinating_ magazine in the dead of the night, when Draco had gone to the kitchen for warm milk. Also, Aunt Bellatrix had tried to turn Draco's sleek blonde hair, black, like her own. Unlucky for her, Lucius had come to the rescue, jinxing her with a Bat-Bogey Hex. Last but not least, Voldemort kept trying to put his wand on Draco's arm, to create a Dark Mark. Draco understood that he had to tolerate their nonsense, but it was slowly driving him crazy.

* * *

"My lord, may I ask how much longer you plan on resting here?" asked an annoyed Draco. Voldemort stared at him with his cold red eyes.

"If my presence isn't comforting to you Draco, then I might have to curse you!" snapped Voldemort. Draco didn't flinch or recoil at this statement. In fact, he leered at Voldemort, and tried every single way he could smirk at him.

"Oh come on master! Do you know how many times you've threatened me in this house and you have not carried the deed out?"

Voldemort scratched is head to remember.

"Uhh…was it…6 times?" asked Voldemort. Draco groaned at Voldemort's stupidity.

"IT WAS ONE BILLION AND FIFTY-FIVE TIMES!" screamed Draco. Voldemort covered his ears as Draco screeched at him. The double doors of the courtyard burst open, and an agitated Snape and Lucius marched in.

"What in the blazes are you yelling for Draco?" demanded Lucius. Lucius looked furious with his wand pointed right at Draco.

"If you don't tell us, I'll be taking off house points!" added Snape. Draco stopped screaming and stared at them.

"Am I the only one who is sane in this house?" he asked himself. Snape, Lucius and Voldemort stared at each other, and finally, nodded.

"Yes Draco, you are the sanest of all of us! Snape is the dirty emo dude!"

Snape immediately objected, but Voldemort silenced him with _Silencio_.

"Lucius is the guy who can't hold a marriage together!"

Lucius also objected, and Voldemort immediately put him in a full body-bind curse.

"And I'm, THE MOST AWESOME BADDIE IN THE WORLD!!!" cackled Voldemort. Snape and Lucius grinned at each other, as Voldemort started rambling about other baddies. "YOU'RE SO LAME, SAURON, VADER, WHITE WITCH…AND FURBY!!!" screamed Voldemort. Draco slowly backed away from the crazy dark lord. The double doors were suddenly blasted off their hinges, and they nearly hit Lucius and Snape. This time, Bellatrix stormed through the hallway, with her eyes mad and crazy.

"WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY HOUSE DREAM?" she screeched. Lucius and Snape stopped grinning at each other. They both pointed their fingers at Draco.

"DRACO! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE MY NEPHEW! I HAVE NO PROBLEM KILLING YOU ON THE SPOT RIGHT NOW!" screamed Bellatrix. Loud footsteps were heard thundering down the staircase. Rodolphus and Avery were standing on the steps closest to the floor.

"Bellatrix! You've disturbed our beauty sleep!" said Rodolphus. Bellatrix glared at him.

"BEAUTY SLEEP? MORE LIKE…ADMIRING DANIEL RADCLIFFE!" accused Bellatrix. Rodolphus and Avery gasped at her accusation. They soon turned light blue at her words.

"How…d...did you know?" gasped Avery. Bellatrix smiled at him evilly.

"Please Avery! It's not that difficult to find your posters of him in Equus!" laughed Bellatrix. Avery began to walk towards her dangerously, as though threatening her, but he changed his mind, and went back upstairs with Rodolphus. Bellatrix turned back towards Draco, who was shaking like mad. "DO YOU REALISE WHAT THE CONSEQUENCE OF DISTURBIUNG MY BEAUTY SLEEP IS?" asked Bellatrix quietly. Draco shook his head. "THE ULTIMATE CONSEQUENCE, IS……………………..CLOTHES!" screamed Bellatrix. Everyone in the stared at each other, and then shrugged.

"Um…so?" said Draco. Bellatrix appeared to be thinking quickly.

"Wait…wrong threat! Let's see...AH! I KNOW! THE ULTIMATE CONSEQUENCE IS…LISTENING TO COUNTRY MUSIC!" laughed Bellatrix. Draco gasped in shock.

"No! Not country music! Anything but that!" sobbed Draco. Bellatrix cackled at his pleading. Lucius and Snape decided to take Bellatrix and Voldemort to the newly reinstated Anger Dome, on the top of the Malfoy Manor, in order to get their mood level back to neutral.

* * *

"Yahayyyy! Doodle-dayyyy!" screeched the old radio. Draco clapped his hands over his ears to block the noise.

"Arghhh! Make it stop Bellatrix!" screamed Draco. Bellatrix was wearing a pair of earmuffs while sitting in an armchair across from Draco.

"I'm afraid I can't hear you Draco!" laughed Bellatrix. Suddenly, the radio exploded with a small BOOM! The _front _doors opened wide, and in the doorway, stood a woman with pink hair. Bellatrix immediately stood up from the armchair with her wand raised.

"Ah! Nymphadora! What a pleasant surprise to see you here!" welcomed Bellatrix. Tonks strode in with her wand raised as well.

"I've come to take Draco back to Hogwarts," said Tonks coldly.

"I'm afraid I can't let you Nymphadora! You see, Draco has had the misfortune of incurring my wrath, and now he has to pay," sneered Bellatrix. Tonks glared at her.

"Do you really think that I'm not the only one taking Draco back? Padfoot! Come in!" yelled Tonks. A man had walked through the front doors to join Tonks as well. Bellatrix lowered her wand and welcomed the man.

"Hello cousin,"

"Hello bitch," smirked Sirius. Bellatrix laughed at his weak insult.

"You really want to take Draco back? You have to get through me and the rest of the Death Eaters," snapped Bellatrix. Oddly enough, Sirius grinned at her.

"Sorry bitch! You might want to minus _four _of your Death Eaters, including your master," said Sirius.

"I don't understand cousin,"

"Let me explain, Lucius wants Draco to continue his education, Snape wants someone to annoy Harry, Avery and Rodolphus want him to go because he was the reason why you discovered their dirty little secret and Voldemort wants him out of his sight," said Sirius.

Bellatrix continued to laugh at him.

"So? That's only four Death Eaters including my master! There's a lot more Death Eaters than that!"

This time, Tonks stepped forward and explained the situation even more.

"Your master _is _the leader of the Death Eaters, Aunt! He's not going to let them kill Draco!" smirked Tonks. Bellatrix gaped at her. Sirius and Tonks walked forward and placed their hands on Draco's shoulders. Draco remained silent throughout the disapparating process. Bellatrix didn't even try to stop them. Just as they were about to leave, Bellatrix raised her voice.

"Why aren't you trying to kill us?" asked Bellatrix. Sirius turned to face her.

"Because Snape told us not to," replied Sirius.

"And because you're too emo to kill!" laughed Tonks. Without another word, they were gone. Bellatrix fell back into her armchair with a sigh.

"How did she know?" she asked herself. Suddenly, Snape had jumped at her from behind a cupboard.

"HA! I KNEW IT!"


	7. Chapter 7: The Death Eaters' New Jobs

**A/N: This is the longest chapter yet! A number of special Death Eaters that appear in HBP appear in this chapter so keep a look out!**

Disclaimer: I _definitely _do not own Harry Potter

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 7: The Death Eaters' New Jobs

Voldemort had summoned his Death Eaters for a very important meeting that Sunday night in Malfoy Manor. The Death Eaters took their regular positions in the dining room and fell silent as Voldemort entered the room. "I have called you all for an important announcement," stated Voldemort. Everyone bowed down at him in understanding. "The Order has apparently been successful due to the recruiting of people in the work industry. It is now time for you, my friends, to take up jobs," said Voldemort. A number of whispers filled the room. Nott had stood up and begged Voldemort for his attention.

"My lord, why must we relinquish the jobs we now have?" asked Nott. Voldemort glared at him in annoyance.

"I HAVE NOT FINISHED SPEAKING NOTT! CRUCIO!" screamed Voldemort. Nott screamed with pain, until Voldemort lifted the curse.

"As I was saying, before Nott interrupted, we will need to take up jobs in order to recruit more members to the Death Eaters. Yaxley has already recruited a number of members have you not?" asked Voldemort. Everyone turned to Yaxley, who nodded and indicated the new members on the left of him.

"My lord, I have recruited Alecto Carrow, as well as her brother, Amycus," said Yaxley, indicating the squat and stocky people next to him.

"We are pleasured to be part of the Death Eaters my lord," they both mumbled. Voldemort nodded and let Yaxley continue.

"Next to them, are Thorfinn Rowle, and then Selwyn and finally next to him is none other, than the famous werewolf, Fenrir Greyback," said Yaxley. Rowle and Selwyn bowed to Voldemort when their names were called.

"We are proud to be inducted to the Death Eaters my lord," thanked Rowle. Greyback snorted at him.

"Jealous, Greyback, that you have not been branded with the Dark Mark yet?" sniggered Selwyn. Greyback snarled at him with his eyes glaring at him.

"No Selwyn, I laughed because Rowle was sucking up to the dark lord," growled Greyback. Suddenly, Rowle did the unthinkable. He leapt from his seat and grabbed Greyback to the floor. Rowle raised his hand in the air, and with tremendous force, he slapped Greyback. Everyone in the room had sat in their seats with shock.

"BITCH FIGHT!" yelled Lucius. Greyback attempted to retaliate by scratching Rowle's face with his claws.

"Argh!" screamed Rowle in pain. Greyback laughed at him. Rowle had just remembered he was a wizard, but as he whipped his wand out from his robes, Greyback had sunk his teeth in Rowle's wand hand. "Holy crap Greyback! Have you gone bonkers?" moaned Rowle, as blood flowed down from his hand and onto the Axminister carpet. None of the other Death Eaters had tried cease the fight, but Snape being the party-pooper he is, waved his wand to separate the two apart.

"Severus! Release me!" demanded Greyback as he bared his jaws at him.

"I'm very sorry Greyback, but I'm sorely mistaken if Lucius wants to remove the blood from his carpet later on," replied Snape. Greyback thought about it for a moment. He deeply respected Lucius, and he took his seat again after a minute. Snape had managed to heal Rowle's wounds in a second, and told him to take another seat, away from Greyback.

* * *

"As I was saying, you will all be assigned jobs that will suit your needs and you will work with Death Eater co-workers," said Voldemort. He waited to see if any Death Eaters dared to interrupt him.

"Only a number of you can work, seeing as most of us here are convicted criminals," continued Voldemort.

"Those who are eligible to work are: Avery, Alecto, Amycus, Crabbe, Goyle, Jugson, Nott, Rowle, Selwyn and Yaxley. You are those people don't have a job or aren't convicted," announced Voldemort.

"This should be interesting," smirked Snape.

* * *

"Welcome to Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop! How may I help you?" Avery, Alecto and Amycus were working in Scrivenshaft's in Diagon Alley. Avery was working as a shelf stacker, Alecto was the counter-woman and Amycus was a shop assistant. Amycus was greeting a Wizarding family that was surprised to see a short man in magenta robes.

"Yes, we need a new stock refill on ink bottles and several new quills. May I ask which ones are the best quality?" asked the father of the family. Amycus was perhaps _too _enthusiastic with her work. His sister, Alecto, smacked her forehead with palm of his hand. While Amycus lead the family to a shelf filled with quills and ink, Avery had stumbled into the room with an enormous box of parchment scrolls.

"For goodness sakes, Avery! Use _Wingardium Leviosa_!" muttered Alecto, as she swished his wand at the boxes. Avery turned red and went back behind to fetch more items.

"Now I would recommend these quills, as the ends don't wear after repeated use, and those inks appear clearer than traditional black ink…" exclaimed Amycus. Alecto muttered swears at her brother as she aimed her wand at the father.

"_Imperio_," whispered Alecto. The father's eyes appeared unfocused, then reverted back to normal state. He raised his hand to stop Amycus talking.

"Yes, I will join the dark lord," said the father in a monotone. Amycus looked surprised at his random statement.

"Umm…okay then!"

* * *

Miles away from Scrivenshaft's, Crabbe, Goyle and Yaxley were working in Gladrags Wizardwear in Hogsmeade.

"What does sisse mean?" asked Crabbe. Goyle frowned at him.

"Its sizzy, Crabbe," said Goyle.

"IT'S 'SIZE' YOU IMBECILES!" screamed Yaxley. Alarmed Hogwarts students stared at them briefly, before leaving the store in a hurry. Yaxley sighed. Out of all the Death Eaters, he had to work with the most dumbest of them all. He wondered what their sons would be like. To answer his question, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle had stumbled into the store half an hour later.

"OMG Dad! Like, what the heck are you doing here?" asked Crabbe. Yaxley stared at him. Crabbe Jnr. was wearing baggy jeans and a large black jumper with the words 'Hogwarts Roks Ur Wurld!". Goyle Jnr. was wearing exactly the same clothes and if he didn't know it, Yaxley could swear that they were twins.

"What are you doing here dad? Trying to get _shimmy _with the kids?" asked Goyle. Yaxley almost felt like vomiting. Shimmy? What kind of lingo do the kids use these days? If Yaxley had to suffer any more, he would have to kill himself.

* * *

Not too far way, Jugson and Nott were volunteering at Three Broomsticks. Nott was staring at the attractive barmaid, Madam Rosmerta.

"Do you think I should go over to her?" asked Nott.

"For Merlin's sake Nott! You have a wife and son!" exclaimed Jugson. Nott gasped at him.

"You speak!" stuttered Nott.

"Yeah! I've been quiet in the meetings because I know not to say anything to upset the dark lord," said Jugson, as he drank his butterbeer. Nott nodded in understanding, and looked out for any Hogwarts students who wished to order drinks. Shockingly, Harry Potter and his Weasley and ugly Mudblood friend, strode up to the counter. Harry did not recognize Nott from the graveyard, and guessed correctly that he was a volunteer.

"Three Butterbeers please," said Harry. Nott anxiously knocked over a cluster of Ogden's Old Firewhisky as he tried to grab the bottles of butterbeer.

"That'll be 12 sickles each," said Nott. Harry paid his money and left the counter with Ron and Hermione.

"Nice," said Jugson sarcastically. Nott blushed scarlet.

* * *

Back in Diagon Alley, Rowle and Selwyn were working with Goblins in Gringotts.

"No, no! Galleons are bigger than Knuts!" snapped Griphook. Rowle sheepishly took the Knuts off his scale and replaced them with Galleons. Selwyn was apparently pleased with himself that he could remember all of the values of the currency properly.

"Big no! Seventeen Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle!" shrieked Griphook. Rowle was tempted to punch Griphook in the face, but he knew better. His job at Gringotts was to place the imperious curse on those people withdrawing coins from their vaults. So far, he had managed to place the curse, on 2 people, not including the dozens of goblins he accidently aimed at.

* * *

At the end of the day, everyone apparated back at Malfoy Manor, where they discussed their progress with He Who Made the Death Eaters Take Jobs.

"Excellent, Death Eaters!" exclaimed Voldemort. "With the progress that we have achieved, we may finally bring the Order and Harry Potter down!"

Everyone cheered in applause for him. Those who couldn't take jobs were smirking at everyone, knowing that with the groups that they were in, would've worked terribly. Rowle, Yaxley, Avery and Alecto strode up to Voldemort and demanded his attention.

"Yes?" asked Voldemort.

"WE CAN'T STAND THE #$&%ING GROUPS WE'RE IN!" they all screamed.


	8. Chapter 8:Snape Goes to the HBP Premiere

**A/N: This chapter is over 2000 words! Please Review!**

Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own Harry Potter

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 8: Snape goes to the HBP premiere

The Death Eaters were positioned in Malfoy Manor's east wing courtyard. They were very confused on why they were summoned there. Normally, Voldemort would call them in the dining room hall, but today was a special meeting. The sky was filled with shining stars, and various dots with each Death Eaters' name was scattered throughout the courtyard. The man of the moment had suddenly burst through the double doors and waved his wand at every other door in the courtyard. They instantly locked themselves shut, and the man raised his wand high up into the air, conjuring a tent which covered the entire sky. "Death Eaters! It is about time we have learnt how to battle in combat!" yelled Voldemort. The Death Eaters gave a loud cheer and they nodded in agreement. "Today, I will instruct a number of veteran Death Eaters, to instruct the newcomers!" announced Voldemort. He paused to see if any Death Eater had the nerve to question him.

"Now those instructors will be…"

"STOP WASTING TIME! HURRY THE GODDAMN HIPPOGRIFF UP!" screamed Avery. Everyone gasped at Avery. He was very unlucky to obtain a mental instability syndrome from his father. Voldemort glared down at him.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU AVERY? DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SCREAM WHENEVER I SPEAK?" shouted Voldemort. Avery did not back down. He continued to shriek at Voldemort.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? HURRY UP WITH THE FRICKEN TALK!"

"THEN STOP YELLING AT ME, SO THAT I CAN CONTINUE!" bellowed Voldemort.

"WHAT THE F-ING HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!" shrieked Avery. Voldemort turned red, and then spoke dangerously at Avery.

"If you do not cease this nonsense at once, then I have no choice, but to kill you Avery," said Voldemort. Avery had immediately stopped yelling, and looked confused on why he was red all over. Voldemort was pleased that he was back to normal, and he continued on with the talk.

"The instructors today will be Snape, Bellatrix, Lucius and Dolohov. They will train and evaluate your progress for an hour. You will be divided into the groups named on your instructor's piece of parchment. You may begin,"

* * *

Snape was teaching Wormtail, Avery, Rodolphus, Rabastan and Jugson. So far, Wormtail had broken his wand, Avery had screamed at Snape about bunnies and Jugson had complained that his nose was too big.

"Okay, so we're Death Eaters yeah? We aim to kill! Not stun, disarm or blast…or actually…YOU CAN BLAST PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY!" laughed Snape maliciously. Rodolphus immediately got overexcited at the blasting part. He turned to face Avery, and aimed his wand at him.

"REDUCTO!" cackled Rodolphus. Lucky for Avery, he _had _inherited his mother's rare ability to block spells with a thought. The spell had rebounded off Avery's invisible shield, and it collided with a beautiful statue of Lucius.

"Rodolphus! That cost me 14 house-elves!" yelled Lucius.

* * *

Bellatrix had terrified her group of Death Eaters by showing her knickers at them.  
"Take it away!" shrieked Amycus. Bellatrix gave a high pitch squeal of laughter at him.

Alecto, Gibbon, Macnair and Rookwood had barricaded themselves inside a large fountain that was almost the size of an average swimming pool. Bellatrix had unfortunately spotted them making humorous imitations of her.

"You dare insult the great Bellatrix Lestrange?" said Bellatrix dangerously. Macnair had walked up towards her.

"I apologize Bellatrix! It's just that…" SMACK! Bellatrix had slapped Macnair.

* * *

"That's not the way to cast Expelliarmus, Selwyn!" chuckled Lucius. His group was perhaps the most successful out of all the other groups. Rowle had managed to blow off 3 of Selwyn's fingers, which were poorly attached back to his hand, Travers had incinerated Lucius's cane to ashes (much to Lucius's dismay) and Mulciber had killed one of the passing house-elves with a killing curse. "Fantastic job everyone! I'm sorry Selwyn, but I'm no genius at healing spells! Let's go see how Dolohov is going,"

"THAT'S NOT HOW TO HOLD YOUR WAND!" screamed Dolohov. Unfortunately for Dolohov, he was stuck with Yaxley, Crabbe, Goyle, Nott and Greyback. Crabbe was drooling on Goyle's shoulder with a puzzled look on his face. Nott and Yaxley were screaming on how they were stuck with two of the stupidest Death Eaters ever. Greyback was chewing on Crabbe's ear, without him noticing anything. "FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, GOYLE! YOU'LL KILL US ALL IF YOU KEEP WAVING YOUR WAND LIKE THAT!" bellowed Dolohov. Behind him, Lucius was strolling towards him with a smug look on his face.

"Well, well! What's happening here?" laughed Lucius. Yaxley and Nott glared at him evilly, while Greyback continued chewing body parts off Crabbe.

"WHY DO YOU GET TO WORK WITH COMPETENT DEATH EATERS, WHILE WE GET TWO BLOODY UGLY TROLLS AND A WEREWOLF!" screamed Yaxley. Lucius looked at him as though he had something foul.

"Manners, Yaxley! Or I may have to order you out of my manor!" snickered Lucius. Yaxley glared at him angrily, before continuing his duel with Nott.

* * *

After the hour was up, Voldemort had returned to the courtyard with a Daily Prophet tucked under his arm.

"I will now ask Snape to collect your record sheets, and I will reward those who please me," said Voldemort. After Snape had gathered all the sheets and Voldemort had moved his wand over them, He Who Had Forced the Death Eaters to Go through Hell, had turned his attention back to the Death Eaters. "The results are in! The most successful group was…LUCIUS'S GROUP!" announced Voldemort. Lucius had thrown his hands up in the air, cheering for his group. After the cheering had settled, Voldemort had continued to speak. "The most…_interesting _group was…BELLATRIX'S!"

Bellatrix's group was too frightened to cheer, while Bellatrix began cackling madly, before her distressed husband took her to the anger dome. "The most pathetic group was…DOLOHOV'S!" screamed Voldemort. Dolohov shook his head in disappointment, while Greyback had managed to bite off Crabbe's leg. Snape and his group looked furious.

"WHAT TITLE DO WE GET?" demanded Snape. Voldemort turned to him.

"Ah, yes. Your team's results are average…however you receive the title of…MOST GREASY HAIRED DEATH EATER OF THE MILLENNIUM!" yelled Voldemort. Snape suddenly turned red at his words. Steam was gushing out of his ears, and the grease on his hair had sizzled while a vein in his forehead throbbed. Lucius had come between him.

"Now Snape, remember what to do? Breathe in and out! In and Out! In and…" began Lucius. WHAM! Snape had thrust him aside and charged at Voldemort. With a flick of his wand, Voldemort had made Snape disappear. "Where did you send him?" asked Lucius.

"You'll see," smirked Voldemort.

* * *

Dozens of miles away, Snape had just appeared at a wildly crowded place with dozens of flashing lights. He noticed he was standing on a red carpet which was incredibly long. He turned around to get a closer look, but over the loud screaming, he saw someone rather familiar.

"Potter?" asked Snape as he tapped a teenager on the back.

"Alan! It's been so long since the shooting!" said the teenager. Snape looked confused, and he asked for the boy's name.

"You know my name! I'm Daniel Radcliffe!" laughed the boy.

"Wait, you're that guy that Rodolphus and Avery like!" gasped Snape.

"Rodolphus, Avery? They're like Death Eaters in the books, yeah?" asked a confused Dan Radcliffe.

"Books? Listen Potter look-a-like, I have just appeared at this strange place…wait, where _is _here?" asked Snape. Dan looked confused, and then answered him.

"We're at the Half-Blood Prince premiere! Come on in! Rupert and Emma are waiting!" exclaimed Dan. He pointed at a pair of double doors where a gingered-haired boy and a beautiful girl were standing.

"Weasley? Granger? What are _you _doing here?" demanded Snape. Rupert and Emma stared at him oddly.

"Um…it's us, Alan. You know that Gary's here for a guest appearance?" asked Rupert. Before Snape had a moment to ask who Gary was, behind him, strode a familiar man.

"Black!" screamed Snape.

"Alan! It's been a while, and why are you calling me Black?" asked a confused Gary Oldman.

"He thinks that we're still in character," explained Dan. Gary nodded, and entered the theatre. Snape was completely oblivious to what was happening.

"Radcliffe! I require your assistance to apparate back where I belong!" requested Snape.

"Dude, no special effects team here to help you with that!" laughed Dan. He told Snape to enter the theatre, and sit next to a man who strongly resembled…

"Dumbledore! I'm very confused on why I am here!" exclaimed Snape. The elderly man turned to him with a very strange expression on his face.

"Ah, Alan, you're still in character I see! I would've donned the beard and suit on, but my agent requested or _insisted _that I ignore them," said Michael Gambon.

"Beard…suit? Can you explain why everyone calls me Alan?" asked Snape. Michael Gambon smiled at him.

"Well, your name is Alan Rickman of course!" he laughed. Snape sat there, confused on why the Dumbledore look-a-like thought his name was Alan Rickman.

"Are you a Muggle?" asked Snape.

"Of course I am! And so are you Alan!" chuckled Michael Gambon.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A MUGGLE? I'M CLEARLY A PURE-BLOOD YOU IMBECILE!" screamed Snape. Instead of being angry, Michael Gambon gave Snape a smile.

"Ah Alan! Isn't your character, Snape, in the film a half-blood?" asked Gambon. Snape was shocked on how he found out.

"Did you read the Harry Potter encyclopedia?" demanded Snape.

"No, but I've read the books like you have Alan," replied Gambon.

* * *

Suddenly a loud crack had filled the theatre. No one, except for Snape, had noticed anything. Instead of the one Dumbledore next to him, another had taken the other unoccupied seat next to him.

"Why hello Severus. I'm rather surprised to see you here!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

"Are you the actual one?" asked Snape. The second Dumbledore nodded, and had taken out a large packet of Lemon drops from his robes.

"I am, but on the contrary, I think you are here on a mission from Voldemort?" asked Dumbledore.

"Uh…actually I'm here because I got angry at him," replied Snape. Dumbledore nodded, and began eating his lemon drops enthusiastically.

"Well, to explain where we are, this is a premiere of a Muggle film based on Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts," explained Dumbledore. Snape suddenly looked shocked.

"But sir! This year is still Potter's fifth year and how could these Muggles have any information on his yet unknown sixth year?" asked Snape. Dumbledore stared at him sternly.

"Severus isn't it obvious that the Wizarding world is approximately 13 years slower than the Muggle world?" asked Dumbledore.

"Not to be rude sir, but the author of these _Harry Potter books_, has clearly stated that the Wizarding world is in sync with the Muggle World?" snapped Snape. Dumbledore apparently did not listen to a word Snape had said, and was now twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling. Snape shook his head and turned his gaze at the screen which had bore the words 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'.

About half and hour later, Snape had stood up from his seat in anger. "MY HAIR IS NOT THAT LONG!" he screeched.


	9. Chapter 9:Burglaries,Drugs & Moviestars

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is entirely owned by J.K Rowling and not me

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 9: Burglaries, Drugs and Movie Stars 

"…and that's why we will attempt to steal it," said Voldemort. The Death Eaters were listening with awe at what their master was planning.

"Can it be done my lord?" asked Lucius. Voldemort smiled at him.

"I'm quite certain, that is, if Snape wishes to accompany us," said Voldemort. He stared at Snape, who was leaning in the corner of the room (presumably cutting himself with a knife).

"This author had _got _to stop with the emo jokes," muttered Snape. Somewhere high above them, a loud fit of cackling laughs erupted. The Death Eaters ignored this randomness, and continued to listen to He Who Had Come Up With A Decent Plan.

"This author has _got _to stop with the He Who Must Not Be Named jokes," snarled Voldemort. More fits of laughter occurred, until Avery, being the random screamer, screamed at the voices.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Avery. The voices instantly ceased.

"Now, Snape, Lucius and I will enter the building through _here_, and Avery and Dolohov will charge through _here _to stop anyone from escaping," muttered Voldemort as he tapped his wand on the blueprints of a building.

"My lord, you're forgetting that I enter up _there_," added Yaxley, pointing at the roof.

"Thank you Yaxley, and now we wait for that blasted clock to ring midnight…"

* * *

WHAM! The front doors of the building had burst open, and in strode Voldemort, Lucius and Snape, who were waving their wands at doors, sealing them, so that there was no escape. "CEASE MORTALS! FOR I AM THE ALL MIGHTY, SUPER POWERFUL, LORD VOLDEMORT!" cackled Voldemort. He suddenly stopped laughing as soon as he saw where he was. The room smelt of grease which was _almost_ as greasy as Snape's hair

"Hey!" protested Snape as he ran his hand through his hair, only to find that maple syrup had been dripped all over it. The random author, who sits on clouds all day long, had hidden a large bottle of maple syrup behind his back, without anyone noticing it. Voldemort continued to gape at the person standing behind the counter.

"Umm…welcome to McDonalds! What would you like today?" stuttered the incredibly pimple faced teenager.

* * *

Snape had gone to the bathroom to clean his hair; Voldemort had gaped at the teenager for 10 minutes straight, while Lucius remained calm, and had ordered a McFlurry just then. They were wondering where Avery, Yaxley and Dolohov went. They probably went to the right location, instead of McDonalds. Voldemort had suddenly found his voice, and coughed to make sure it was okay.

"Excuse me? WHERE ARE WE?" demanded Voldemort. The teenager had recoiled behind the cash register, whimpering with fright. Snape had opened the bathroom door, looking seriously depressed.

"This ain't the Department of Mysteries," muttered Snape. Voldemort had gone red, and took Lucius and Snape back to Malfoy Manor. The teenager had just picked up a cup with ice-cream in it.

"Sir! Here's your McFlurry!" yelled the teenager. He stared around at the empty space where Lucius was just before. 'I definitely need a psychiatrist,' he thought.

* * *

Voldemort apparated back at Malfoy Manor with Snape and Lucius. The rest of the Death Eaters were reading daily prophets, quibblers and witch weekly's. Snape strolled off to the kitchen to make some tea, while Lucius ran upstairs to fetch a pillow for the dark lord.

"How could I be so forgetful?" muttered Voldemort. The Death Eaters shrugged their shoulders and continued reading. "First, I forget that Potter's Muggle mother died to give him blood protection, next I forget that phoenix tears have healing powers _and _I still have no goddamn sodding clue what that connecting thing with Potter's and my wand was!" sighed Voldemort. He stood up and walked off to the kitchen to see how Snape was going with the tea.

"Blasted teapot! Why the hell did Narcissa make it bite anyone except her?" moaned Snape as he healed the bite wounds on his fingers. He noticed Voldemort walk through the doorway and examine the teabags that Snape had chosen.

"Severus…those aren't teabags!" gasped Voldemort. Snape looked confused.

"Why the hell aren't they?" demanded Snape.

"Because they're…DRUGS!" he screeched.

"Drugs? Those crazy Muggle remedies?" asked Snape.

"They're not always remedies, Snape! Sometimes, people take them for pleasure, and there are often psychotic side-effects," explained Voldemort. Snape had a strange look on his face.

"You said _psychotic_, didn't you?" asked Snape.

"Yes, but surely you don't think that…"

"Yes, I've been wondering if _they _were on _these_," stated Snape as he held up the strange packet.

"Should we tell _them_?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes, _they _deserve the truth,"

* * *

Snape and Voldemort returned to the living room, where the Death Eaters had finished reading their magazines, except for Crabbe and Goyle who were struggling with the first sentence. "Attention everyone!" proclaimed Snape. Everyone stopped chattering. "Our lord has something quite serious to announce. He let Voldemort continue.

"Thank you Severus. Snape and I have just discovered…an important revelation. We have found packets of Muggle substances called drugs. Now we believe the owner of these _drugs, _is _you_!" accused Voldemort as he pointed at someone in the room. That person stood up and sobbed.

"IT'S TRUE! I'M THE CULPRIT!" the person wept.

* * *

It was Bellatrix. She wept on the floor crying and muttering about various drugs.

"The Healers prescribed it to me a while back! They said it could help with the psychotic breaks! But it just made them worse!" screeched Bellatrix. It was an astonishing sight. Rodolphus ran in front of her, and took her to the Anger dome for relaxation. Voldemort had waited for Bellatrix to leave, and he then spoke again.

"I now would like to congratulate Snape, for recruiting four important people to our group! Where are they Snape?" asked Voldemort. Snape smiled at him, and revealed them.

"Welcome to our headquarters!" said Voldemort. The four new members were rather reluctant to be there.

"May I introduce, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint and Michael Gambon?"

* * *

The four Harry Potter actors nervously took a seat and thanked Voldemort for allowing them to join. "These Muggles portray Potter's best friends and himself, and Michael Gambon portrays Albus Dumbledore in the Muggle films based on Potter's seven years at Hogwarts," explained Snape. Everyone in the room was shocked to find out that they were Muggles. Snape noticed their reluctance to allow the movie stars in their group. "There is nothing to be afraid of! Because these Muggles have accurately portrayed the people we know, they have been given the status 'Half-Wizards' which means they _are _able to perform the same magic that their actual counterparts possess!" exclaimed Snape. Everyone cheered in celebration that their greatest enemies have become their allies. After the cheering had settled, Voldemort was holding a gorgeous box encrusted with jewels.

"The Handing of the Wands will now begin. Each of these wands is an exact duplicate of each star's real counterpart; therefore, if the real person should attempt to do battle with any of these fine recruits, the spell will be ineffective!" explained Voldemort. He gave a wand to each actor and actress and they were enthusiastic about them.

"I've been waiting for an actual wand for years!" exclaimed Emma. She practiced a simple Wingardium Leviosa, which was just as effective as Hermione's one. Rupert was exactly like the real Ron Weasley, not too good and not too bad. Daniel's spells were significantly superior to Rupert's and Emma's, but the most amazing spell work, was Michael Gambon's. He had managed to conjure up amazing fireworks which flew around the room loudly. Voldemort had grinned and laughed with joy. Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and the pimple-faced teenager from McDonalds had come in. Lucius strolled down the stairs, just as the boy collapsed on the carpet.

"I have your McFlurry sir!"


	10. Chapter 10: The Department of Idiocy

**A/N: Longest chapter yet! This will be part of a two or three part story arc. Enjoy.**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a multi billionaire corporation and is not in any way owned by me!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 10: The Department of Idiocy

The doors to the entrance hall had burst open, as Severus Snape marched in with an uncontrollable fury. "WEASLEYS!" he screamed. Everyone turned to face the Weasley twins, who were hastily stuffing a large box into their robes.

"What's up Snape?" asked Fred, grinning at the mad Snape. He marched straight over to them, aiming his wand at each of them.

"You dare write that… barbaric sentence on your essays?" whispered Snape dangerously. Fred and George grinned at each other euphorically.

"Well, let's just say that 'Use some goddamn shampoo, you greasy git', isn't our best insult, however…" started George.

"SHUT YOUR FRICKEN PIE-HOLE WEASLEY! NOW YOUR MOTHER MAY AND MOST LIKELY BE FURIOUS AT YOU WHEN I INFORM HER, BUT IN NO WAY DOES THAT LEVEL UP TO WHAT I'LL DO WITH YOU!" Snape bellowed. Everyone in the hall gasped with shock. Even Fred and George had stopped grinning.

"Really Sevvy? You're gonna tell our dear mum what we did?" asked Fred. Snape glared at him angrily.

"Oh, I plan to cause you more damage than you have ever caused this school!" snapped Snape. Fred and George started grinning at him again.

"_Accio brooms_!" they proclaimed. A sudden bang was heard somewhere beneath them. Their locked brooms had soared through the air to rejoin their masters. A loud cough was heard coming down from the Grand Staircase. Umbridge had strutted towards them furiously.

"Emo teacher! How dare you let these devils summon their brooms!" yelled Umbridge. Snape turned bright red when Umbridge had referred him as 'emo teacher'. Fred and George whipped out their hidden box and opened it. They set off loud fireworks that flew through the air in many colorful bursts. Passing students stopped in their tracks, watching the beautiful fireworks whizz through the air. Even Harry, Ron and Hermione had come down from their classes to watch the fireworks. Ron grinned at Fred and told him how he was impressed at their work.

"Nice, those are the Deflagration Deluxes aren't they?" asked Ron.

"Ah, some of those are never before seen young brother! But yes, some of them are Deflagration Deluxes and Wildfire Whizz-bangs," exclaimed Fred. Harry watched the fireworks fly through the air, but in a way they made him dizzy. Hermione stared at the twins disdainfully.

"I must admit that that's extraordinary magic, but did you _have _to release them during my studying?" complained Hermione. Fred and George ignored her. Umbridge and Snape approached the twins slowly.

"I think that emo teacher will agree with me, that this nonsense, calls for expulsion!" laughed Umbridge gleefully. Snape nodded and whipped his wand out of his pocket.

"I agree with Professor Umbridge on everything, except for me being an 'emo' teacher," agreed Snape, narrowing his eyes at Umbridge.

"I don't think that you'll be seeing many of us for much longer," chuckled George.

"Oh, I'm quite sure that when you two are expelled, things are going to get a lot quieter around here!" shrieked Umbridge. Fred and George mounted their brooms, and flew straight past Snape and Umbridge. The students cheered in support for the twins.

"You won't be seeing much of us anymore!" laughed Fred.

"I'll add that Snape is an ugly git who should wash his slimy hair, 24/7!" added George. Snape roared in anger as the twins raced outside onto the grounds.

"Give her hell from us Peeves!" requested George. The poltergeist lifted off his hat, and saluted the twins as they disappeared into the horizon.

* * *

Snape stormed into the dining room in Malfoy Manor later that day. Voldemort and some of the other Death Eaters were reading distasteful magazines of…women.

"Snape! Back so soon? I thought Dumbledore requested that you come at night!" exclaimed Voldemort. Snape muttered something that sounded like 'stupid eccentric old man' as he took a seat. Voldemort rose up and addressed everyone.

"The moment has come. I have made Potter believe that he had seen Black being tortured by me in the Department of Mysteries. Those who have been told to participate in the mission, follow me outside," ordered Voldemort. A number of Death Eaters rose up in their seats, including Snape, and followed their master outside into the blazing afternoon sun.

"You will wait behind a column of prophecies, and make sure you're disillusioned," advised Voldemort. Everyone nodded. "Snape, Avery, Crabbe, Dolohov, Goyle, Jugson, Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Rabastan, Macnair, Lucius, Mulciber, Nott and Rookwood; you'll all be possibly in the thick of the action. If the unthinkable happens, know that if you wait for me in Azkaban, I'll reward each of you beyond your dreams," said Voldemort. Everyone seemed to be rethinking if they did the right thing joining everyone in the mission. Voldemort apparently didn't notice anything. "If we succeed…FREE TEN-PIN BOWLING!" screamed Voldemort. Everyone cheered, before disappearing in jets of black smoke. Voldemort coughed as he tried to make the black smoke disappear. "That's the last time I try to imitate David Yates's Death Eaters," spluttered Voldemort as he walked back to the Manor.

* * *

Lucius and Snape apparated on the floor, of the Department of Mysteries. The rest of the Death Eaters arrived a few seconds later. Lucius and Snape took the lead.

"Follow us everyone. Make sure that as soon as we're in the Hall of Prophecies, you cast a disillusionment charm on yourselves," instructed Snape. The Death Eaters nodded, and followed the two into the strange room filled with orbs.

"Pretty aren't they?" said Macnair as he touched one of the orbs filled with smoke.

"Don't! If Potter sees a filthy fingerprint on it, he'll think something's up!" ordered Lucius. Macnair obeyed him, and stood hidden in the shadows with a disillusionment charm on him.

"We now wait for Potter to arrive,"

* * *

Harry walked slowly through the columns of prophecies with his wand lit. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna and Neville had also lit their wands, and were searching for Sirius. Harry quickened his pace faster when he saw row 90. Seeing row 97 ahead of him, he ran a sprint calling everyone to come over. Harry shook his lit wand everywhere. There was nothing on the hard floor.

"I don't think Sirius is here, Harry," said Hermione slowly. Harry felt embarrassed, as though he had led them there for nothing.

"This has your name on it Harry!" exclaimed Ron. Harry turned to face Ron, who was pointing at a prophecy.

"My name?" asked Harry. He strode over to Ron and examined the orb. It bore the words:

_S.P.T. to A.P.W.B.D._

_Dark Lord_

_and (?) Harry Potter_

Harry moved his hand towards it.

"Don't touch it Harry!" said Hermione sharply. Harry ignored her, and lifted the orb off its holder. Nothing happened. A voice from behind them had called out Harry's name.

"Very good, Potter. Now turn around, nice and slowly, and give that to me,"

* * *

Lucius was pointing his wand at Harry. "The prophecy please, Potter," said Lucius once more. The dark shapes of the other Death Eaters appeared from all around Harry and the gang. "To me, Potter. We don't have all day to banter with you!" snapped Lucius. Harry continued to point his wand at him.

"Where's Sirius?" demanded Harry. A loud cackle was heard from behind Lucius. A woman with messy black hair strode next to Lucius.

"Well, well. Potty wotty Potter! Your mummy and daddy did much more use when they died!" cackled Bellatrix. Neville had made a small movement, as though he wanted to bash Bellatrix on the spot.

"Is this Longbottom? Well your parents were a _pleasure _to torture!" laughed Bellatrix. Neville tried to run at her, with Ron and Ginny restraining him.

"Careful gingers! Don't want ickle Longbottom hurting anyone!" exclaimed Bellatrix. A Death Eater from behind them had made a loud complaint.

"For crying out loud! Just steal the prophecy off Potter now!" said a cold voice that Harry knew well.

"Who's that?" asked Harry, though he even knew the answer before the man revealed himself. Snape had walked right next to Bellatrix and began staring at Harry coldly.

"Potter, you'd best give us the prophecy in your hand right now, or else we'll attack," said Snape. Harry didn't lower his defense.

"Prophecy is it? What does Voldy want this for?" sniggered Harry. The Death Eaters made angry noises at him.  
"Voldy? YOU DARE INSULT THE GREAT LORD OF THE WIZARDING WORLD? WHERE HE THREATENS ALL HALF-BLOODS AND MUDBLOODS INTO HIDING?" demanded Bellatrix. Harry grinned at her.

"Did you know he's a half-blood? That's right. His mum was a witch and his dad was a Muggle. I bet he didn't tell you that," laughed Harry.

"You dare insult our lord? Potter, if there's one thing you should know now…you're outnumbered! Fourteen to six! I think it's best you give it to us," laughed Snape. Harry smiled at him.

"Professor Snape, I think you should know something too…NOW!" yelled Harry. Everyone around him yelled _STUPEFY_ at the Death Eaters. They disappeared in a jet of black smoke.

"RUN!" ordered Harry. Ginny and Luna ran through the door they had just come through. Ron, Hermione, Neville and he ran through a door from behind them.

"They're over here!" yelled Lucius. Harry heard Snape command the Death Eaters to split up.

"Jugson, Crabbe, Avery, Dolohov, Goyle and Bellatrix; you go through and get Potter! Rodolphus, Rabastan, Macnair and Lucius; go get those girls! Mulciber, Nott, Rookwood and I will double back to make sure they're not behind us!" shouted Snape. Harry kept running, making sure that Ron, Hermione and Neville were in sight. They ran through the solar system room and into the room where the brains were.

"Harry!" screamed Hermione as she pointed at a group of the Death Eaters that burst through a door in front of them. "_Expulso_!" she screamed, causing the door in which the Death Eaters had entered in to explode. The shockwave from the explosion caused most of the Death Eaters to trip over. Snape and Rookwood managed to keep standing.

"Bellatrix! Potter's in here!" called out Snape. Harry heard footsteps coming from behind them.

"_Colloportus_!" yelled Hermione. The door from behind then locked with a squishy sound, and a loud thud was heard colliding with it.

"_REDUCTO_!" bellowed Rookwood. Ron ran in front of Hermione to protect her.

"_PROTEGO_!" yelled Ron. The curse rebounded back towards Rookwood. He narrowly dodged it, instead causing a portion of his robes to be blasted away.

"_STUPEFY_!" screamed Hermione. Her red jet narrowly missed Snape, who absorbed the spell with a silent Protego.

"_CONFRINGO_!" shouted Harry. Snape kept blocking their spells as if they were nothing. Harry had no choice, but to escape.

"Fall back!" he ordered. Hermione had managed to place the fallen Death Eaters in a full body-bind, while Ron and Neville kept blocking Snape and Rookwood's curses. A door from the left of them had burst open, and Luna ran in with a knocked out Ginny on her back.

"The Death Eaters back there knocked her out!" yelled Luna. Harry sealed the door with _Colloportus._ Snape was closing in on the group.

"Luna! Go hold Snape off! I'll take care of Ginny!" yelled Harry. Luna obeyed, and started firing stunners at Snape.

"Give us the prophecy Potter!" bellowed Snape. The scarlet light from the stunners almost brightened the entire room from view. Harry kept clutching the misty orb so hard, that he felt as though his hands were going to bleed.

"GIVE US THE #$%ING PROPHECY!" screamed Snape. Rookwood punched him in the face.

"NO SWEARING! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT BLOODY SUMMONING CHARMS?" boomed Rookwood. Snape had a confused look on his bloody face.

"_ACCIO_ _PROPHECY_!" yelled Rookwood. Harry felt the prophecy slowly escaping his grip.

"_PROTEGO_!" shouted Harry. The force of Harry's shield caused Rookwood to stumble and fall flat on his face.

"Ow!" moaned Rookwood. Harry turned his gaze upon Snape, who was still blocking the others' spells.

"Miss. Lovegood, if I taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, I'd grade you at T," laughed Snape. Luna gave a shriek of fury, and fired a jelly-legs hex at Snape. Her multi-colored jet had collided with Hermione's Reducto curse, Ron's Stupefy and Neville's Expelliarmus. The new spell looked like a bright blue spiral which kept on spinning towards Snape. Snape raised his wand, but before he could block the ultimate spell, it hit him straight in the chest. A golden light erupted from the spell's impact, and obscured Snape and the entire room from view. Harry thought he was going blind but after a minute, the spell had seemingly evaporated, and where Snape was standing before; there was a blue scorch mark.

"Where'd he go?" gasped Hermione. Ron stared at her as though she went mad.

"Who cares?"

* * *

Snape found himself in a very strange world. The sky was filled with clouds that resembled Potter's Ugly Scar, the ocean was pink with shades of black underneath and the ground was filled with sentences such as 'have a great day!' and 'Go put a smile on your face!'. A hand tapped him from behind. He turned around, and saw a rather familiar woman.

"You!" gasped Snape. The blonde haired woman winked at him.

"Hello Sevvy. Liked the ending of the 7th book?" asked J.K Rowling.


	11. Chapter 11:The Death Eaters' are Sissies

Disclaimer: There's no connection between me and Harry Potter, except that he's awesome!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 11: The Death Eaters' are sissies 

Voldemort was sitting in an old fashioned armchair in Malfoy Manor. As usual, he was reading through a copy of the Daily Prophet, and the entire house was quiet, except for the Potter actors sitting in the dining room. "Dan! Stop poking me!" snapped Emma. Dan laughed at her, and proceeded on to poke Rupert.

"Dan, stop poking _me_!" mumbled Rupert. Dan ceased his poking…for now. He turned towards Michael Gambon, who raised his wand at him.

"Daniel, violence is usually not the answer; however, in some cases…it is," chuckled Michael, as he flicked his wand. Sparks flew out from the end, and hit Dan sharply on the nose. Dan shrieked in pain, and then felt his nose. Something was on it. A rather hideous and disgusting thing that could not possibly be uttered in the fic, but I will ignore what I just wrote then, and state that the thing on Dan's nose was a…

"PIMPLE! MY FACE IS NOT MATERIAL FOR PIMPLES!" screamed Dan. He jumped out of his chair, and ran upstairs to the bathroom. Emma and Rupert edged away from Michael, as though they thought he would hex them next and ruin their trademark faces. Alas, this did not happen. Voldemort sat in his armchair, highly amused at what he saw. His mind was focused upon his Death Eaters at the Department of Mysteries. A sudden prick on his Dark Mark alerted him to immediately stand up.

"I sense a disturbance in the force!" exclaimed Voldemort. Rupert and Emma turned to face Voldemort, with looks of confusion on their faces.

"Umm…come again?"

* * *

"BELLATRIX, BLAST THE BLOODY DOOR DOWN!" screamed Dolohov. The Death Eaters were split up in three groups to catch Harry. Bellatrix stared at Dolohov curiously.

"Dolohov, you know that it is proper manners to ring the doorbell or knock on the door politely!" said Bellatrix pompously. Dolohov looked at her as though she had gone mad…in which she had already was. He brushed her aside and aimed his wand at the door.

"_BOMBARDA_!" screamed Dolohov. The door was immediately blasted to pieces. Bellatrix gasped at Dolohov.

"Using made-up spells from the movies? I thought you would know better, Dolohov!" shrieked Bellatrix. Dolohov snarled at her furiously, before grabbing her shoulder and pulling her into the Brain Room. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Luna were still trying to overcome Rookwood who was putting up a good fight. A number of Death Eaters lay on the floor immobilized.

"THERE'S POTTER! SEIZE HIM!" screamed Bellatrix, as she pointed at Harry. The rest of the Death Eaters of her group marched straight into the room with their wands out. Harry turned to face Bellatrix with a shocked look on his face.

"IT'S THE EMO DEATH EATER! GET HER HERMIONE!" demanded Harry. Hermione turned to face Bellatrix as well.

"AH! IF IT ISN'T BUSHY HAIR GIRL!" cackled Bellatrix. Suddenly, the doors behind Luna burst open, and the entire Order strode in, looking furious.

"GET THE BITCHES!" bellowed Mad-Eye. Tonks and Remus disappeared in white jets of light, and zoomed through a group of Death Eaters to separate them.

"OY! THAT'S OUR TRADEMARK WAY OF TRANSPORTATION!" shouted Rookwood. Kingsley smiled at him.

"Dumbledore put us on it. It took us a month to perfect the scene from the movie," boasted Kingsley. The Death Eaters gave a roar of anger. Kingsley and Mad-Eye sniggered at them. They were taken aback when Bellatrix had turned into a black jet and flew straight at them.

"BLASTED WITCH!" boomed Mad-Eye. Bellatrix had landed back with the Death Eaters looking smug.

"This is no way to settle it," muttered Lupin.

"I agree," said a voice. The door opened once more, and Sirius strode in with his wand aimed at Bellatrix.

"Cousin!" said Bellatrix.

"Bitch, I'm not getting into another name-calling session with you," snarled Sirius. Tonks raised her wand at Bellatrix as well.

"Neither am I, Emo Aunt," snapped Tonks. Bellatrix sneered at them with all the _sneeriness _she could muster.

"Let's settle this with wands shall we? GET THE ORDER SCUM EVERYONE!" yelled Bellatrix. The Death Eaters shot countless number of spells at the Order, who managed to dodge them by shooting around the room in white jets of light.

"STOP USING OUR MOVES! AVADA KEDAVRA!" cried Nott. His spell missed the Order, and blasted a hole in the wall. The Order laughed at their poor wand work.

"STUPEFY!" yelled Rookwood. The spell hit Lupin, who toppled out of the air and landed on Harry.  
'OWW! GET #$! OFF ME LUPIN!" cried Harry. Lupin apologized, but as soon as he got ready to go back into a jet, Rodolphus had put him in a full body-bind. The Death Eaters who where frozen, started stirring.

"STUN THEM YOU MORONS!" screamed Mad-Eye. Kingsley started a loud argument with him.

"DON'T YELL AT US AS THOUGH YOU CONTROL US!" boomed Kingsley.

"I DO! NOW GO AND STUN THEM YOU STALKER!" accused Mad-Eye, Everyone in the room stopped dueling and gasped at Mad-Eye's accusation.

"What did you say?" asked Kingsley dangerously. Mad-Eye had gone mad.

"I TOLD YOU, TO GO AND STUN THOSE BLOODY F-ING DEATH EATERS, YOU STUPID PYROMANIAC STALKER!" cackled Mad-Eye. He suddenly lost control of his mental state. "BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Mad-Eye. The Death Eaters stared at each other.

"Umm…we'll continue this another time, shall we?" said Lucius weakly, as he placed his hand on the stirring Death Eaters.  
"OH I DON'T THINK SO LUCIUS!" yelled a voice.

* * *

They turned around and saw…Dumbledore. His eyes were blazing with anger.

"LUCIUS! YOU STOLE MY FAVOURITE PAIR OF SOCKS WHEN YOU CAME INTO MY OFFICE 3 YEARS AGO!" bellowed Dumbledore. The Death Eaters turned to face Lucius curiously. He blushed furiously.

"Well, I did have a low stock, so I took the liberty of…" began Lucius. Dumbledore cut across him.

"LOW STOCK! YOU TOOK THOSE SOCKS BECAUSE ROBERT PATTINSON SIGNED THEM!" screamed Dumbledore. The entire room fell silent. Lucius looked embarrassed.

"You…er…found the DVD in my manor…did you?" muttered Lucius.

"_AND _THE TWILIGHT BOOKS!" yelled Dumbledore. Lucius looked alert and furious.

"YOU FOUND THE BOOKS? DEATH EATERS, ATTACK THE SENILE OLD MAN!" commanded Lucius. The Death Eaters continued to fire spells at the Order. Dumbledore kept blocking each of their spells as though they meant nothing.

"THERE'S NO ESCAPE NOW LUCIUS!" laughed Dumbledore. His wand moved in exotic ways, and the Death Eaters were apparently contained in an invisible box. Bellatrix had managed to protect herself from the spell, and was slowly advancing on the other members of the Order. Tonks backed into a corner nervously, as Bellatrix raised her wand.  
"Goodbye, niece!" cackled Bellatrix.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	12. Chapter 12: Unexpected and Bizarre

**A/N: Missing Snape? He'll be back…as well as a special guest appearance!**

Disclaimer: The rights of Harry Potter belong to J.K Rowling and Warner Bros.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 12: Unexpected and Bizarre 

**PREVIOUSLY, ON H.W.M.N.B.P.A.T.D.E**

His wand moved in exotic ways, and the Death Eaters were apparently contained in an invisible box. Bellatrix had managed to protect herself from the spell, and was now slowly advancing on the other members of the Order. Tonks backed into a corner nervously, as Bellatrix raised her wand.

"Goodbye, niece!" cackled Bellatrix…

* * *

**AND NOW, THE SEASON PREMIE…UH…I MEAN, CHAPTER CONTINUATION, OF H.W.M.N.B.P.A.T.D.E!**

Bellatrix's wand was raised high up in the air. Tonks screamed as the pointed wand swished in an arc towards her. A sudden BANG signaled the cast curse. Tonks shut her eyes in shock and fright…but nothing happened. No green flash of light. She opened her eyes to find something blocking Bellatrix. Bellatrix screamed in horror at what she saw. It was power beyond comprehension that not even Dumbledore could stop. Dumbledore also turned to face the sudden appearance of the _thing _that appeared. The _thing _spoke in an agitated voice.

"This is **not, **what I planned!" muttered the _thing_. Bellatrix gasped at _its _voice.

"You…you're…_her_!" stuttered Bellatrix. The _thing _raised _its _eyebrows.

"Her? I prefer to be called Joanne," snarled the recently revealed _thing_. Dumbledore gasped at her.  
"You can't be! She's in the Muggle world!" protested Dumbledore. Jo turned to face him.  
"Dumbledore, I expected you to know that I must intervene with events that are not appropriate for my books," stated Jo. Dumbledore nodded, and remained silent. "Now, Bellatrix. You were meant to kill Sirius, not Tonks," said Jo. Bellatrix looked crestfallen, but suddenly gave a small snigger at Sirius's name. She looked pleased, but someone suddenly appeared at Jo's side. Even she looked shocked at the sudden appearance of the person. "BLOODY HELL! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE HOUSE!" snapped Jo. The man looked smug and walked towards Bellatrix with a wand in his hand.

"Sorry Joanne, but the _author _has instructed me to continue on with the plot," snapped Snape. Jo's jaw fell at these words. Snape waved his wand, and Jo immediately disappeared in a wisp of white smoke.

* * *

Everyone in the room sighed in relief that Jo was gone. Snape walked over to Dumbledore and whispered something in his ear. Everyone could tell by the expression on Dumbledore's face, that it was something important. Snape had taken his hand away from Dumbledore's ear, and walked back towards Bellatrix. Dumbledore gave Snape a small wink, before snapping his fingers. The entire Order disappeared in the copyrighted and trademark jet of light. Only Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna, Ginny and the Death Eaters remained standing in the room. Dumbledore requested the Death Eaters' attention.

"Snape had informed me, that you have organized a Harry Potter movie marathon, or have I been misinformed?" asked Dumbledore. The Death Eaters gave each other confused looks, only to nod when Snape glared at them. Dumbledore smiled cheerfully, before snapping his fingers once more. The Death Eaters' disappeared as well, except for Bellatrix and Snape remaining. Dumbledore walked over to Harry, but an enormous explosion erupted from behind him. Dumbledore fell over, but managed to place his hand on Harry's shoulder in time. In a pop, they disappeared.

* * *

Harry landed in the Atrium with Dumbledore. The explosion had apparently not hurt them, but the fate of the others was unknown. They limped towards one of the fireplaces, until another explosion erupted in front of them. Voldemort was standing in front of them with his wand raised at them, with a powerful fury in his eyes.

"DUMBLEDORE! YOU HAVE SENT MY DEATH EATERS BACK TO HEADQUARTERS HAVE YOU?" roared Voldemort. Dumbledore looked shocked and slightly frightened at the mad lord in front of him.  
"Tom, I merely exchanged a deal with them! Now if you can let me…" began Dumbledore. Voldemort gave a scream of fury. He threw his wand high up into the air, before catching it and whamming it into the ground. The impact of the wand caused shockwaves of earthquake magnitude to vibrate throughout the Atrium. Harry could see black ripples come out from the impact, and figures started appearing as each ripple flowed out. The people appearing started coming into view, and Harry gave a scream of shock. In front of him, was his exact double.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, TOM!" demanded Dumbledore. Voldemort leered at him, before hitting his wand into the ground even harder. More figures appeared into view, and Harry watched in horror, as he saw Ron and Hermione come into view. The final man made Dumbledore gasp in shock, as he saw an exact double of himself. Voldemort laughed, as the new Death Eaters whipped out their wands and pointed them at Harry and Dumbledore.

"Your end is here!" cackled Voldemort. But before the Death Eaters could cast their spells, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna and Ginny appeared between them. They all had the wands aimed at the doubles. Voldemort lowered his wand in disbelief at what he saw. "Ah, these must be the real ones – aren't they?" whispered Voldemort. Dumbledore stood confused at Voldemort.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Tom – however, I must insist that you send your Death Eaters back to your headquarters," said Dumbledore. Voldemort glared at Dumbledore, before snapping his fingers thrice. The copy-cats disappeared in a puff of black smoke. Voldemort continued to glare at Dumbledore menacingly, before snapping his fingers once more, making him vanish. Dumbledore sighed in relief. "Time to go back to school," said Dumbledore.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY, WHERE IT'S NOT THE DEATHLY HALLOWS SET AT LEAVESDEN STUDIOS…**

"BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS AND MORE BOLLOCKS!" screamed Voldemort. He was pacing in the dining room of Malfoy Manor, irritated that his plan had failed… once again. Snape narrowed his eyes at Voldemort, as he sat in an antique armchair with an evening edition of the Prophet in his arms.

"Since when do you say _bollocks_?" asked Snape. Voldemort ceased his pacing at once.

"Ever since I saw that film 'Love Actually'" replied Voldemort. Snape raised his eyebrows, and then continued reading the newspaper. Voldemort grabbed a chair and sat down, sighing in disappointment. Rodolphus came into the room, with two strips of paper that looked remarkably like tickets to 'EQUUS'.

"Say, Voldy… I've been thinking about a way to find out what that prophecy is," said Rodolphus. Voldemort jumped up so quickly, that he sent a bowl of hot pea soup flying at Bellatrix's face.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Bellatrix, as she ran upstairs to the bathroom. Voldemort eagerly asked Rodolphus what he had in mind.

"Well, I've been reading about those _pensieves_, and I'll bet you my hippogriff, that Dumbledore owns one of them," said Rodolphus.

"And? Unless you're expecting me to steal it, and put my dirty thoughts into it, then you're expecting a Cruciatus curse in approximately ten seconds.

"No! I'm betting –,"

"Ten!"

"That in the –,"

"Nine!"

"In the pensieve –,"

"EIGHT!"

"There's a –,"

"SEVEN!"

"What I'm saying –,"

"SIX!"

"Is that –,"

"FIVE!"

"DANIEL RADCLIFFE!"

"A Daniel Radcliffe?" asked a confused Avery.

"FOUR!"

"I'm off track –,"

"THREE!"

"There's most likely –,"

"TWO!"

"A memory of the –,"

"ONE!"

"THAT THERE'S A MEMORY OF THE PROPHECY!" screamed Rodolphus. He stared at Voldemort who kept on counting.

"ZERO! NEGATIVE ONE! NEGATIVE TWO! NEGATIVE THREE!" boomed Voldemort. Rodolphus gawped at the slightly mad dark lord. He was beginning on the negative hundreds; by the time Mulciber had the nerve to place an Imperius curse on him. Voldemort's eyes became unfocused, before he strode upstairs to the Anger dome. The Death Eaters turned to face Rodolphus, eager for more information.

"When shall we proceed with the operation?" asked Rabastan. Rodolphus smiled at him.

"In approximately 86400 seconds!" said Rodolphus. Nott sneered at him.  
"Uh, can't you like convert that to 'tomorrow'?" said Nott coldly. Rodolphus glared at him.

"If I did, then I would be in Ravenclaw – wouldn't I?" replied Rodolphus.

"But you'd still be in Ravenclaw, because you'd be able to times the amount of seconds in a minute by the number of minutes in an hour, and you'd times that by the number of hours in a day!" said Nott quickly.

"But why could you figure out how I worked out my figure?" said Rodolphus. Nott tried to struggle with words. "I thought so," laughed Rodolphus.

* * *

**DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE, THAT VERY NEXT MORNING…**

"I thought you couldn't apparate or disapparate on Hogwarts grounds?" asked Travers.

"Nobody told Miss. Granger that her copy of Hogwarts: A History was made by evil Nazi worshippers located in the Mississippi River, who are currently being attacked by a zombie version of George W. Bush," replied Snape. The Death Eaters were making their way over to Dumbledore's office. For some unknown reason, or perhaps that this author forgot to mention, that the students of Hogwarts were celebrating the birthday of Prince Harry in the Room of Requirement…or perhaps I should clarify that, by saying that the _girls _were celebrating his birthday, and the boys were attempting, and failing to draw their attention away from the still Muggle posters of Harry. Harry Potter was most displeased at this act of infatuation, and proceeded to rip down the posters along with the help of Dobby the house-elf. Unfortunately, the posters were stuck up with a sticking charm, and Harry decided to get Ron to send them back to the dormitory. Getting back on the main subject of this paragraph, the Death Eaters approached the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office.

"_Dragon's Piss_," said Snape. The gargoyle glared (is that possible?) at the Death Eaters, before allowing them entrance to the office.

"This is it everyone," said Rodolphus.

**OOH! BIG CLIFFHANGER! WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT CONTINUE TO READ! AND REMEMBER, NITWITT! BLUBBER! ODDMENT! TWEAK!**


	13. Chapter 13: THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

**A/N: This chapter contains a certain sexual reference. Proceed, or leave your computer to purchase a nice cup of coffee at your local café. If you're particularly daring, ask the shop owner for pumpkin juice!**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is only owned by the maker, J.K Rowling; and Monty Python is owned by…I don't know! John Cleese, perhaps?

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 13: THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

**PREVIOUSLY, ON THE STORY WHICH WILL LIKELY HAVE NO ENDING UNTIL I DIE…**

The Death Eaters were making their way over to Dumbledore's office. For some unknown reason, or perhaps that this author forgot to mention, that the students of Hogwarts were celebrating the birthday of Prince Harry in the Room of Requirement…or perhaps I should clarify that, by saying that the _girls _were celebrating his birthday, and the boys were attempting, and failing to draw their attention away from the still Muggle posters of Harry. Harry Potter was most displeased at this act of infatuation, and proceeded to rip down the posters along with the help of Dobby the house-elf. Unfortunately, the posters were stuck up with a sticking charm, and Harry decided to get Ron to send them back to the dormitory. Getting back on the main subject of this paragraph, the Death Eaters approached the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office.

"_Dragon's Piss_," said Snape. The gargoyle glared (is that possible?) at the Death Eaters, before allowing them entrance to the office.

"This is it everyone," said Rodolphus.

* * *

**AND NOW, CHAPTER 13…BEGINS!**

Snape opened the door quietly, making sure that the senile old wizard wasn't there. He peeked his immensely greasy hair past the door, only to see a scattered bit of rubble on the floor, which consisted of broken objects. Snape signaled to the other Death Eaters, that it was safe to enter. The burst through the door and glanced around the office. The portraits on the walls remained silent, and every single witch or wizard in the portraits, were sleeping. "According to '_Goblet of Fire_', the pensieve is in a cupboard," said Rodolphus. Everyone nodded, and began opening all the cupboards in the office. Nott found a pair of frozen Basilisk eggs in a large green cabinet, Avery found Fawkes flying at him as soon as he opened the cage, Snape located an anorexic house-elf in a suitcase, which he sent immediately back to the kitchens; and Rodolphus found something bizarre and distasteful. It was a shrine of some sort. The double mirrors in the cabinet were littered with pasted pictures of Gellert Grindelward. The most awkward and despicable part of the shrine, was the words written on a piece of parchment, pinned to the back of the cabinet. It bore the slanted words:

_**Although you are far away,**_

_**Locked in a tower, night and day.**_

_**My heart is still yours,**_

_**Yet on the bed, you're on all fours.**_

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" gasped Avery. Everyone agreed.

"The poem doesn't even make sense!" muttered Selwyn. Everyone stared at him, as though he was incredibly stupid (which he was!).

"You're an imbecile, Selwyn," snapped Travers.

"Come on! We're still looking for the pensieve!" exclaimed Rodolphus. The continued searching the office, but not until Goyle tripped on his on shoe laces, slipped, and pulled open the cabinet which contained the pensieve. He apparently was unaffected by the impact of his fall.

"Superb job Goyle!" said Avery, clapping him on the back. The Death Eaters approached the basin, but the door handle on the entrance began turning.

"Uh, oh," whispered Snape.

* * *

The door swung open, and Harry and Ron strode in with an incredibly love-struck Hermione. They stopped in their steps when they saw the cloaked Death Eaters frozen on the spot, just a few feet away from the pensieve.

"WHERE'S PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!" demanded Harry, as he grabbed his wand from his pocket. Snape leered at him.

"Currently, he's not here. Why on earth is Miss. Granger in this state?" asked Snape. Harry felt reluctant to answer, but seeing that it was three against I-don't-know-how-many-death-eaters-and-I'm-not-going-to-bother-looking-it-up, Harry had no choice, but to truthfully reply.

"She swallowed a Love Potion…I think," muttered Harry, as he restrained Hermione from escaping the office.

"Ah, what if I told you, that I could cure her in a blink of an eye," said Snape, sneering at Harry. Harry thought this decision over in his mind. He finally came to a conclusion after a few minutes.

"Fine! Cure her, **but**, what's the catch?" demanded Harry. Snape looked insulted.

"CATCH? WE MAY BE DEATH EATERS, BUT WE'RE HONOR DEALS! WHAT'D YOU EXPECT? THE SPANISH INQUISITION?" screamed Snape. Everyone eyed the entrance door eagerly, hoping to expect the Spanish Inquisition bursting through the door.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE, IN THE MONTY PYTHON CONVENTION AT DEADPARROTUS ROAD…**

Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones and Michael Palin were signing autographs inside a large tent, when some words reached their incredibly sensitive ears. They immediately dropped their pens and stood up rather alarmingly.

"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR –," began Michael Palin. They disappeared under a table, and then reappeared with red cardinal robes.

"THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" screamed Terry Jones. They swept out of the tent with their robes billowing behind them. The hundreds of numerous fans looked confused and astonished that the aging actors still had it in them.

* * *

**A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT THE ENTRANCE OF DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE…**

"OPEN UP, YOU BLOODY STATUE!" screamed Cardinal Ximinez, as he kicked the stone gargoyle in his foot. The impact caused him to trip over and bang his head on the hard floor. Cardinal Fang carefully examined the gargoyle with a magnifying glass. He placed his magnifying glass back into his robes, and stood, smiling at the others.

"_Dragon's Piss_!" proclaimed Fang. The Gargoyle moved, to allow them entrance to the office.

The door to Dumbledore's office, burst open, as the red robed cardinals stormed in.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" screamed Cardinal Ximinez. Everyone in the room looked shocked at their sudden appearance. "Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear… Our _two _weapons are fear and surprise; and ruthless efficiency… Our _three _weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope… ah, four! Amongst, our weapons… amongst, our weaponry are such elements as fear and – look, I'll stop all this talk and continue with the charges, okay?" recited Cardinal Ximinez, who looked rather anxious. The Death Eaters nodded, and Cardinal Ximinez gave a sigh of relief. "CARDINAL! READ THE CHARGES!" commanded Cardinal Ximinez. Cardinal Fang strode to the front, and unscrolled a long piece of parchment.

"You are hereby charged that you did, on diverse dates, commit heresy against the Holy Headmaster," proclaimed Cardinal Fang.

"How do you plead?" demanded Cardinal Ximinez.

"WE'RE INNOCENT!" cried the Death Eaters. The cardinals laughed at their attempts of resistance.

"Ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, HA! We'll soon change your mind about that! Cardinal Biggles! FETCH… THE SEXY MODEL!" cackled Cardinal Ximinez. The cardinals laughed as Biggles went outside. He came back, with an extremely attractive blonde girl. "NOW! WE SHALL LEAVE THIS MODEL IN THE ROOM FOR AN HOUR, AND YOU WILL ONLY BE GIVEN TEA AT EXACTLY 11 O'CLOCK!" yelled Cardinal Ximinez. The Death Eaters refused to take any more of this nonsense.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! TAKE THE PENSIEVE AND MOVE IT!" ordered Bellatrix. Snape placed his hand on the pensieve, and disappeared in a jet of black smoke along with the other Death Eaters. Only the cardinals, Harry, Ron and Hermione remained in the office. Cardinal Ximinez looked surprised at the sudden disappearance.

"Well now…CARDINAL FANG, LOCK THE TEENAGERS IN THE ROOM!"

* * *

Malfoy Manor was completely empty when the Death Eaters returned. The Harry Potter cast had to film Deathly Hallows and Voldemort was in the shower. The absence of sound meant that Voldemort was coming down the stairs. Snape led the Death Eaters into the living room. He-Who-Must-Not-Have-A-Shower-Too-Often strutted into the living room with a happy disposition.

"Well? Do you have the pensieve?" asked Voldemort excitedly. Rodolphus smiled at him, and placed the basin on a table. Blue strings seemed to swirl around in the basin, and Voldemort searched for the right memory by using his wand. Finally after a few moments, Voldemort gave a squeal of triumph, and told Lucius, Bellatrix and Snape to enter with him into the memory. Yet unfortunately for Voldy and Co, I have to rain on their parade.

The pensieve began vibrating with a blue light glowing around it. The Death Eaters stood still, transfixed at the unexpected sight in front of them. The pensieve let off blue steam, before vanishing without a trace. All that was left in the pensieve's place was an envelope with the Hogwarts insignia printed on the back. Voldemort nervously picked up the envelope, fearful that it would sing the 'Hokey Pokey', but in fact, it was one of Dumbledore's Personal Howlers.

"TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THE SPANISH INQUISITION IN CONTROL OF HARRY! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED BY YOUR SINISTER PLAN! IF YOU DARE TO HARM HARRY OR HIS FRIENDS ONCE MORE, I WILL PERSONALLY DESTROY YOUR COLLECTION OF ROBERT PATTINSON POSTERS!" shrieked the howler. Voldemort was taken aback by the accusations.

"WHO DARED TELL HIM MY SECRET!" demanded Voldemort. He used legilimency on every single Death Eater in the room. He first tried Lucius.

'_I wonder if anyone has peanuts?' _he wondered curiously. Voldemort moved on to Rodolphus.

'_Is Avery wearing cologne? Mmm! Smells nice!' _thought Rodolphus. Voldemort looked repulsed, and continued on to Greyback.

'_Hurry up Voldy! I've got a role in that next Twilight Movie and Robert Pattinson hates doing his shots without me!'_. Voldemort gave Greyback a small wink, before heading onto Bellatrix.

'_HUGH LAURIE! I NEED MORE PICTURES OF HIM IN HOUSE!" _thought Bellatrix. Voldemort ignored her obsession, and his mind strayed to Peter.

'_Oh damn it! Block your mind, Peter. BLOCK IT! Damn it! If James and Sirius taught me Occlumency as well as turning into an Animagus, then I wouldn't have betrayed them!' _thought Wormtail. Voldemort gave a scream of triumph, and aimed his wand at Peter. Peter squealed in fright as Voldemort yelled at him.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" sobbed Wormtail. Voldemort lowered his wand slightly.

"AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, DO YOU EXPECT NO RETRIBUTION? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? THE SPANISH INQUSITION?" boomed Voldemort. The door burst open, as the cardinals swept in the room with their red hats bouncing up and down on their heads and the crimson robes billowing behind them. Cardinal Ximinez walked forwards impressively.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE – OH BUGGER!" cursed Ximinez, as the author ended the chapter with an author note.

**THE AUTHOR NOTE WHICH HAS JUST BEEN MENTIONED ABOVE:**** THANKYOU, AND PLEASE REVIEW, OR ELSE CARDINAL XIMINEZ WILL BURST INTO YOUR ROOM AT NIGHT! **


	14. Chapter 14: Random Places of Interest

**A/N: THANKYOU SO MUCH** **ALLIRIYAN, FOR REVIEWING 5 CHAPTERS, KENZICULLEN AND TWILIGHTFANPIREFREAK FOR REVIEWING AS WELL! AND NOW, ALLOW THIS STORY, TO UNFORTUNATELY CONTINUE! ALSO, I DIDN'T MENTION THAT VOLDEMORT ACCIDENTLY REVEALED HIMSELF AT THE M.O.M IN CHAPTER 12! **

Disclaimer: I only own Harry Potter in my dreams.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 14: Random Places of Interest

**SPINNER'S END, 31****ST**** JULY**

"Excuse me my lord, but why did you have to bring _it _over here," complained Snape. He was sitting in an old armchair, watching drunk Death Eaters sing and dance around his house. Voldemort was sitting on the opposite of him, sipping a martini…shaken, not stirred.

"Oh Severus, did you expect Lucius to allow Goyle to vomit on the Axminister like last year?" chuckled Voldemort, sipping his martini as he watched Rodolphus singing _colorful _things about Bellatrix. Snape glared at him maliciously. CRACK! Rabastan had knocked down a large ornate vase while performing a tango with Alecto. Snape gave a roar of anger, before waving his wand and fixing the large vase.

"Can't we bring the party _outside_?" muttered Snape. Voldemort ignored him. Lucius was tap dancing towards them, with a wide grin on his face.

"Come on, Sevvy! Join in the party! Narcissa has just come with a load of rum!" said Lucius merrily. Snape remained in his seat when Lucius held out his hand.

"I am not touching your hand, Lucius," snapped Snape. Lucius chuckled loudly, before waving his wand, accidently casting a transfiguration charm.

"Oops! Sorry Snape!" apologized Lucius, as he patted his hand on the new bat Snape. The bat glared (is it possible?) at Lucius, before waving the enormously large wand in its small hands. Snape was back, with an incomprehensible look on his face. Lucius took this sign as a reason to step back from him. Lucius gave a loud, humph, before returning to the party. Voldemort stared at Snape.

"Sometimes, I question about your happy state," muttered Voldemort.

* * *

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, 1ST AUGUST**

Snape sat in his office, particularly furious about the previous night. He was writing an important notice for Dumbledore to announce at the welcoming feast next month. He smiled as he wrote an incredibly humorous line. 'This should be a hell of an opening speech,' thought Snape.

* * *

**THE GREAT HALL, 1****st**** SEPTEMBER**

"Welcome back! To another year at Hogwarts! I must inform you of a particularly serious note that you have no doubt known for quite some time. I'm afraid to inform you that Lord Voldemort has indeed returned to power" proclaimed Dumbledore. Most people in the hall flinched at the sound of his name. Even a number of the teachers were shaken by his name. Dumbledore continued, "I must remind you, that there is no harm in saying his name. As I have already said, 'fear of a name, only increases fear of the thing itself'. Due to this unfortunate matter, the Ministry has placed several Aurors at Hogwarts, to protect you in case Voldemort plans an attack," The students flinched once more at his name.

"Also, Professor Snape would like me to announce a special message from him. He indicated Snape from behind him, who gave a small nod. Snape took a parchment from inside his robes.

"I would like to announce, that the school will be hosting a welcoming ball, in order to increase the relationships between the students," said Snape. Everyone in the hall had disgusted looks on their faces. Snape began thinking of dirty images in his mind. "NOT COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS! FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIPS! FOR MERLIN'S SAKE PEOPLE! DO YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT YOUR TANGLED LOVE-LIVES 24/7?" screamed Snape. Everyone in the hall remained silent. The Patil twins burst into tears at Snape's accusation, and they had to be taken away to the school's personal Anger/Relaxation dome. Snape remained emo as ever, and continued on with his speech. "Now after that sudden outburst by a teacher _other _than me, I will now continue on! The ball will be held on Monday of next week, and only the third years and higher may attend, however an older student may ask a younger student to be their guest," said Snape. High pitched giggles were heard from somewhere in the Gryffindor table. Lavender Brown was laughing with Hannah Abbot who was the table opposite from Lavender. Snape glared at them menacingly. "CEASE THE GIGGLES! THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!" shouted Snape. Lavender and Hannah stopped giggling, and stood up and ran out of the Great Hall to join the Patil twins in the Anger/Relaxation dome. Snape sighed in frustration. "FOR MERLIN'S SAKE! I AM NOT GOING TO BE INTERRUPTED ANYMORE! JUST READ THE $#%IN NOTE ON THE NOTICEBOARD IN YOUR $#%IN DORMITORY!" bellowed Snape. The entire hall remained shocked at Snape's foul mouthed words. Dumbledore stared at Snape as though he was mental.

"Severus! How dare you use cursing in my hall!" said Dumbledore. Snape turned red, and looked like he was going to explode.

"HEADMASTER! THE REASON FOR MY SWEARING IS BECAUSE OF…HIM!" accused Snape, as he pointed at someone in the room. That person stood up furiously.

It was Harry. He had his wand pointed at Snape. He too felt like exploding.

"DUMBLEDORE! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" yelled Harry. Dumbledore nodded and turned back to Snape, demanding an explanation.

"I...I…LOOK! IT'S A HIPPOGRIFF!" screamed Snape, as he pointed at the Great Hall double doors. Everyone turned to face the doors. Snape took this distraction as his chance to escape. With a wave of his wand, he was gone. Everyone in the hall kept staring at the doors.

"DON'T STOP LOOKING CHILDREN! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SEE THE HIPPOGRIFF!" commanded Dumbledore.

* * *

**MALFOY MANOR**

Snape reappeared at Malfoy Manor, where Voldemort was conversing with the Potter actors from chapter nine.

"Now, we have to send both Daniel and Michael into the Ministry, in order for us to infiltrate the Ministry," said Voldemort. He was sitting in the dining room with large blueprints of various places in the Ministry. Daniel was perplexed at what Voldemort was asking him to do.

"Voldemort, I don't even know where the Ministry is supposed to be!" exclaimed Daniel. Voldemort smiled at him.

"I will arrange for Rodolphus to lend you his Order of the Phoenix book," replied Voldemort. Daniel nodded and proceeded to play X-BOX 360 with Emma and Rupert in the living room. Voldemort was now informing Michael what role he would play. "You'll be _convincing_ Scrimgeour to give you the role of Minister," said Voldemort. Michael Gambon grinned at Voldemort, before joining Daniel in the living room.

"SNAPE!" exclaimed Voldemort, noticing Snape for the first time since last night.

"Yes, my lord?" muttered Snape.

"Why are you back from Hogwarts?" demanded Voldemort. Snape ignored him, before thundering upstairs to his bedroom. Hearing the slam, Voldemort shrugged and decided to add a few more applications to his dark mark.

* * *

**THE DEPARTMENT OF UNEXPLAINABLE AND RIDICULOUS EXCUSES **

"I'M TELLING YOU MR. MALFOY, THAT YOUR EXCUSE FOR THE BROCKDALE BRIDGE'S DESTRUCTION WAS CAUSED BY A GIANT REPTILE FROM JAPAN, HAS NOT MET THE DEPARTMENT'S REGULATIONS!" shouted the Department Head. Lucius was filling in an excuse for Voldemort for a bridge's destruction.

"IT WAS DESTROYED BY GODZILLA!" bellowed Lucius. The Department Head kept shaking his head.

"YOUR CLAIM THAT THE VILLAGE OF GLAGSTON WAS DESTROYED BY AN UNDERWATER CREATURE KNOWN AS NESSIE IS CURRENTLY BEING EXAMINED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES: _POSSIBLY FAKE YET UNDERTIMINED DIVISION_!" bellowed the Head. Lucius felt like punching the annoying man, and in fact, he did. The Head of the D.O.U.A.R.E fell to the floor with a loud thud. Lucius placed a large paper waste basket on the man's head, and walked out of the room, whistling.

* * *

**WEASLEYS' WIZARDING WHEEZES, DIAGON ALLEY**

"So… decided to make fun of me by placing my face on your edible items?" said Snape dangerously. He was at the front counter, accusing Fred and George of inappropriate use of Snape's _gorgeous _face (that was painful to type!). Fred and George remained grinning at him.

"Yeah Sevvy? We can't really do anything about that! We've already ordered several thousand boxes of them!" exclaimed Fred.

"Oh, and we've also developed the line of 'UGLY TEACHERS: THAT ARE EDIBLE!' " added George. Snape gave a roar of frustration and he seized Fred and George by their collars.

"I MAY NOT BE YOUR TEACHER ANYMORE, BUT IF YOU DO NOT DESTROY YOUR PRODUCTS WITH MY FACE ON THEM, I WILL REPORT TO THE MINISTRY ABOUT INPROPER USE OF EMO PEOPLES' FACES!" shouted Snape, spraying Fred and George with large gobs of spit (disgusting!). They both stopped grinning and pushed Snape back to his original position.  
"Watch it Snape! You can't bully us around no more! We're part of the Order, and now, we're like family…not!" chuckled Fred. Snape glared at him, before strutting outside the shop. George started grabbing an ink bottle and quill from under the counter.

"What's that for?" asked Fred. George winked at him.

"You'll see…"

* * *

**THE GREAT HALL, MORNING OF THE 2****ND**** OF SEPTEMBER**

Hermione was sipping her pumpkin juice and glossing over her potion book, when a handsome tawny owl swooped down on the Gryffindor table and dropped a copy of the Daily Prophet in front of her.

"Anyone dead?" asked Ron, as he watched Hermione unroll the newspaper.

"Yes, it's…" began Hermione. But her sentence was blocked out by a loud scream. Everyone turned to face the source of the scream. Snape was nervously holding a large red envelope. He opened it slowly and loud yells echoed throughout the hall.

"SNIVELLUS SNAPE! YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN WIZARD CHOICE'S AWARD FOR WORST MAN TO HAVE EVER EXISTED! THE CEREMONY WILL BE HELD NEXT MONTH AT A LOCAL SEWAGE FARM IN SUSSEX! YOU ARE EXPECTED TO WEAR ROBES OF VIBRANT PINK, AND YOU MUST HAVE WITH YOU A PINK STUFFED TEDDY BEAR, IN ORDER TO GAIN ENTRY THROUGH THE MAIN SEWER PIPE, WHICH IS WHERE WE'LL GIVE OUT THE AWARD! SIR. ROBERT SNIFFLY, CHAIRMAN OF WIZARD CHOICE, WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON WINNING THE AWARD! HE SAYS, 'THE AWARD IS A NEW CATEGORY, WHICH HAS BEEN CHOSEN BY ME, TO COMBAT WITH AWFUL BODY ODOR WHICH YOU RELEASE!' YOURS UNFORTUNATELY, SIR. ROBERT SNIFFLY," proclaimed the howler. The howler lay on the table frozen after the last word. A temple started throbbing on Snape's forehead as he stood up.

"Please excuse me for a moment…I'll be now cutting myself with a knife," said Snape. He strode out of the hall slowly, and the doors slammed shut after he went out. Talk resumed throughout the hall. Harry, Ron and Hermione remained spellbound on the surprising event.

"This is proof that he's emo," said Harry. Ron nodded in agreement.

"I'm sending a letter to the Daily Prophet straightaway!" exclaimed Ron.

**THE END…OF THIS CHAPTER! THE REPLY FROM THE DAILY PROPHET WILL APPEAR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! AND REMEMBER! REVIEW, OTHERWISE I MAY HAVE TO GET LAVENDER TO KISS YOU!**


	15. Chapter 15: Feel Sorry for Snape!

**A/N: I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE! I HAVE NOW LABLED DRACOLOVER AS MY NUMBER ONE FAN! I APPRECIATE EVERYONE ELSE FOR REVIEWING! THANKYOU SO MUCH! NOW, SHALL WE FIND OUT HOW SNAPEY'S GOING?**

Disclaimer: If I said that I did own 'insert name of successful franchise', then I'd be living a lie.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 15 – Feel Sorry for Snape!

**DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM**

"WEASLEY! WHERE IS THAT NEWSPAPER?" demanded Snape. The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was gloomier than usual. Perhaps it was the evaporated blood from Snape's cut veins making the difference? Anyway, Snape was particularly nervous more than usual. He was dreading the article on his status as emo in the Daily Prophet. He was now commanding Ron to hand in his copy of the Daily Prophet, which was in fact Hermione's copy. Snape seized the newspaper out of Ron's arm and began scanning the obituaries first.

"Um, sir! Wouldn't you find the important stuff on the front page?" questioned Hermione. Snape began thinking quickly, which could a considerable amount of time.

"Hmmm…you're right! 10 house points from Gryffindor!" exclaimed Snape. The Gryffindors stared at him menacingly. He had subtracted approximately 125 points from Gryffindor since the start of the week. Snape noticed this act of hatred. "WHAT? SHE DIDN'T PUT HER HAND UP!" screamed Snape. The Gryffindors backed away slowly from Snape. He was now flipping through the first few pages, when a voice called out.

"Professor Snape, we haven't learnt a single thing for over a week!" complained Draco.

"20 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! YES MR MALFOY, FROM MY OWN HOUSE! IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS RANDOM ACT OF INTERROGATION, I WILL HAVE TO DEDUCT 100 HOUSE POINTS FROM EACH OF YOU IN THIS CLASS!" boomed Snape. The class backed away even further from Snape. Neville backed away so far, that he caused a large hole in the back of the room. Snape sighed. "Miss. Parkinson! Fetch Mr. Filch to get Mr. Longbottom out of the classroom wall!" ordered Snape. Pansy grudgingly stood up from her seat and rushed out of the classroom. Snape continued flicking through the Daily Prophet. The class heard Snape mutter words under his breath. "Goblin scandal… oversized cauldrons… Equus… AHA! HERE IT IS!" shouted Snape. He hurried up the stairs to his office and slammed the door shut. Snape carefully flattened the paper smoothly, and read:

_DUMBLEDORE MAKES EMO__**-**__TIONAL CHOICE?_

_By Doris Crockford_

_Recent understandings of the teacher appointments at Hogwarts School, have led to some serious investigations within the Ministry of Magic. The newly appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Severus Snape (previously Potions Master), has led to some dispute by parents of the students at Hogwarts. Gladys Finnegan has stated, 'My son has shared with me some rumors about Professor Snape for quite some time now. He has listened to Professor's Snape's confession, which he states '__Please excuse me for a moment…I'll be now cutting myself with a knife','_

_A person such as Severus Snape is often a vampire, a terrible being with a vicious need for blood. Professor Dumbledore has not given comment on this speculation, however we cannot rule out vampire as a possible status for Professor Snape. The Chosen One, Harry Potter, has given a very similar statement as the one above. 'Professor Snape has always had a very depressing demeanor around himself. For example, when I first arrived at Hogwarts, Professor Snape bombarded me with three incredibly and ridiculously hard questions from O.W.L. level. My friends and I have come to the conclusion, that Professor Snape is emo,' says Harry Potter. Emo is currently a new term in the Wizarding World, and will be researched during the current week. Keep a lookout for more updates on Hogwarts Professor, Severus Snape, throughout the week!_

Snape stared at the newspaper for more than a few minutes. He finally raised his wand, and touched the tip of it in the center of the paper. Green slime began eating away at the Daily Prophet, until all that remained, was a patch of the end of Snape's surname…'ape'. Snape muttered curses at thin air, when his office door opened. Pansy was standing there with Filch by her side. Snape didn't move. "Yes?" he muttered.

"Professor, Longbottom has been wedged too far within the wall," said Filch. Snape sighed, and followed Filch back to the classroom.

"_Expulso_," whispered Snape. The wall crumbled as the curse exploded the edges. Neville walked out of the wall, looking surprised and overjoyed.

"You saved me! How can I ever –," cried Neville. He held out his arms wide, and ran towards Snape. Snape remained shocked, as Neville tightly hugged him. The entire class gasped in shock. Snape stared at Neville with his cold eyes.

"Thank you Longbottom," muttered Snape. The class gasped even louder this time, even several girls fainting with shock. "If you would please take your seat, we will be continuing with the lesson,"

* * *

**TEACHERS' STAFFROOM**

Snape entered the staffroom in an incredibly grumpy manner. McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout were already sitting in old armchairs, sipping their tea (or in McGonagall's case, coffee). Snape gave a loud sigh, before collapsing in one of the apparently empty chairs. Unfortunately, Snape could not see the ghostly outline of Professor Binns, and sank right through Professor Binns's non-corporeal body. "GAHHHHH!!!" howled Snape. The feeling of being drenched in a cold shower is particularly uncomfortable, but in Snape's case, where his skin is already pale and cold, the feeling is unbearable. The other teachers stared at the howling Snape, before continuing on with their tea (and coffee!).

"Do you think we should help him?" squeaked Professor Flitwick. Professor McGonagall gave him a small shake of her head.

"Let's just watch shall we, Fillius?" said McGonagall, slightly smirking at Snape's flailing arms.

* * *

**NOT TOO LONG LATER, AT MALFOY MANOR**

"Welcome back Snape!" exclaimed Voldemort, as he gestured Snape into _another _armchair. Snape glared at him, before taking a seat. Sitting next to him, were Lucius and Rodolphus. They were muttering about the 7 days left until the public release of Half-Blood Prince.

"Do you think we should purchase midnight release tickets?" asked Rodolphus. Lucius placed his wand tip on his chin.

"Hmm…no. My calculations predict that a horde of Twilight fans will declare war against the Harry Potter fandom, so we will have to go to a day screening to avoid that," muttered Lucius. Snape stood up from his seat, and started yelling at the pair.

"WHAT IS THE POINT OF GOING TO SEE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE IS ME?" shrieked Snape. Lucius and Rodolphus gasped loudly.

"NOOOO! NOT SPOILERS!" screamed Rodolphus. He rushed out of his seat and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. Snape sighed ­_again _(how many times can a man sigh each chapter?).

"We just wanted to see Daniel Radcliffe," muttered Lucius. Snape gawped at him.

"I thought Avery and Rodolphus were the ones who liked Radcliffe?" said Snape slowly. Lucius sighed this time.

"Severus! Don't you know that virtually everyone in this Manor is practically in love with Radcliffe…except for Bellatrix, Narcissa, Draco, you and Voldy," said Lucius. A sudden roar of anger was heard in the dining room. Voldemort was marching towards them, furious than ever.

"VOLDY? YOU DARE INSULT THE GREAT LORD VOLDYMORT?" boomed Voldemort. This time, both Snape and Lucius gasped at Voldemort.

"My lord! You just called yourself Voldymort!" whispered Lucius. Voldemort stared at him in disbelief.

"I..I…did not, call myself Voldymort," said Voldemort. Lucius and Snape stared at He-Who-Consistently-Is-In-Denial.

"Yeah, sure…Mr. Denial," said Snape sarcastically. They both strode out of the living room, trying to stifle their sniggers. Voldemort was left in the room, utterly confused.

"What? Did they want the Spanish Inquisition again?" wondered Voldemort. Unfortunately, the Spanish Inquisition was run over by an incredibly disturbed Norwegian Blue Parrot, who consistently demanded Spam and for someone to read him the funniest joke in the world. Cardinal Ximinez for some odd reason, kept muttering about various types of cheeses, and only Cardinal Biggles managed to escape, but for the rest of his life, he could only do silly walks.

**THE END…OF ANOTHER TIRESOME CHAPTER**


	16. Chapter 16: Britney, Sexy, Dancing

**A/N: 31 REVIEWS! THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING THIS! **

Disclaimer: HP is owned by J.K

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 16 - Britney, Sexy, Dancing

The Gryffindor Common Room was loud that Sunday evening. It was noisy, due to the loud sounds of Dean and Ginny kissing each other by the fireplace. Harry was incredibly upset about this event, but the person who was the most upset and irritated, was Ron. "Look at them! Kissing each other left and right! It's like they think the end of the world is coming!" mumbled Ron. Harry came to the conclusion that he would nod every time Ron rambles about Ginny. Hermione was in the Library again, studying, or most likely, avoiding Ron and Lavender. Harry and Hermione were stuck between two _wars_; the one between Ron and Lavender; and the one between Dean and Ginny. Harry decided to take Ron out for Quidditch practice, seeing as that is virtually the only thing they do to take things off their minds. Broomsticks in their hands, Harry and Ron set down towards the Quidditch pitch.

* * *

**THE NEXT DAY…**

"MR WEASLEY! DO NOT STIR YOUR POTION LIKE THAT! YOU'LL DISINTEGRATE THE ENTIRE CLASSROOM!" boomed Slughorn. Ron was rapidly stirring his cauldron so quickly, that his hands were a complete blur. Professor Slughorn sighed in annoyance as he fixed Ron's potion up. "Sometimes, I wonder how you passed your OWL," muttered Slughorn. After Ron's potion was back to turquoise blue, Slughorn left Ron's desk, and strode towards Draco's potion. "Hmm…a bit too dark Mr. Malfoy, however, it does pass. Good job!" said Slughorn. Draco faced Harry and smirked at him. Slughorn didn't notice it. "Now Harry! Let's see how you have done today!" exclaimed Slughorn. He ladled some of Harry's bright blue potion up. After several seconds, Slughorn excitedly dropped the ladle back in the cauldron. "How marvelous Harry! A perfect brew of Sexy Solution! Take ten points to Gryffindor!" chuckled Slughorn. Harry thanked Slughorn before taking his wand out. Ron however, stopped Harry at once.

"Don't Harry! You can use the potion you know!" whispered Ron. Harry looked surprised, and took out a vial from his bag. He poured a little bit of the Sexy Solution into the vial and sealed the top with a vial. He placed a strong sticking charm onto the cork, making sure that none of the _precious _liquid leaked. The bell rang, and Harry headed off to Defense Against the Dark Arts with Ron and Hermione.

* * *

Snape was already at his desk when Harry arrived. He was looking particularly menacing and slightly emo. Harry and his class mates took their seats and got out their books.

"I thought I told you to **not **take out your textbooks," said Snape coldly. Harry paused for a moment, and then placed his books back into his bag. Snape had left his desk and was now standing impressively at the front the classroom. "Today, you will all attempt to duel against me. I must inform you, that I will be using only the spells you have learnt so far with me and your previous teachers. You may use any spell which you desire. I will now call out the first person to duel with me," announced Snape. He summoned the register from his desk with a summoning charm. "Miss. Abott!" called Snape. Hannah nervously walked to the front with her wand shaking in her hand. Snape leered at her. "We will be dueling with standard rules," he said. Hannah took her position on the opposite side of the room, facing Snape. "We now bow to each other,"

* * *

Snape had defeated virtually everyone in the class, except for several members of the DA. Hermione managed to hold Snape off for several minutes, until Snape knocked her out with blasting jinx ("Take her to the hospital wing Miss. Parkinson!"), Neville had astonishingly survived for more than four minutes, until Snape got tired of Neville ducking under desks, Ernie had only survived for three minutes, due to him saying pompous things to Snape and Draco managed to survive even longer than Hermione, but perhaps it was because Snape favored Malfoy. Finally, it was Harry's turn. With his wand aimed towards Snape, Harry took his position cautiously. Snape sneered at Harry, before taking out his own long black wand. "Ready Potter? One, two, four, eight, five, nine…THREE!" cackled Snape. Harry was completely off-guard when Snape fired a non-verbal stunner at him. Snape screamed with laughter, but Harry deflected it with Protego.

"REDUCTO!" cried Harry. The spell narrowly missed Snape, and instead, hit Snape's desk.

"NOOO! STUPEFY!" screamed Snape. Harry kept blocking and dodging Snape's spells.

"EXPULSO!" bellowed Harry. Snape leapt away from chair which exploded with great force that knocked back everyone in the room.

"STOP DESTROYING FURNITURE! INCARCEROUS!"

"IMPEDIMENTA!" yelled Harry. Snape's ropes froze in mid-air, and then slowly rebounded back towards him.

"REDUCTO!" cried Snape. The ropes exploded into dust. "INCENDIO!"

"AQUAMENTI!" shouted Harry. The flames were immediately extinguished by the water spurting out of Harry's wand.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" yelled Snape. The spell missed Harry, and instead hit a distressed Lavender Brown.

"FINITE INCANTATEM! SILENCIO!" bellowed Harry. Lavender was back on her feet, and Snape was suddenly silenced. Harry laughed and raised his wand for a final spell.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" yelled Harry. Snape's wand flew out of his hand and Harry caught it. Loud cheering and support burst from around the room. Ron came over and clapped Harry on the back, while Dean sent up fireworks in the air with his wand. Snape looked madder than ever. He strode over to Harry menacingly. He placed his wand on his throat and immediately began talking again.

"Detention, Potter! I thought I told you to not use disarming spells? And I'll take this vial from your bag to make sure you listen more carefully next time," snapped Snape, as he placed the small vial of Sexy Solution in his robes. Harry stood shocked at Snape, but before he could retaliate, the bell rang. Snape held them all back. "I'll remind you all that the welcoming ball will be held tonight in the Great Hall!" said Snape.

* * *

**6:30 PM, THE ENTRANCE HALL**

A number of the students were dressed up in their dress robes looking all fancy, except for Ron who forgot to bring his new dress robes and instead brought his old ones. McGonagall was marking out a list on those who would be dancing. Of course, Lavender and Ron, or perhaps, Lavender who was dragging Ron, were first to be marked off. Harry brought along Parvati (again), who looked extremely annoyed and pleased to be back with Harry. Hermione brought (shudder!) Cormac McLaggen, who was looking rather smug with Hermione _attached _to his arm. Neville was to be seen with Luna, looking rather dazed and confused on why he asked her to accompany him. Much to Harry's disgust, Dean was with Ginny, who looked rather gorgeous in their robes (that is Ginny, not Dean!). Draco was looking sour being with his admirer and stalker, Pansy Parkinson. Other couples that you may like to know are Hannah Abott with Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchley with Padma Patil, Michael Corner with Cho Chang, Seamus Finnegan with Katie Bell (despite her being one year older than him), Theodore Nott was with Astoria Greengrass, Gregory Goyle with Millicent Bulstrode, Vincent Crabbe with Daphne Greengrass and Blaise Zabini was left with no one because he was so sad to not choose a girl from another house. Harry was rather nervous to be seen dancing with Parvati again, but he had half-hoped that Ginny would notice him. Soon, it was time for them all to enter the Great Hall. McGonagall was wearing bottle green robes (like Harry) but around the bottom of her robes, was a (Note: This next description may harm young, old and dead readers!) FURBYS! Yes, the elderly witch had a soft spot in her heart for furry Muggle toys.

"The Welcoming Ball will begin in approximately…600 seconds! Please be quiet while I prepare the music!" announced Professor McGonagall. She entered the Great Hall with the Furbys calling out crude words from behind her. The double doors slammed, and a bundle of talk was heard throughout the entrance hall. Harry joined Lavender and Ron, who were kissing each other in the corner of the hall. Parvati looked rather annoyed about Harry not paying attention to her. Ron apparently didn't notice Harry's presence. Professor McGonagall was back, with a few broken Furbys around her robes (it looked like someone threw something at them).

"You may now enter," muttered Professor McGonagall, as she tried to repair the Furbys with her wand. The students trampled over Professor McGonagall, in an attempt to be the first ones to dance. In the end, Ron and Lavender were obviously first, next were Luna and Neville, then Cormac and Hermione and finally Harry and Parvati. The other students got there between the four pairs which the author mentioned above. Dumbledore was wearing robes of unbearable pink with bells laced around the collar, which sang things like 'HAVE A SUPER-IFIC DANCE!' and 'GET OF THE GRASS – I MEAN, DANCEFLOOR!' which were the least disturbing of the messages. Professor McGonagall was avoiding Professor Trelawny, who was the culprit of the damaging of the sacred Furbys!

"They are furry children of the Grim, Minerva!" shrieked Trelawny.

"Nonsense, Sybill!" replied McGonagall. After an hour of bitch-fighting, Professor McGonagall was ready to begin the music. "After a long hard journey to find the One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,  
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, we have found a singer worthy of the halls of Hogwarts! May I welcome, BRITNEY SPEARS!" screamed Professor McGonagall. Everyone was clueless to who Britney Spears was, but a number of the Muggle-borns and half-bloods gave huge fan girl screams. The curtains behind McGonagall opened wide, and Britney was in a very skimpy flight attendant outfit. The students went wild when Britney performed Circus for them.

"I LOVE YOU BRITNEY!" screamed Hermione as she slowly unbuttoned her… (Note to readers: You probably know what happened next, so I'll skip to the next bit).

* * *

After Britney had performed _every _single song on _every _single one of her albums, the time was now approximately 12:30. At that moment, Snape had burst into the hall with his dress robes. Everyone in the hall screamed in horror, and most of the girls fainted with shock. Although Severus didn't know it, the Sexy Solution which he had taken a few hours before had turned him into a…

"GIRL! SEVERUS, YOU HAVE TURNED INTO A WOMAN!" screamed Dumbledore. Snape gawped at Dumbledore, before noticing that instead of a chest, there was a bosom. Snape shrieked in horror, and ran outside the hall and down into the dungeons. Hearing a loud SLAM!, the boys attempted at resuscitate the fainted girls. Dumbledore gave a small shiver of shock and McGonagall did absolutely nothing at all.

"He looks a lot better as a girl!" exclaimed Minerva.


	17. Chapter 17: VOLDY AND DEATH EATER SHOW!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is NOT owned by me or any relatives

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 17 –THE VOLDY AND DEATH EATER SHOW! 

"DEATH EATERS! I HAVE MOST LIKELY FOUND A POSSIBLE WAY TO PERSUADE WITCHES AND WIZARDS ALIKE TO JOIN OUR GROUP!" announced Voldemort. He was standing on top of the dining room table impressively, while addressing the Death Eaters who were sitting in chairs surrounding him.

"WELL? WHAT'S THE GODDAMN PLAN!" screamed Avery. His unfortunate outbursts were back again, but even worse this time. Voldemort had decided to feign deafness whenever Avery screamed and he proceeded on with the talk.

"Well, the plan is –,"

"HURRY UP!"

"We are going to –,"

"SPILL IT!"

"Use a very sophisticated Muggle device –,"

"YES?"  
"CALLED A VIDEO CAMERA!"

"MUGGLE DEVICES?"

"WE WILL HOST OUR VERY OWN –,"

"QUIT STALLING!"

"GAME SHOW!" shouted Voldemort. The Death Eaters looked confused. Obviously, none of them have ever watched a single bit of Muggle television. Voldemort glared down at Avery, who was shaking with fear. "Avery… go to the anger dome if you must!" muttered Voldemort. Avery looked surprised, as though he was expecting the Cruciatus curse again. He stood up from his seat and waked out of the room quietly. Snape decided to stand up this time.

"My lord, what on earth is a Game Show?" he asked.

"I'll show you…"

* * *

"WELCOME TO THE VOLDY AND DEATH EATER SHOW! I'M YOUR HOST, HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!" boomed Voldemort.

He was standing behind a panel, with three other contestants behind desks. The audience was clapping loudly, and several even dared to boo.

After the applause had died down, Voldemort took an envelope from under his panel and began to read.

"Our first contestant is Augusta Longbottom, who is the grandmother of Neville Longbottom of Hogwarts School," announced Voldemort. More applauding occurred and Mrs. Longbottom kept bowing and thanking everyone.

"Our next guest is a very special one, and he has come all the way from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, PLEASE WELCOME…DRACO MALFOY!" yelled Voldemort. Draco had his blonde hair gelled so thickly, that a bullet could be trapped in his hair. He was smirking at everyone, and produced some fireworks out of his wand in celebration.

"Our final guest is perhaps the man of the moment! PLEASE WELCOME, ONE OF OUR VERY OWN DEATH EATERS…SEVERUS SNAPE!" yelled Voldemort. Snape was sneering at everyone with all he could muster. His hair was so greasy, that the studio lights couldn't penetrate the thick grease in his hair.

Voldemort silenced the crowd with his wand, and continued on with the show. "Now each of our contestants will try to answer these questions relating on whatever subject my Death Eaters choose. Are you ready?" asked Voldemort. The contestants nodded. Voldemort opened another envelope. "The subject for this first game is… HOGWARTS!" yelled Voldemort. He shuffled a pile of cue cards and read. "Approximately how many years ago, was Hogwarts founded?" he asked. The contestants raced to press the buzzers, but Augusta got there first.

"Is it, over a thousand years ago?" asked Mrs. Longbottom. The audience applauded as Voldemort nodded.

"Yes, well done Augusta! The next question is 'who is perhaps the most famous person to ever have attended Hogwarts, this century'?" asked Voldemort. Draco's buzzer went off quickly.

"Is it Harry Potter?" asked Draco. The audience booed as Voldemort gave a thumbs down.

"Sorry, Draco! I will now leave the question open for Augusta to answer!" exclaimed Voldemort.

"Is it Professor Dumbledore?" she asked. Voldemort shook his head as the audience booed even louder.

"Severus?" asked Voldemort. Snape was smirking at Draco.

"Is it you, my lord?"

"YES IT IS SEVERUS! I AM IN FACT THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON TO EVER ATTEND HOGWARTS THIS CENTURY!" yelled Voldemort. The audience booed so loudly, that the lenses on the camera started cracking. Voldemort silenced them with Silencio, before repairing the lenses on the camera. "The next question is, 'In what year, did Hogwarts hold a dueling club'?" asked Voldemort. Draco was the first to buzz in again.

"Is it 1992?" he asked. The audience clapped loudly, seeing as they couldn't talk.

"Yes it is Draco! Wonderful, for a bonus point, can you tell us, why it was held?" asked Voldemort. Draco thought for a few seconds, and then answered again.

"Was it because of the Chamber of Secrets opening?" questioned Draco. The audience clapped louder.

"YES! THAT'S TWO POINTS DRACO! THE POINTS NOW STAND WITH AUGUSTA ON ONE, SNAPE ON ONE AND DRACO WITH TWO POINTS! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!" announced Voldemort.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE, IN RONALD WEASLEY'S HOUSE**

"Hey Harry! Wanna have a look at this telyvision Dad got?" asked Ron. Harry was staring at the cracking fireplace, thinking of highly angsty things. He sighed, and sat on Ron's bed, eyeing the box.

Ron was trying to turn on the television by hitting his wand on the top of it. Harry grinned at Ron, seeing as he knew very much how to turn on a television. He watched Ron try to poke, hit, whack, jam, snap his wand onto the television until the screen finally lit up.

Ron beamed at Harry, thinking he turned the television on himself, while in fact, Harry used the remote control. The screen depicted a game show, which Harry suspected was one of Dudley's favorites. However, he was proven wrong when the giant pink logo of the Voldy and Death Eater Show appeared on the screen.

Harry sat frozen, as he saw his arch-nemesis address the audience. Ron was deeply surprised to see moving pictures of people on the screen. "Harry is this like a Wizarding photograph?" asked Ron enthusiastically. Harry ignored him. Voldemort was now introducing the contestants. Ron had suddenly stopped and gawped at the sight of Voldemort. "MUM! YOU-KNOW-WHO IS ON THE TELYVISION!" screamed Ron. Ron's bedroom door burst open, as Lupin and Kingsley stormed in with their wands raised.

"Where is he, Ron?" asked Lupin. Kingsley was searching behind Ron's old wardrobe. Ron pointed at the television. Voldemort was halfway through introducing Augusta Longbottom. Lupin gaped at the television, before sitting down in a chair. "How…could this be?" whispered Lupin. Harry and Ron shrugged, before listening and watching Voldemort intently.

"Our next guest is a very special one, and he has come all the way from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, PLEASE WELCOME…DRACO MALFOY!" yelled Voldemort. Harry gasped as he saw Draco smirking at the screen. He felt an urge to destroy the television screen, but waited for an even better reason. Kingsley hadn't noticed that Voldemort was on the screen, and he was now searching through Scabbers's old cage.

"He should be here, Remus!" exclaimed Kingsley. Ron was too fascinated by the television to explain the situation to Kingsley. Voldemort was now making his way towards…

"SNAPE!" gasped Harry.

"_Professor _Snape," corrected Lupin. Harry glared at him, before continuing his hatred against Snape.

A few random objections and insults later, Harry watched Voldemort call out his second question.

"The next question is 'who is perhaps the most famous person to ever have attended Hogwarts, this century'?" asked Voldemort. Harry smiled.

"It's me, isn't it?" chuckled Harry. He saw Draco buzz in quickly.

"Is it Harry Potter?" asked Draco. Harry smiled as the audience booed Voldemort as he gave a thumbs down. It turns out Harry does have fans, despite how angsty he is. Harry was pleased to see Mrs. Longbottom say Dumbledore, but he was furious at Snape's answer.

"Is it you, my lord?" asked Snape. Harry frowned at him.

"YES IT IS SEVERUS! I AM IN FACT THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON TO EVER ATTEND HOGWARTS THIS CENTURY!" yelled Voldemort. Harry gave a roar of frustration, and then aimed his wand at the screen and blasted it with Reducto. Ron groaned in annoyance.

"That's the fifth telyvision that Dad brought back and got broken!" moaned Ron. Harry glared at him.

"SO? WHO WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED BRITNEY'S AUTOGRAPH?" demanded Harry.

"Uh, Harry. Lay back on the drugs!" suggested Lupin. A sudden voice was heard throughout the Burrow, which sounded remarkably like Bellatrix's.

"LAY OFF MY VICODIN! IT'S FOR WHEN HOUSE ARRIVES!"


	18. Chapter 18: Ickle Snape

**A/N: 35 REVIEWS! THANK YOU ALLIRIYAN AND TWILIGHTFANPIREFREAK! THE END OF THIS CHAPTER IS PARTIALLY BASED ON AN OLD SIMPSONS EPISODE. ENJOY!**

Disclaimer: There is not a connection between me and the almighty Harry Potter

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 18- Ickle Snape

BEEP, BEEP! '_Is that the dreaded alarm clock again?'_ thought Voldemort. He got out of bed grudgingly, and put on his fluffy bunny slippers. He headed down the stairs for breakfast. He was particularly fond of Wizard-O's, the most popular Wizarding cereal that didn't shriek at you every time you ate one. Snape, Lucius and Rodolphus were already in the dining room. Snape was eating a slice of toast covered in…tar; Lucius was drinking a cup of orange juice, while reading a copy of the Daily Prophet propped against a fruit bowl; and Rodolphus was surfing on the net with his Apple notebook. Voldemort cleared his throat loudly, grabbing the Death Eaters' attention. Snape and Lucius gawped at him and Rodolphus completely ignored him. "What?" asked Voldemort, seeing the odd look on their faces.

"What on earth are you wearing?" demanded Snape. Voldemort looked down at his night gown. It was completely pink, with flowers decorated around the front.

"Pink is the new black!" exclaimed Voldemort.

"Yeah, but there's flowers!" complained Lucius.

"Flowers are very sophisticated in their smells," said Voldemort.

"BUT IT'S PINK!"

"PINK IS THE NEW BLACK!"

"I HATE YOUR FLUFFY SLIPPERS!" bellowed Snape.

"BUNNIES ARE VERY SOFT AND WARM!" snapped Voldemort.

"THEY DON'T EVEN MATCH!" screamed Lucius. Voldemort and Snape stared at him curiously.

"What? I _am _the fashion expert in this house!" exclaimed Lucius. Voldemort shrugged, and then poured himself a bowl of Wizard-O's. Rodolphus was still surfing on his notebook.

"Is he dead?" asked Voldemort. Snape and Lucius shook their heads.

"He does something when you do _this_," said Snape. He got out of his seat and walked towards Rodolphus. Snape raised his hand in the air, and…SMACK! Snape slapped Rodolphus on the cheek. Rodolphus blinked slightly, before turning to face Snape.

"Yes, Severus?" asked Rodolphus, while smiling at Snape. Lucius and Voldemort gasped loudly.

"I swear some of our Death Eaters have ADD!"

* * *

**HOGWARTS…**

Snape was strolling through the first floor corridors, feeling emo and unwanted. Students were running pass him, completely oblivious that Snape was in their way. Even when a student bumped into Snape, they kept on walking, as though he was a wall. Snape sighed, and headed off to the Great Hall for lunch.

* * *

Most of the students were already in the hall when Snape arrived. They practically ignored him, when he strode past the four tables and sat at the high table. Finally, Snape couldn't take no more.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? HAVE YOU ALL GOT ADD OR SOMETHING?" screamed Snape. There was an awkward silence throughout the hall. Then, a voice sounding remarkably like Harry's yelled, "REBELLION!"

The hall was in chaos. Large pies soared through the air, always hitting their target. The teachers were attempting to calm the entire situation, but dismally failing.

"STUDENTS! STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY!" ordered Professor McGonagall. She was unlucky to get hit in the face by a large drumstick. She slipped on a banana peel, and knocked herself out on the floor. Professor Sprout got out of her chair to help her.

"Minerva, wake up! Ennervate!" yelled Professor Sprout. Professor McGonagall was slowly stirring, but a large bowl of soup knocked her out once more. The students went wild, the TEACHERS went wild, but most of all, Dumbledore went bonkers.

"ATTACK! DEFEND THE SCHOOL!" screamed Dumbledore. He took out a machine gun from his robes and began firing crazily in the air.

"HEEHEEHA!" cackled Dumbledore. The bullets hit several students, including Lavender Brown.

"Won-Won!" screamed Lavender. Ron and Harry were leading the rebellion, ordering the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws to fight against the Slytherins. Hermione had taken refuge in the Trophy Room, taking as many books as she could. The rest of the teachers were screaming hysterically, and several of them were making out. Professor Vector had started kissing Professor Flitwick, Professor Sinistra had grabbed Hagrid's arm and led him down into the Trophy Room for _quiet _time. The most shocking event was when Professor Trelawny tried to resuscitate Professor McGonagall, by kissing her. The students immediately stopped fighting and watched the spellbinding event. Professor Trelawny hadn't successfully resuscitated Professor McGonagall; she had killed her with her stinky breath. The students screamed with horror.

"GET HER!" sobbed Parvati. The students grabbed the forks and knives on the table, and began chasing Professor Trelawny out of the Great Hall.

"AHHHHH!" she screamed. The entire Great Hall was empty, only filled with mounds of food on the floors and tables. Professor Dumbledore remained firing at the air, until his rounds went up.

"Phooey!" muttered Dumbledore. Snape rose slowly from his hiding spot.

"Headmaster, what will we do to fix this mess?" asked Snape. Dumbledore started humming to himself.

"Headmaster?" said Snape. Dumbledore started grabbing some lemon drops out of his robes.

"Headmaster," said Snape firmly. Dumbledore started humming the tune to the Simpsons.

"HEADMASTER!" bellowed Snape. Dumbledore stopped humming and stared at Snape.

"Yes, Severus?" asked Dumbledore, with the faintest trace of a snigger.  
"ARGH! DOES EVERY ONE HAVE ADD?" screamed Snape. He marched out of the hall, and followed the rampaging students. Dumbledore took out a walkie-talkie out of his robes.

"_This is Bearded-man, over!_" said Dumbledore. The walkie-talkie started cracking, until it replied.

"_Copy that, plan alpha ready for launch?" _

"_Launch when ready," _said Dumbledore. He placed the walkie-talkie back into his robes, until the trophy room door burst open, and Hermione was pointing her finger at Dumbledore. "Miss. Granger!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

"ELECTRONIC-EQUIPMENT-DOESN'T-WORK-AT-HOGWARTS-BECAUSE-THERE'S-TOO-MUCH-MAGIC-IN-THE-AIR!" shrieked Hermione.

* * *

**WEASLEYS' WIZARDING WHEEZES**

A loud siren echoed throughout the store. Fred and George sprinted from the back to the location of the sounds. They immediately checked the siren monitor on the wall. One of the sirens was flashing red, and a large castle shape was underneath it. Fred and George looked at each other.

"I guess it's time, that we –,"

"– went back to Hogwarts,"

* * *

**HOGWARTS GROUNDS**

"AHHHH!" screamed Professor Trelawny. She was running down a hill towards Hagrid's Hut, with an army of students roaring behind her. She avoided the large pumpkins blocking her way, and forced Hagrid's front door open. Fang leapt towards Professor Trelawny, licking her face excitedly. "AHH! IT'S THE GRIM!" yelled Professor Trelawny. She got out of Hagrid's cabin, and ran to the lake. Her arms were high up in the air, waving and thrashing around. The students began throwing knives and forks at her. Her inner eye didn't foresee this outcome. She was suddenly trapped at the edge of the lake. She stuck her head under the water, calling, "SIRENS OF THE DEEP! HELP ME FROM THIS HORDE OF STUDENTS!"

The merpeople began slowly rising up to the surface. Unfortunately for Trelawny, she was unable to converse in Mermish. The merpeople began laughing at her (or perhaps shrieking because not a single word could be deciphered). The students reached her. She turned her back to face them, scared than ever. "Potter! Don't let them hurt me! You were always a wonderful object!" pleaded Professor Trelawny. Harry laughed at her, and then ordered the students to advance. The forks and knives looked menacing to Trelawny and she sobbed loudly. Suddenly, loud fireworks exploded in front of her, separating the students. They looked up at the sky, and Fred and George were hovering high above on their new firebolts.

"Hey there! Fancy a rebellion against Snape?" laughed Fred. The students turned around, and saw Snape panting and clutching his chest.

"WEASLEYS!" gasped Snape. He fainted with the shock.

* * *

**LATER…**

Snape woke up to find himself on the floor of Malfoy Manor. "Oh! It was just a dream," said Snape in relief. Voldemort and Lucius were standing over him.

"That was a close one Snape, but you made it!" exclaimed Voldemort. Snape's eyes widened.

"I won the award for sexiest man in FanFic?" asked Snape eagerly.

"No, Lucius won the award, you just regained consciousness," said Voldemort.

"AHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**EVEN LATER…**

Snape woke up to find Voldemort and Lucius standing over him.

"That was dream too," muttered Snape. Voldemort had his hand on Snape's shoulder.

"That was a close one Snape, but you made it!" exclaimed Voldemort. Snape's grinned widely.

"I won the award for sexiest man in FanFic?" asked Snape.

"No, Lucius won the award, you just regained consciousness; and believe me…THIS IS NOT A DREAM!" cackled Voldemort. Snape clasped his hands on the sides of his head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**THE END OF ANOTHER POINTLESS CHAPTER…NOT! I'VE BEEN PUTTING SNAPE THROUGH TOO MUCH PAIN, ISN'T IT TIME HE DESERVED SOME R-E-S-P-E-C-T? HERE'S A SKIT IRRELEVANT TO THE CHAPTER!**

Snape: Why do you do this to me?

The Author: Because it's the only way for people to review!

Snape: Review? Is this more crazy Muggle crap?

Reviewers: GASP!

The Author: How dare you insult my fellow reviewers! Isn't that right?

Reviewers: RIGHT!

The Author: Now if you don't persuade my fellow reviewers to review, I'll let them into your house and steal your possessions! How's that sound everyone?

Reviewers: "FANGIRL SCREAMS!"

Snape: Okay, Okay! Chillax! Review for He Who Must Not Be Poked and the Dream Eaters, otherwise, the author will let you into my house!

The Author: Oh, did I forget to mention that regardless on whatever you do, my reviewers get to go to your house?

Snape: WHAT?

(Get's trampled by fan's)

Alliriyan: I bags his shirt!

TwilightFanpireFreak: No fair!

* * *

**REVIEW!**


	19. Chapter 19: Domes, Movies and Alcohol

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Fandom is not owned by me.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 19- Domes, Movies and Alcohol

It was the Christmas Holidays, and Draco was unfortunately back at Malfoy Manor. He resisted every attempt on his life by the other Death Eaters. Greyback tried to turn him into a werewolf, only to be whacked on the head by a distraught Narcissa; Bellatrix tried subjecting him to more torture of country music, until Lucius took her to the Anger dome; Alecto tried to kiss him, until Voldemort stopped her with Crucio; Avery screamed about Tom Felton to him, until Rodolphus knocked him out with a chandelier and Macnair chased him around the house with a scythe, until Snape turned him into a frog. Draco was incredibly emo around Christmas and he was often seen lurking around with Snape in the basement (probably cutting each others wrists with knives). This continued on for the first few days, until the last day of holidays had arrived.

* * *

"Draco, you do know what you must do now?" asked Voldemort. He called for an important meeting for all Death Eaters to attend. They were listening closely to Draco and Voldemort. Draco nodded to Voldemort. "Although you possess a dark mark, you must give something back to the Death Eaters," said Voldemort. A number of the Death Eaters knew what was going to happen next, and several of them sniggered. Voldemort continued on with his speech. "Draco Abraxas Malfoy, I hereby give you the task, to…host a party for the Death Eaters!" exclaimed Voldemort. Draco had apparently not taken in Voldemort's sentence. He blinked… and then he glared.

"Uh, what in the hippogriff did you just say?" demanded Draco. Voldemort smiled at him.

"I said, that you must host a party for the Death Eaters, and don't make the cake carrot! I'm still washing out the flavor from Peter's cake," said Voldemort, while slightly grimacing. Draco continued to glare at Voldemort, until he marched out of the room furiously. The Death Eaters all started laughing once Draco was out of earshot.

"My lord, perhaps Draco should be given assistance in the preparations," said Snape. Voldemort managed to give Snape a small nod, while clutching his chest in hysterical laughter.

* * *

**ONE HOUR LATER (WOW! WIZARDS CAN REALLY MAKE A PARTY QUICKLY!)…**

The entire anger dome was hardly recognizable. The edges had been tainted black (due to the entire dome being made of glass) and grey, and the floor and ceiling were tainted green. Draco and Snape were just finishing the touches on the party cake. The cake was raised high above the floor, almost touching the ceiling. Voldemort stood in awe at the marvelous decorations. The floor was covered with a large rug with Voldemort's face patterned along it. The dome had a karaoke, a mini bar, a recreation room down in the basement and a cinema. Snape and Draco grinned at Voldy and the rest of the Death Eaters. They were apparently pleased with themselves.

"Draco Malfoy…THIS PARTY IS THE BEST ONE ANY DEATH EATER HAS EVER MADE!" cheered Voldemort. Draco grinned at him, and the party was started.

Rodolphus, Rabastan and Avery immediately went to the mini bar, and got themselves drunk after several bottles of Firewhisky. They were yelling highly inappropriate things about Bellatrix.

"That Bella, she's a what-cha-ma-call-it – a stupid wife!" laughed Rodolphus. Rabastan gave a loud roar of laughter.

"She's notta stupid, she's crazy and out of her mind!" chuckled Rabastan. They all gave another loud roar of hysterical laughter.

"You still not got the right words. She's a… loony ugly emo!" added Avery. They gave loud drunken roars of laughter, until they saw Bellatrix marching towards them. Rodolphus immediately walked up to her.

"Honey-bun! Do you want to go downstairs for a while?" asked Rodolphus, while hiccupping slightly. Bellatrix glared at him menacingly. Her hand raised in the air, before slapping Rodolphus on the cheek.

"YOU GET DRUNK AGAIN, I'M GETTING A DIVORCE!" shrieked Bellatrix.

* * *

Snape, Draco, Lucius and Voldemort were in the cinema, watching a Harry Potter marathon, before the Half-Blood Prince release. They were all drinking butterbeer, preferring not to drink the Muggle beverage known as 'Coke'. Voldemort was rather enthusiastic on watching his first movie.

"Severus, you say that _this _object shines an image onto that screen?" asked Voldemort. He was indicating an old projector which was situated behind their seats.

"Uh, we do have these things in the Wizarding World, my lord," replied Snape. Draco and Lucius silently sniggered at Voldemort. The screen was lit up with the street name 'Privet Drive'.

"AHA! SEVERUS, COPY THIS DOWN! WE CAN USE THIS INFORMATION TO APPREHEND POTTER!" exclaimed Voldemort. Snape sighed loudly, until he got out a piece of parchment and copied the street name down. Voldemort watched, as he saw Dumbledore appear through the misty forest. "I say Severus that man hardly looks like the old man at all!"

"SHUT UP, MY LORD! DON'T DISTRACT THOSE WHO ACTUALLY INTEND ON WATCHING THE FILM FOR ENJOYMENT!" screamed Lucius and Draco. Voldemort stuck his tongue out at them ("WHAT DID YOU DO?" yelled Lucius) before facing the screen again.

* * *

After several outbursts from Lucius and Draco later, the group was watching Quirrel unwrap his turban.

"HOLY SHIT! THAT'S YOUR HEAD MY LORD?" screamed Draco. Voldemort glared at him, until admiring the director's work.

"Yes, these _directors _certainly captured it right, however the nose is hardly snake-like at all!" complained Voldemort.

* * *

They reached the end of the film, and Snape prepared the second film for viewing. Voldemort decided to head out of the cinema to call for more Death Eaters to join them. "THE CINEMA IS NOW OPEN FOR THE SECOND FILM! ANY DEATH EATERS WHO WISH TO JOIN US, ENTER NOW!" bellowed Voldemort. A few Death Eaters entered into the cinema, while the others were having fun on the other activities. Voldemort headed back inside, and locked the doors with a padlock. Snape was already back in his seat, so Voldemort concluded that he had finished preparing the film. Jugson, Bellatrix and Mulciber had joined them, in the viewing. Bellatrix was highly displeased when she learnt that the movie was about Potter, but decided to watch, in order to make fun of the actor. They reached the part where Dobby is randomly and oddly jumping on Harry's bed.

"That's looks so fake," muttered Draco. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Dobby, sir. Dobby the house-elf," said the screen Dobby. Lucius immediately stood up in his seat.

"SHUT YOUR FRICKEN FREAKY VOICE, SERVANT!" ordered Lucius.

"Dad, sit down and he's not our servant anymore," said Draco. Lucius obeyed Draco (OMG! Has that ever happened before?).

* * *

**Several Minutes Later…**

The screen depicted Flourish and Blots ("IT DOESEN'T LOOK LIKE IT AT ALL!" gasped Draco). Screen Lucius whacked his cane on Screen Draco's shoulder.

"Woohoo! I'm a sexy beast!" exclaimed Lucius. Bellatrix and Snape smirked at him; Draco fainted; and Voldemort placed him under Crucio for a minute.

They soon arrived at Snape telling off Harry and Ron for flying a car. Real Snape was admiring his screen self. He was leaning forward in his seat, staring at his double with fascination.

"I'M SO FRICKEN AWESOME!" exclaimed Snape. Bellatrix got so immersed in the film, that she threw a bucket of popcorn at Snape's head.

"Silence, Severus! I'm watching Potter and Ginger get in trouble!" said Bellatrix. Snape sneered at her, before giving his undivided attention to the movie.

* * *

The end of the movie arrived, and much to Lucius's dismay, his screen self was owned by Dobby.

"_That, _did NOT HAPPEN!" screamed Lucius. Draco, Snape and Bellatrix rolled their eyes. Voldemort remained quite silent throughout the movie. Mulciber had apparently slept throughout the entire movie, and Snape was now repeatedly poking him with his wand.

"It's over, Mulciber! Wake up now!" muttered Snape. He jabbed his wand in Mulciber's shoulder, and he jerked awake.

"Whassa happen? Snape! Where am I?" asked a confused Mulciber. Snape smacked his hand on his forehead. He pulled Mulciber out of his chair, and led him outside.

The rest of the Death Eaters had collapsed in chairs, so intoxicated, that they had passed out. The Death Eaters in the cinema began performing Ennervate spells on everyone in the room. Bellatrix walked over to her husband, Rodolphus, and waved her wand over his head. Rodolphus was slowly stirring, and his eyes opened, to find her furious wife glaring at him.

"Hey baby! What happened? I think that I…" began Rodolphus. Bellatrix gave a roar of anger, before slapping Rodolphus across the face.

"YOU GET A HANGOVER AGAIN, AND I'LL PERSONALLY TRANSFIGURE YOU INTO SOMETHING UNPLEASANT!" shrieked Bellatrix.

* * *

**The End, of another chapter. Be ready for Bellatrix's exclusive chapter next time! And now… it's time for…A SKIT!**

**Snape: Me again? Why do you use me to make your readers review?**

**The Author: Do you wish for someone else to help you review?**

**Snape: That'll be fine.**

**(Draco immediately appears out of thin air)**

**Draco: Why am I here?**

**Snape: This author wishes of us to make his reviewers review.**

**Draco: Review?**

**The Author: Yes, Draco! And if you don't review, dracoLover will come and kiss you!**

**Draco: dracoLover?**

**(dracoLover pops out of thin air)**

**dracoLover: DRACO MALFOY!!!**

**(Draco turns bright pink)**

**Draco: REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Snape: That's the stuff Draco!**

**The Author: Yes indeed!**


	20. Chapter 20: Bellatrix's Takeover

**A/N: OMG! I SAW HALF-BLOOD PRINCE AND IT WAS AWESOME! BUT THERE'RE LIKE SOME MISSING STUFF IN IT! ANYWAYS, THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST SIRIUS (PUN INTENDED!) CHAPTER OF THE ENTIRE STORY. IT COULD EVEN COUNT AS ITS OWN STORY, BUT I MADE SURE THAT BELLATRIX WOULD HAVE HER MOMENT IN ONE CHAPTER! ENJOY!**

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series is infinitely not owned by me.

**She Who Must Not Be Insulted**

**And Her**

**Lovely Husband**

Chapter 20: Bellatrix's Takeover

It has indeed happened. The author of this story has been imprisoned by Bellatrix, and now, she controls the entire universe. "You bet I do!" laughed Bellatrix, as she stares into the reader's eyes. She was sitting in a magnificent throne, and Rodolphus was sitting beside her in an equally wonderful throne. She leered upon the other Death Eaters, who were surrounding her and kissing her feet. However, three Death Eaters were highly suspicious of this random turn of events.

* * *

Snape, Lucius and Draco were pondering on why Voldemort was kissing Bellatrix's feet, and not sending her to the Anger dome. They were also wondering why the gate outside Malfoy Manor read 'Lestrange Estate'. They were secretly plotting against Bellatrix's reign as supreme ruler of the universe, by hiding in the basement. The dimly lit room was covered with blueprints of the royal throne room. Snape was writing down notes on a piece of parchment, Draco was surfing on his _new _laptop which he stole from Rodolphus and Lucius was tapping parts of a blueprint with his wand. They all stopped doing their things, when Lucius suddenly stood up from his chair.

"I'm afraid that we have no choice," muttered Lucius. Snape and Draco gasped.

"Lucius, you don't mean –,"

"Yes, Severus. We have to join forces with them,"

* * *

**THE THREE BROOMSTICKS…**

"So, you want our help, do you?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there's no other option," said Draco. The man who had spoken before, took off his hood, and stared at Draco.

"Very well, I'll get Ron and Hermione to come in," whispered Harry. He got out of his seat, and walked out of the door. Draco sighed loudly. He raised his wand in the air, and a bright blue fire erupted from it. Two figures appeared from out of the shadows. They both lowered their hoods.

"Draco, have you done it?" asked Snape.

"Yeah, Potter's getting his friends now," replied Draco. Snape and Lucius nodded, before taking a seat. Harry arrived back with a grumpy Ron and a concerned Hermione. They both sat down opposite of the Death Eaters. Ron decided to speak up.

"Harry says that you want our help. Why in Merlin's sake would you talk to us? We're like your enemies!" exclaimed Ron. Hermione shushed him.

"I think that they have discovered something terribly important, Ron," explained Hermione. Lucius nodded in agreement.

"Yes, Granger. Bellatrix has taken over the entire Universe, and she has manipulated it to her own liking. Harry realized something was not quite right.

"Mr. Malfoy, if Bellatrix has made the entire Universe to her liking, then why aren't we affected?" asked Harry curiously. This time, Snape replied.

"Because we are aware of the changes Bellatrix is making. If we should tell anyone else, then they would know of the changes, and that's one less person to be at Bellatrix's control," said Snape. Ron remained puzzled, but Harry and Hermione understood.

"So, why have you come to us?" demanded Harry.

"You're just the beginning of this new rebellion. We need the Order to be aware of these changes as well. If they should know, then that would be enough to overthrow Bellatrix," said Draco.

"But what about Voldy? If he is under Bellatrix's control, then shouldn't he be able to stop us?" asked Harry. Everyone at the table flinched except for Harry and Snape.

"The Order should be able to make him come to his senses, Potter," said Snape. Harry and Snape glared at each other for a minute, until Ron decided to talk.

"How do we even know if the Universe is changing? I mean, where's the evidence?" asked Ron. Draco sneered at him, before aiming his wand at the entrance door. It flew right open, and the most hideous sight came to their eyes. Umbridge was standing in the doorway, with a black wig on her head.

"BELLATRIX FOR MINISTER!" she croaked. The door slammed shut once more, as Draco waved his wand. Ron suddenly turned green.

"I'm game!"

* * *

**GRIMMAULD PLACE**

"Snivellus, you claim that the bitch is altering the universe?" demanded Sirius. He was as healthy as ever (seeing as I made sure he didn't die in chapter 12!). He was glaring at Snape, who had apparated a few minutes ago with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco and Lucius. They were sitting in the dining room, with a number of the other Order members sitting around them. Sirius and Snape were sitting at the opposite ends of the table, sneering at each other with intense loathing. Harry stared nervously at both of them, unsure if he should let out angst inside of him or to do nothing at all. They both glared for several minutes, until Sirius came to a conclusion. "Fine, Snape! What do you want us to do?"

* * *

**THE GREAT HALL**

"Your attention please!" yelled Dumbledore. The entire hall remained silent, after a small babble of talk. Dumbledore continued. "Professor Snape, would like me to tell you all something drastically important," he announced. Snape gave him a small nod. "We are now at war, but not with Voldemort – we are at war, with his servant," said Dumbledore. The students looked at each other, confused on what Dumbledore meant. "Bellatrix Lestrange is who I am talking about. She has somehow, obtained powers of reality shifting, meaning that she can virtually do anything she wishes. However, you are all now immune to her powers, seeing as I have told you the truth. Due to these events, those students who are 16 or 17 years old may wish to sign up for a rebellion, in attempt to overthrow Bellatrix. The signup list may be found in your dormitories tonight, good night!" said Dumbledore.

* * *

Everyone left the hall quickly, determined to be the first on the list. The Gryffindors raced up to the tower, Hufflepuffs went down near the kitchens, Ravenclaws ran to the fifth floor and the Slytherins didn't bother to sign up at all. The members of the D.A. were usually the first on the signup sheet, and a number of the younger students tried to write their names, only for the ink to evaporate into thin air. Harry, Ron and Hermione were organizing the signups in Gryffindor house; Hannah and Ernie were responsible for Hufflepuff, Luna and Padma were doing the Ravenclaw ones and Draco and Pansy were examining the Slytherins. Virtually every single Gryffindor signed up, much to Hermione's enthusiasm, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had a similar amount, and Slytherin got a couple of people. Draco was extremely disappointed in his house.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE SLYTHERINS?" screamed Draco. Everyone in the green and gloomy common room stared at him.

"COME ON PEOPLE! WE ARE AMBITIOUS! WE WANT TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING! THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS FUN! WHO THE HELL DOESN'T WANNA FIGHT A CRAZY WITCH?" demanded Draco. Everyone in the room stared at each other, until they ran towards Draco and seized the piece of parchment out of his hands. Draco was trampled by the horde of sixth and seventh years. "Help!" moaned Draco. Pansy was pulling his arm madly, shrieking loudly.

"Drakie-poo! Don't worry! Pansy will help you!"

* * *

**THE BATTLE OF LESTRANGE ESTATE**

The lawn of Lestrange Estate was quiet as usual at 3 o'clock. Peacocks remained pecking at bushes, as they did in the original reality. The gates were shut… until now. An enormous pop, sounding like an explosion, erupted from outside the gates. Where a large field of grass was once, there was an army of wizards and witches alike. At the front of the crowd, were Dumbledore, Snape, Lucius, Harry, Draco, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Moody, Tonks, Lupin, Arthur and Molly. Behind them, were members of the Order of the Phoenix, Ministry wizards, foreign wizards, Hogwarts students and much more. They all raised their wands together, and pointed them towards the large gates blocking their way. In unison, they all cried 'REDUCTO!'. The gates were hit with every single jet ejected from their wands. The gates were blasted into microscopic pieces, and they all charged into the estate. The Death Eaters burst through the building's doors, with power given to them by Bellatrix's demands. Dumbledore had rehearsed the weakness of Bellatrix's powers with everyone. They all chanted together, "BELLATRIX IS CHANGING THE WORLD AND YOU'RE AFFECTED!"

The Death Eaters immediately looked puzzled on why they were outside, and the army ran straight pass them, and into the manor. A number of more Death Eaters were waiting for them in the enormous dining hall. Travers, Mulciber, Rabastan and Macnair were waiting for them.

"YOU SHALL NOT HARM MISTRESS BELLATRIX!" boomed Macnair. He fired an enormous jet, which resembled stupefy, but increased to giant proportions. Everyone at the front of the crowd yelled 'PROTEGO!'. The enormous spell rebounded back towards the Death Eaters, but they blocked it back with another 'PROTEGO!'. It seemed, that with each shield charm, the stupefy jet got even more powerful. Dumbledore suddenly decided to stop the pointless dueling.

"MACNAIR, YOU ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE AND CONTROL OF BELLATRIX, BECAUSE SHE IS USING REALITY SHIFTING POWERS!" bellowed Dumbledore. Macnair's jet froze in mid-air, and disappeared without a trace. He and the other Death Eaters had a sudden look of confusion on their faces. The army ran past them and up into the Anger Dome. Everyone had a look of anger on their faces, as they glared at the face that caused them so much trouble.

* * *

Bellatrix was sitting on her throne, grasping a long elegant staff. She was glaring upon the entire army.

"So, you have found a weakness in my power, have you?" said Bellatrix dangerously. She continued glaring at every member in the army. It wasn't until a minute later, when someone bravely tried to insult her.

"Oy, Bellatrix! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU BRUSH YOUR HAIR IN THE MORNING!" retorted Fred. Bellatrix gave a roar of anger.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE LUSCIOUS HAIR OF BELLATRIX LESTRANGE?" screamed Bellatrix. She grabbed her wand out of her robes and started waving it around madly. The frontline of the army was prepared. They all yelled 'PROTEGO!' in unison, and Bellatrix's spells were absorbed by the shield charms. She started turning bright red, until Dumbledore strode forward.

"Bellatrix, your actions are dangerous, and are not mere toys. Please stand aside, or I shall have to use force," said Dumbledore, eyeing Bellatrix with great contempt. Bellatrix leered at him.

"I don't think so Dumbledore! You see, I have finally accomplished my lifelong wish…TO GET HUGH LAURIE IN MY CONTROL!" she exclaimed. Coincidentally, the man himself was sitting right next to her. Hugh Laurie was in his House suit, complete with cane and Vicodin pills.

"So, what are the symptoms?" asked Laurie. Everyone in the dome gave confused looks.

"He's slightly mad, but I'll fix that soon," explained Bellatrix. Everyone was still puzzled.

"I'm gonna see Cuddy in her office. She says it's _important_," said Laurie. He got out of his throne, and limped out of the door. Bellatrix had a look of disappointment on her face.

"Fine! I'll release the author! Happy?" muttered Bellatrix. Dumbledore gave her a small smile.

"Excellent news, Bellatrix! Well good-bye now!" chuckled Dumbledore. He waved his wand in the air and the entire army disappeared.

* * *

Bellatrix gave a loud sigh, before walking over to a small cell, and unlocking the lock with a brass key. The man sitting inside jerked his head up at the sight of her.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS AGAINST ME!" the author bellowed.

"EEP!" screamed Bellatrix.

* * *

**The End, of Bellatrix's reign as Supreme Ruler of the Universe. As always, keep reviewing! It makes me happy and gives me the enthusiasm to update more! And to encourage your reviewing, here's a skit!**

**Bellatrix****: PLEASE! I BEG YOU NOT TO HARM ME!**

**The Author****: After what you've done Bellatrix, do you expect my reviewers and readers to not expect retribution? Perhaps, I should remove your obsession with Hugh Laurie?**

**Bellatrix****: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!**

**The Author****: Well, if you help Lucius review for my story, I might withdraw the order.**

**Bellatrix****: YES! I'll do it!**

**(Lucius pops out of thin air)**

**Lucius****: Bellatrix! What an… **_**unpleasant **_**surprise.**

**Bellatrix****: The author wants me to review.**

**Lucius****: Then let me take off my robes and show them my…**

**The Author****: LUCIUS ABRAXAS MALFOY! IF YOU MAKE THIS FICTION RATING GO ANY HIGHER, I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE DRACO AWAY FROM YOU!**

**Lucius: ****REVIEW PEOPLE! OTHERWISE THE AUTHOR WILL TAKE AWAY DRACO, AND WHO WILL YOU HAVE TO LOVE, IN THIS STORY!**


	21. Chapter 21: The Prisoner of AzkaThingy

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews on the Bellatrix chapter! It really makes me smile! This is one part of this chapter. The next one will be quite soon! Any parts from the movie will be in italics and normal Death Eater dialogue, normal. Without further ado, LET THE CHAPTER, BEGIN!**

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter, but sadly I don't!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked **

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 21: The Prisoner of Azka-thingy: Part I

**Malfoy Manor…**

"You say, that we should continue on with the movies?" asked Voldemort curiously. He was sitting in his usual seat in the dining room, with Snape, Lucius and Bellatrix sitting in surrounding chairs. Snape was holding _Prisoner of Azkaban_, Lucius was holding _Goblet of Fire_ and Bellatrix was holding _Order of the Phoenix_. Snape was staring at Voldemort hopefully.

"My lord, if we should continue watching these films, we could have an advantage against Potter!" exclaimed Snape. Voldemort started thinking about Snape's reason. Finally, he came to a conclusion.

"Very well. Snape prepare the theatre; Lucius get the refreshments; and Bellatrix… you can clear out the trash when we're done!"

* * *

**The Anger/Relaxation Dome Theatre…**

"DOLOHOV! IF I SEE YOU DO THAT THING _ONE _MORE TIME, I WILL PERSONALLY GET GREYBACK TO BITE YOU!" screamed Voldemort. He was shouting at Dolohov, who was kissing Alecto Carrow passionately from underneath a chair. He slowly ceased his romance, and grudgingly got back into his seat. It was the Anger/Relaxation dome theatre, and Snape had gladly volunteered to be PROJECTOR MAN! The Death Eaters were sitting in comfy red armchairs, which were equipped with drink holders. Snape, Bellatrix, Lucius, Rodolphus, Rabastan and Voldemort were sitting in the front row, Yaxley, Macnair, Mulciber, Avery, Dolohov and Jugson were sitting in the second row, Goyle, Crabbe, Peter, Nott, Alecto and Amycus were sitting in the third row and Rowle, Selwyn, Greyback, Travers, Rookwood and Gibbon were sitting in the back row.

"Excuse me, my lord! I can't see the screen with your tall magnificent body in the way!" complained Jugson. Voldemort turned around and glared at him.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY JUGSON? CRUCIO!" yelled Voldemort. Jugson screamed in pain, until Voldemort lifted the curse. "Now, does anyone else have anything to complain about?" whispered Voldemort dangerously. Everyone in the room shook their heads anxiously. Voldemort sat down in his seat once more.

After several minutes of random tapping of a projector machine, Snape had finally turned on _Prisoner of Azkaban_. Everyone in the theatre, dimmed the light from their wands, and watched the movie with excitement.

* * *

**HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN…**

_The screen was pitch black, except for the metallic Warner Brothers logo being zoomed through. A perfectly normal looking house came into view, with only a light inside a top window repeatedly turning on and off. _

"_Lumos Maxima!" said Screen Harry._

"You know, I think that Potty's doing underage magic!" remarked Alecto.

"These film people probably forgot the details and put that in for more excitement," explained Avery. _The lock on the door of Harry's bedroom began rattling, and Harry immediately pretended to go to sleep. Uncle Vernon opens the door, and peers suspiciously around the room. The door closed shut, as Uncle Vernon retreated. _

"Who was that man?" asked Rookwood.

"I believe, that he is Potter's relative," said Snape. _Harry keeps on trying the Lumos Maxima spell, and finally, the spell emits an enormous burst of light. The screen zooms back outside the Dursleys' home and the words 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' appear moving on the screen. _

"That's rather flashy!" commented Dolohov.

"SILENCE! WE ARE STILL WATCHING THE FILM!" boomed Voldemort. _The screen was now pitch black, and a doorbell rang somewhere in the distance._

"_Harry, HARRY! Open the door!" yelled Aunt Petunia. The screen now had a large women walk through a doorway, and a bulldog run towards the living room. _

"My goodness! These Muggles are certainly rude, aren't they?" laughed Nott.

"Shut up, Nott! This movie is rather interesting!" hissed Bellatrix. _Uncle Vernon also passes through the front door. _

"_Uncle Vernon, I need you to sign this form," said Harry. Uncle Vernon apparently ignores Harry._

"_What is it?" asked Uncle Vernon._

"_Nothing, School stuff," replied Harry. _

"_Later perhaps, if you behave," muttered Vernon._

"HA! Take that Potter! You can't go to Hogsmeade now!" exclaimed Snape.

"Severus, remember that deal a few hours ago?" asked Voldemort. Snape turned a nasty shade of green.

"I'll be good," whimpered Snape. _The scene was now at dinnertime, where Aunt Marge is insulting Harry's mum and dad. _

"_You mustn't be blamed on how this one's turned out Vernon. It's all to do with blood, bad blood will out. What was it that the boy's father did Petunia?" asked Marge._

"_Nothing – he didn't work – he was unemployed," replied Petunia hastily. _

"_What a drunk too, no doubt?" added Marge. _

"_That's a lie," said Harry. Marge stares at him, surprised at his answer._

"_What did you say?"_

"_My dad wasn't a drunk!" said Harry forcefully. The wine glass in Marge's hand exploded suddenly. _

"POTTER! YOU DO NOT EXPLODE WINE GLASSES RANDOMLY WITHOUT PERMISSION!" roared Lucius.

"Dad! What are you doing here?" asked Draco. He had just stumbled into the theatre with a bag of popcorn in his hands.

"Draco, we're watching a film about Potter's life. Care to join us?"

"Sure, why not?" said Draco. Snape conjured a seat out of thin air and Draco took a seat. _Marge told Petunia not to worry about the glass and Vernon glared at Harry, as though knowing it was his doing._

"_I think it's time you went to bed!" suggested Vernon. Marge stopped him._

"_No Vernon. You, clean it up!" ordered_ _Marge. Harry strode over to Marge with a tablecloth in his hands._

"_Actually, it's nothing to do with the father; it's all to do with the mother. You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, then there's something wrong with the pup," explained Marge. Harry threw the tablecloth down on the floor._

"_SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" roared Harry. Marge turned around and smiled at Harry._

"_Now, let me tell you –," began Marge. Her sentence was stopped by her finger and her entire body inflating. _

"Ah, it looks like a simple Inflation Charm," said Travers.

"But it seems that Potter's anger has made it spun out of control," added Mulciber. _Marge started to slowly rise out of her seat and her shirt buttons popped, hitting Dudley in the face. The clock bird making cuckoo sounds made the entire scene rather bizarre and hilarious at the same time. Aunt Marge slowly bounced outside of the dining room, and into the backyard. Uncle Vernon tried to shake Ripper of his leg and he managed to do so. He ran outside to stop Marge from escaping. He grasped on Marge's legs and Ripper came back to bite his leg once more. _

"_I've got you Marge! I've got you!" yelled Vernon, as he hanged onto Marge's leg. They, Vernon and Ripper, were slowly rising into the air. Vernon panicked, and he stared at Marge, face to face._

"_Don't you dare!" warned Marge._

"_Sorry!" apologized Vernon, as he collapsed onto the grass. Marge screamed with fright, as she rose higher and higher. Petunia helped Vernon to his feet._

"_MARGE!" screamed Vernon. But it was no use. Marge was already gone from sight. _

"You know, that was a pretty good scene! Maybe we should duplicate it – like threatening wizards and witches to join us, or we sill use the Inflation Charm on them!" suggested Peter. There was a dead silence throughout the theatre.

"No_. _Who needs Inflation Charms, when you can have Avada Kedavra?" muttered Lucius. Peter sank in his seat, depressed on always being wrong.

_Harry was now thumping down the stairs with his trunk. Uncle Vernon screamed with anger. _

"_YOU BRING HER BACK! YOU BRING HER BACK NOW AND YOU PUT HER RIGHT!" bellowed Vernon. _

"_No, she deserved what she got!" yelled Harry. Uncle Vernon screamed with frustration, but Harry pointed his wand at him. "Keep away from me!" said Harry dangerously. Uncle Vernon backed away slowly. _

"_You're not allowed to magic outside school!" spluttered Vernon. Harry grinned at him._

"_Yeah? Try me!" _

"_That won't let you back in now! You have no where to go!" stated Vernon. _

"_I don't care. Anywhere's better than here,"_

"Potter is a mad rebel," commented Draco.

"I bet that he's on drugs!" exclaimed Bellatrix. Rodolphus raised his eyebrows at her.

"Speaking of drugs, have you stopped taking Vicodin yet?" remarked Rodolphus. Bellatrix glared at her husband, before continuing on with the viewing of the movie.

* * *

In order to progress the chapter, this author has decided to gloss over the more interesting parts of the movie. _The scene was at the Leaky Cauldron, and Ron and Hermione were arguing about Crookshanks and Scabbers._

"_I'm warning you Hermione, keep that bloody cat away from Scabbers, or I'll turn it into a tea-cosy!" yelled Ron. _

"_That's rich, coming from the owner of that manky old shoe-brush!" retorted Hermione._

"HEY! I take offense being called a manky old shoe-brush!" complained Peter.

"Well, you are sort of a shoe-brushy kind of rat," muttered Jugson.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" demanded Peter. Jugson ignored him and turned back around in his seat. _Ron noticed Harry coming down the stairs._

"_Harry!" exclaimed Ron. Hermione turned around to face Harry as well._

"_Harry!" exclaimed Hermione. _

"Now what was the point of that line?" said Snape angrily.

"It was meant to be amusing, Snape," replied Yaxley. Snape gave a nod in understanding, before taking a sip from his butterbeer.

* * *

_The scene was now at the Hogwarts Express, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in a compartment with Professor Lupin._

"_So let me get this straight, Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban to come after __**you**__?" asked Ron._

"_Yeah," muttered Harry. Ron looked shocked and scared._

"_But they'll catch Black won't they? I mean, everybody's looking for him," said Hermione anxiously. _

"I don't think so Granger. Black has evaded our capture as well as the Ministry's, so it is very likely that he will continue to do so for the rest of his life," said an amused Lucius.

"HOW DARE YOU POINT OUT OUR MISTAKES!" screamed Voldemort. He pointed his wand at Lucius, and placed him under Cruciatus for a few minutes. _The scene now arrived at the Dementor entering the compartment_. Several Death Eaters were covering their eyes in fright.

"It's scary! Much more than in real life!" shrieked Alecto. Snape, Lucius, Bellatrix, Draco and Voldemort rolled their eyes at her.

"Oh please! It's like a midget compared to the real ones!" laughed Snape. They continued cowering in fright of the Dementor.

* * *

_They now arrived at the Divination Lesson, and Trelawny was introducing herself to the class. _

"_Welcome my children. In this room, you shall explore the noble art of Divination. In this room, you shall discover if you possess the Sight! Hello, I am Professor Trelawney. Together, we shall cast ourselves into the__ future! This term, we shall be focusing on Tasseomancy which is the art of reading tea leaves, so please take cup of the person sitting opposite you!" said Trelawny awkwardly._ The Death Eaters gave loud snorts at her proclamation.

"What a load of rubbish!" scoffed Rabastan.

"_The truth lies buried like a sentence deep within a book, waiting to be read. But first you must broaden your minds! First, you must look…BEYOND!" exclaimed Trelawny. She spun around impressively with one hand raised up like a sign of liberty. _

"_What a load of rubbish!" scoffed Hermione, who had mysteriously, or as you already know, used the Time-Turner to appear on time. _

"Wow! You really can do Divination!" exclaimed Voldemort. He was staring at Rabastan with an impressed look on his face. Rabastan was rather surprised to be admired so much.

"Yes, well the noble art of Divination really lies within my family! You see, my great uncle, Wilbur Lestrange, married Cassandra Trelawny, who is the grandmother or something of this Professor Trelawny. Therefore, the Inner Eye really does lie deep within me!" proclaimed Rabastan. Everyone in the room clapped in applause of Rabastan. Rodolphus on the other hand, remained rather sulky.

"If you possess Divination skills, then shouldn't I have them too?" demanded Rodolphus. Rabastan grinned at him.

"No, because Wilbur Lestrange was a second cousin of some Trelawny Family relative, and I'm a second cousin of Uncle Wilbur, so therefore, only I possess the Inner Eye," explained Rabastan. Rodolphus looked utterly bewildered, until he had a rather alarming look on his face.

"BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I'M YOUR BROTHER!" screamed Rodolphus. He got up from his seat, and stormed out of the theatre.

* * *

So much of the movie had passed since the praise for Rabastan, and now the movie was already half-way through. _Lupin was teaching Harry the Patronus Charm and he was back on his feet after the first attempt at the charm._

"_That's one nasty Dementor," admitted Harry. _The entire theatre cowered in fright at the spoken word.

"_Oh no, no, no. That was a boggart, Harry. A boggart. The real thing would be worse, much, much worse. As a matter of interest, what were you thinking? Which memory did you choose?" asked Lupin, as he lit the candles again with his hands. _

"_The first time I rode a broom," answered Harry. Lupin looked slightly disappointed. _

"_Well that's not good enough, not __**nearly **__good enough," said Lupin._

"_There's another. It's not happy, exactly. Well, it is. It's the happiest I've ever felt – but it's complicated," stated Harry. He was touching a lit candle with his fingers while staring into the dancing flame. _

"_Is it strong?" asked Lupin. Harry nodded and turned back to face Lupin.  
"Well then let's give it a try. Are you ready?" asked Lupin once more. Harry aimed his wand at the black trunk._

"_Just do it," muttered Harry. Lupin waved his hands over the locks, and he opened the black trunk, revealing a terrible black figure. _Some of the Death Eaters screamed with terror.  
"SILENCE!" bellowed Voldemort. _The sunlight pierced the room, and the cold mist surrounded the Dementor, as it hovered closer to Harry. _

"_Expecto Patronum!" yelled Harry. The spell revealed no effect. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" roared Harry. The spell apparently had no effect again. Then suddenly, a silver shadow erupted from Harry's wand, protecting himself from the Dementor. No matter what the Dementor tried to do, it could not penetrate the beautiful shield from Harry's wand. _Several Death Eaters were crying with happiness, even Voldemort was struggling to fight back tears.

"Oh my!" cried Voldemort. Snape raised his eyebrows at him.

"I thought you couldn't love, my lord?" asked Snape. Voldemort glared at him, before wiping the tears away.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Severus! These are crocodile tears! They have no emotion in them!" said an exasperated Voldemort. Snape nodded, and turned back to face the screen. _Harry was now sitting with Lupin on the steps. _

"_I think you'd given your father a run for his money. And that, is saying something," exclaimed Lupin. _

"_I was thinking of him. And mum. Seeing their faces. They were talking to me. Just talking. That's the memory I chose. I don't even know if it's real. But it's the best I've have," said Harry. _Snape was crying at the thought of Lily. Voldemort unfortunately noticed him crying.

"Snape, I thought you were devoid of human emotions?" laughed Voldemort. Snape ceased his sobbing.

"These are crocodile tears, my lord," retorted Snape. Voldemort let out a loud cackle.

"Touché!"

* * *

_The movie went smoothly along without any further interruptions. It wasn't until the Shrieking Shack scene, when conversations __**really **__began to grow mad. _

"_Ron! Ron, you're okay!" cried Hermione. Ron was pointing at something else._

"_The dog, where is it?" demanded Harry. _

"_Harry, its trap! He's the dog, he's an Animagus!" yelled Ron, as he pointed at the door. The door creaked open, and Sirius Black was standing behind it. _

"OH MY GOD! IT'S SIRIUS BLACK, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed Mulciber, as he ran out of the theatre. The door slammed shut after him, and the Death Eaters kept on sipping their butterbeers. _Hermione ran in front of Harry to protect him._

"_If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us too!" cried Hermione. Sirius kept standing still._

"_No, only one will die tonight," whispered Sirius. _

"_THEN IT'LL BE YOU!" roared Harry. He ran towards Sirius, grabbed his neck and pushed him onto the floor. Harry's wand was raised at Sirius's face. _

"_Are you going to kill me Harry?" said Sirius, while grinning at him, showing yellow rotten teeth. The doors burst open once more, and Lupin was rushing into the room.  
"Expelliarmus!" yelled Lupin. Harry's wand flew out of his hand. Lupin nudged his head to the right, telling Harry to move away from Sirius. Wand still raised, Lupin edged closer to Sirius. "Well, well, Sirius. Looking rather ragged, aren't we? Finally the flesh reflects the madness within," stated Lupin. Sirius remained gleeful. _

"_Well you'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you, Remus?" chuckled Sirius. Lupin smiled back at him, and offered a hand to Sirius. He took it, and Remus pulled him in, to a brother's embrace. _

"_I found him!" sobbed Sirius._

"_I know," reassured Lupin._

"_It's him!"_

"_I understand,"_

"_Let's kill him!" exclaimed Sirius._

"_NO! I trusted you! And all this time, you've been __**his **__friend!" cried Hermione. Hermione pointed a finger at Lupin._

"_He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes!" accused Hermione. Lupin stopped hugging Sirius. _

"_How long have you known?" asked Lupin._

"_Since Professor Snape set the essay," answered Hermione. _Real Snape was rather smug.

"What can I say? The girl's smart!" said Snape impressively.

"_Well Hermione, you really are brightest witch of your age I've ever met!" complimented Lupin._

"SEE! Even Lupin agrees with me, and I hate him!" exclaimed Snape.

"_ENOUGH TALK, REMUS! COME ON, LET'S KILL HIM!" complained Sirius. _

"_Wait!" ordered Lupin._

"_I'VE DID MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! IN AZKABAN!" screamed Sirius. There was an awkward silence, until Lupin handed back his wand._

"_Very well, kill him, but wait __**one more minute, **__Harry has the right to know why!" _

"_I know why. You betrayed my parents. You're the reason they're dead!" accused Harry. _

Peter was fidgeting in his seat slightly. This act was not unnoticed by the other Death Eaters.

"Wormtail, would you like to say something?" asked Bellatrix sweetly. Peter flinched at his nickname, before throwing his mug of butterbeer in the air, and running out of the theatre.

"_No Harry, it wasn't him, but somebody did betray your parents, but it was someone until quite recently, I believed to be __**dead**__!" said Lupin._

"_WHO WAS IT THEN!" demanded Harry. This time, Sirius answered him._

"_Peter Pettigrew! He's in this room, right now! Come out, come out Peter! Come out, come out and play!" laughed Sirius. Then suddenly, Snape swept into the room, pointed his wand at Sirius and yelled 'Expelliarmus!'_

_

* * *

  
_

**UNHOLY, SINISTER, EVIL, DIABOLICAL, INFURIATING, UNNECESSARY, CLIFF HANGER! TO KEEP THE REVIEWS COMING IN, HERE'S A SKIT INVOLVING TWO **_**VERY **_**IMPORTANT PEOPLE!**

**Harry: Where am I?**

**The Author: You are in the Room of Requirement, Harry.**

**Harry: Where's Ron and Hermione. **

**The Author: Somewhere, but let's get back to the subject. You are here to perform a skit with someone you know very well.**

**Harry: (hopefully) Ginny?**

**The Author: I'm afraid not, but it is someone from Hogwarts.**

**Harry: Please don't tell me…**

**(Snape appears out of thin air)**

**Harry: …that it's Snape.**

**Snape: POTTER! A WEEK'S WORTH OF DETENTIONS!**

**Harry: WHAT FOR?  
Snape: FOR HAVING UNACCEPTABLE HAIR IN THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE MOVIE!**

**Harry: At least my hair doesn't look like its been drenched in grease.**

**Snape: WHAT DID YOU SAY?**

**The Author: Now, Severus! Remember what happened last time?  
(Snape turns a bright shade of green)**

**Snape: REVIEW PEOPLE! OTHERWISE I WILL HAVE TO WEAR A TUTU, AND…**

**The Author: That's **_**quite **_**enough information!**


	22. Chapter 22: The Deathly Musical

**A/N: I apologize for the long update. I've been feeling a bit bored lately, so here's a chapter to bridge apart the Prisoner of Azkaban chapters. **

Disclaimer: There is no connection between me and Harry Potter; as well as Gloria Gaynor, Kings of Leon, Britney Spears or the Pussycat Dolls.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 22: The Deathly Musical

"Attention everyone!" called Voldemort. He was standing on top of the dining room table, with his wand waving around in a sweeping motion. Chairs began moving around so that they all faced him. Death Eaters sitting in the chairs gave loud shrieks of shock when they noticed that their chairs were hovering slightly in the air. Soon, all the chairs, and toilet seats were hovering in the dining room. Voldemort placed his wand back into his robes, and coughed loudly. "My faithful Death Eaters, it is about time, we begin planning our second theatrical act," addressed Voldemort. The Death Eaters gave loud groans of disappointment. Voldemort glared at all of them. "But that does NOT mean that you can express your true feelings for this performance!" roared Voldemort. The groaning immediately ceased. "So, are there any suggestions on what we should do?" asked Voldemort. Bellatrix raised her hand in the air.

"My lord, how about we do a play based on Romeo and Juliet?" asked Bellatrix.

"Tempting, yet the studio shall not pay for the death scene. Any others?" said Voldemort. Lucius raised his hand.

"We could do a performance based on the most wonderful and handsome Death Eater in the world?" suggested Lucius. Voldemort quickly did a little Legilimency, and he deduced that Lucius was talking about himself.

"HELL NO!" yelled Voldemort. Lucius cried loudly, and got out of his toilet seat (yes, that is a bad mental image!) and ran out of the room. Voldemort ignored this random turn of events. "Any _other _non-self-centered ideas?" sighed Voldemort. Snape immediately got out of his armchair, and walked over to He Who Asked the Death Eaters for Ideas for a Production, and whispered something in his ear. Voldemort slowly grinned at him, before looking back at the other Death Eaters.

"My lord, are you alright?" asked Travers. Voldemort gave him a smile.  
"Yes, Travers. THIS YEAR, THE DEATH EATERS SHALL PEFORM A…MUSICAL!"

* * *

The Death Eaters were back in the auditorium that was featured in chapters 1,2 and 3. They had invited most of the Wizarding Community to watch their performance and members of the Order of the Phoenix were interested to see what they have cooked up. The auditorium was completely full and the only source of light was from one single spotlight on the stage. In the front row, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Tonks, Remus and McGonagall were sitting in their comfy red armchairs.

"I do hope they don't plan on killing me afterwards," said Harry, shuddering slightly at the thought. Ginny placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You'd think that the Death Eaters would have someone else better to torture, control or kill; wouldn't you?" remarked Ginny. Everyone laughed at her little joke.

"Don't be too lenient on the jokes, Ginny. You do realize that most of the Death Eaters are right behind those curtains, and that it is likely that they can hear you?" asked Lupin. Ginny started sulking in her chair.

"Party pooper," muttered Ginny. Tonks gave her an alarming glare.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM?" demanded Tonks. Ginny gave her a trademark Mrs. Weasley glare, which surprisingly made Tonks recoil. Ron and Hermione were silently trying to stifle their laughs.

"Mr. Weasley! If you do not control Miss. Granger and yourself, it will be a weeks worth of detentions," warned McGonagall. Ron turned red, which gave him a look as though his head was on fire (I borrowed that from Chamber of Secrets!).

* * *

Behind them, were Dumbledore, Snape, Mad-Eye, Kingsley, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Sirius.

"Severus, didn't Voldemort wish for you to perform?" asked Dumbledore. Snape flinched at the sound of He Who Now Performs in a Musical's name.

"No, Headmaster. The dark lord believes that I must be seen with you, in order to cover my true loyalties," explained Snape.

"That doesn't mean I don't trust you Snivellus," sniggered Sirius. Snape glared at him.

"For your information, at least I'm not stuck in my own mother's house," said Snape coldly. Sirius's swagger faded. Dumbledore was apparently enjoying the conflict between the two of them. Mad-Eye was rather anxious to be in the auditorium.

"Kingsley, at the first sign of possible danger, send jinxes flying at the Death Eaters. Okay?" growled Moody. Kingsley rolled his eyes at him.

"Whatever you say," muttered Kingsley. Mr. Weasley was in deep conversation with Mrs. Weasley.

"Molly, we shouldn't have brought Ron and Ginny here. It's way too dangerous!" exclaimed Arthur.

"But they always wanted some hands-on experience, Arthur. Shouldn't this be one time where we don't argue?"

"They got some hands-on experience in the Ministry last year!" complained Arthur.

* * *

Suddenly, the spotlight disappeared, and a great gush of smoke appeared on the stage. A loud drum roll sounded throughout the room, and the spotlight appeared once more. This time, Lucius was standing in the light. He was wearing a posh black and white suit, with his snake cane in his left hand. He opened his mouth, and began to sing.

_What happened to the lord?_

_What happened to the hell?_

_What happened to the flying Ford?_

_What are we trying to sell?_

_If you guess we'll kill,_

_But wait until,_

_You finally look at yourself,_

_And see the man himself!_

_Cos…EVERYBODY IS A MAN!_

_IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY!_

_SO GET OUT OF THAT CAN,_

_AND BE A NEW MAN!_

The singing was horrible to behold, but fortunately, the audience brought earmuffs to deaden the sound of Lucius singing, or shrieking. His solo was thankfully over, but more singing followed.

* * *

The stage dimmed, as Bellatrix and Alecto stepped onto the stage. They were wearing old 18th century dresses, which looked ridiculously frilly. They then, began singing.

_First we were afraid,_

_Mudbloods got petrified!_

_Kept thinking we could never live,_

_Without him by our side._

_But we spent oh so many nights,_

_Thinking how we did him wrong._

_Then we got strong,_

_And we learnt how to get along,_

_And so you're back,_

_From down the grave!_

_I just walked in to find you here,_

_That the others had to save._

_I should have changed my stupid ways,_

_I should have made you get a life,_

_If I had known for just one second,_

_You would always give me strife!_

_Go on now go,_

_Walk out the door._

_Just turn around now,_

_Cos, you're walking on the floor!_

_Weren't you the one who tried to hurt us with goodbye,_

_you think we'd crumble,_

_you think we'd lay down and die._

_Oh no, not us,_

_We will survive!_

_As long as we know how to hate,_

_We know we will live our fate._

_We've got all our life to live,_

_We've got all our hate to give,_

_and we'll survive._

_We will survive!_

_HEY, HEY! _

Compared to Lucius's solo, this duet was rather catchy. Even Sirius managed to pay attention closely. Harry was bored to death on the other hand.

"Oh come on! A cheap rip-off of a classic Muggle song! That's low," remarked Harry. Hermione smacked him on the head with _Advanced Transfiguration_.

* * *

The end of their duet, the entire audience gave them a loud round of applause, before they strode off the stage, and Rodolphus, Rabastan, Jugson and Avery appeared; complete with drums, bass guitar, electric guitar and microphone. They were about to perform a rock song.

_We've been roaming around,_

_Always looking down at all we see._

_Bloody faces fill the places we can reach._

_You know that we could use somebody;_

_you know that we could use somebody._

_Someone like him,_

_and all you know and how you speak,_

_Countless Mudbloods undercover of the street._

_You know that we could use somebody;_

_you know that we could use somebody._

_Someone like him!_

_  
__Off in the night while you live it up we're off to sleep._

_Waging wars to shake the Aurors and the beat._

_We hope it's gonna make you notice,_

_We hope it's gonna make you notice._

_Someone like him!_

_Someone like him!_

_SOMEONE LIKE HIM!_

_

* * *

  
_

More clapping occurred and the entire audience was on their feet, cheering loudly. The Death Eaters bowed, before stepping off the stage. In their place, stood Bellatrix once more. She was singing a solo on her own.

_Its Bella bitch!_

_I see you._

_And I just wanna dance for you!_

_Every time they turn the lights down,_

_Just wanna go that extra mile for you._

_Public display of affection._

_Feel's like no one else in the room._

_We can get down like there's no one around._

_We keep on rockin',_

_we keep on rockin'._

_Cameras are flashing while I'm dirty dancing,_

_They keep watchin'._

_Keep watchin._

_Feels like the crowd is saying…_

_Gimme, gimme more;_

_Gimme more!_

_Gimme, gimme more;_

_gimme, gimme more!_

_Gimme!_

_Gimme, gimme more;_

_gimme, gimme more!_

_Gimme more!_

_Gimme, gimme more;_

_gimme, gimme more!_

_Gimme!_

_Gimme; gimme more!_

The audience gasped every time Bellatrix danced dirtily. Once she showed them her (this part is omitted for those not yet scarred), the entire audience was shaking with shock. Mad-Eye aimed a curse in retaliation for the dirty act Bellatrix had committed.

* * *

After several jinxes and curses later, it was time for Voldemort's awaited song. He was standing in the centre of the stage, with Bellatrix, Lucius, Rodolphus and Rabastan as back-up singers. Voldemort was (gasp!), wearing a skimpy outfit that should never be worn by anyone else, except the Pussycat Dolls. Coincidentally, they were singing a song by the PCD. Voldemort was shockingly wearing a wig that horribly made him look like a partially deformed Inferi. The lights behind him, made the title: The Death Eater Entourage. Voldemort raised his microphone to his mouth, and began singing…

_I know you hate me,_

_I know you do__._

_That's why whenever I come around,_

_She's all over you._

_And I know you hate it._

_It's easy to see._

_And in the back of your mind,_

_I know you should be killing me._

_Don't cha wish your master was bad like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was a freak like me?_

_Don't cha, don't cha?_

_Don't cha wish your master was wrong like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was weird like me?_

_Don't cha, don't cha?_

_

* * *

  
_

Several audience members threw up in their laps, and Tonks, Mrs. Weasley and McGonagall ran out of the auditorium in disgust. Harry gawped at his arch-nemesis in shock, Ron cowered in fright, Hermione fainted of shock, Ginny was crying, Lupin was shaking his head in disappointment, Dumbledore was humming the tune to himself, Snape was banging his head repeatedly on the chair in front of him, Moody tried to cast a memory charm on himself, Kingsley blinked (too many times to mention), Arthur tried to hide himself by hiding under his seat and Sirius tried to kill himself with Avada Kedavra, only to realize he was using Fred & George's fake wands. Lucius began dancing…colorfully on a pole, Bellatrix started blowing kisses at the audience, Rodolphus and Rabastan started smoking and not paying attention to the dance routine. Voldemort then started singing the second part.

_Fight the feeling._

_Leave it alone._

_'Cause if it ain't love, it just is enough,_

_to leave a lonely home._

_Let's keep it crazy._

_You have to play bad._

_See, I don't care,_

_But I know they ain't gon' wanna share._

_Don't cha wish your master was bad like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was a freak like me?_

_Don't cha, don't cha?_

_Don't cha wish your master was wrong like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was weird like me?_

_Don't cha, don't cha?_

_

* * *

  
_

This time, more people left the auditorium. Mad-Eye ran out of the room with Arthur and Lupin. Harry stared at Voldemort dumbfounded, Ron started weeping on the floor loudly, Hermione fainted _again_, Ginny ran over to Harry who comforted her, Dumbledore started taking lemon drops out of his robe pockets, Snape started sporting a blood nose, Kingsley started having seizures and Sirius started whacking a rubber chicken repeatedly on his head. The Death Eaters took off their robes, to reveal equally horrendous outfits to their master's. They started synchronizing dancing, until Voldemort strode right at the edge of the stage, and began the third part.

_I know I'm on your mind,_

_I know we'll have a crap time._

_I'm your enemy,_

_I'm bad,_

_and I'm slime._

_I am lying._

_Look at me, you ain't blind._

_See, I know you hate me. (I know you hate me)_

_I understand (I understand)_

_I'd probably be just as mad about you,_

_If you were my servant._

_Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime),_

_possibly (possibly),_

_until then, oh foe your secret is unsafe with me._

_Don't cha wish your master was bad like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was a freak like me?_

_Don't cha, don't cha?_

_Don't cha wish your master was wrong like me?_

_Don't cha wish your master was weird like me?_

_DON'T CHA, DON'T CHA?_

_

* * *

  
_

The song ended with a spectacular explosion of smoke, lightning, fire, sparks and other unnecessary scene enhancement objects. The audience remained stunned in their seats as Voldemort and the Death Eaters gave them a bow.

"Thank you very much! Or as the French say, _Merci Beaucoup_!" thanked Voldemort. A cricket chirped somewhere in the distance. After several minutes of silence, the audience began clapping reluctantly. Voldemort smiled at them all, before grabbing their attention once more. "Now, our next performance is in half an hour, and you are most welcome to…" began Voldemort. He didn't finish his sentence, due to the horde of people reaching for the exits. Within seconds, the entire auditorium was empty, except for Wormtail picking up the rubbish, Voldemort and the other Death Eaters. "– stay for it," finished Voldemort. He stared malevolently at everyone in the auditorium; from Lucius, Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Rabastan, to Peter at the very back of the room. At first, the Death Eaters thought He Who Sings Incredibly Shrilly was having a stroke, until he blinked and shook his head.

"Are you all right, my lord?" asked Lucius. Voldemort stared at him.

"Yes, Lucius. MINIONS! WE SHALL NEXT PEFORM… A BALLET DANCE!" announced Voldemort. And so the hell is unleashed.

* * *

**The End… of this bizarre chapter. And now, following He Who Must Not Be Poked and the Dream Eaters' tradition… a skit!**

**Draco: I didn't appear in this chapter.**

**The Author: Yes, I'm very sorry indeed Draco.**

**Draco: Why on earth am I suddenly unimportant?**

**The Author: Unimportant? Perhaps you ought to look at the next chapter's draft?**

**(The Author gives Draco a tattered manuscript of Chapter 23)**

**Draco: …**

**The Author: Well?**

**Draco: I really get to…**

**The Author: Yes.**

**Draco: And they also…**

**The Author: Yep.**

**Draco: And that's how…**

**The Author: It ends.**

**Draco: I LOVE YOU!**

**(Advances upon the Author, who tries desperately to shake Draco off)**

**The Author: Save that for DracoLover!**

**

* * *

Review!**


	23. Chapter 23: Chapter PSCPGOHD

**A/N: Same as last time, the movie will be in italics and the normal Death Eater dialogue is normal. Enjoy!**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is definitely owned by J.K. Rowling; and not me.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 23: The Goblet made for a Prisoner, who handed it to a Philosopher/ Sorcerer, who lost it to a Half-Blood Prince, who placed it within a Chamber which also contained Orders for Deathly Hallows. Or, if you wish to call it, the Chapter P/S.C.P.G.O.H.D

**Previously…**

"_No Harry, it wasn't him, but somebody did betray your parents, but it was someone until quite recently, I believed to be __**dead**__!" said Lupin._

"_WHO WAS IT THEN!" demanded Harry. This time, Sirius answered him._

"_Peter Pettigrew! He's in this room, right now! Come out, come out Peter! Come out, come out and play!" laughed Sirius. Then suddenly, Snape swept into the room, pointed his wand at Sirius and yelled 'Expelliarmus!'_

_

* * *

  
_

**Before chapter 22…**

The screen in the cinema turned blank immediately, and the lights came back on. The Death Eaters stood up in their seats in surprise. A bunch of spells flew into the room, smashing and obliterating several chairs. A group of wizards, whom the Death Eaters immediately recognized, strode into the room looking smug. It was the Order of the Phoenix. Each member was pointing their wands around at several Death Eaters. The doors to cinema burst open once more, and Dumbledore marched in, furious than ever.

"TOM! HOW DARE YOU ALLOW BELLATRIX TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!" roared Dumbledore. The Death Eaters turned around to face He Who Just Got Yelled At By Dumbledore. Voldemort was cowering behind a singed armchair, with his white bald head poking out from the side.

"Allow her, Dumbledore? Why I don't believe that I have ever allowed any of my followers in such a high position!" retorted Voldemort. Everyone turned back to face Dumbledore. He looked rather affronted.

"Very well…HAGRID! FETCH THE LAST REMAINING SKREWT!" ordered Dumbledore. Hagrid's voice was heard somewhere behind the door.

"Alrigh' Professor!" called Hagrid. The Death Eaters heard a sound of growling and snapping from behind Dumbledore. The doors were blasted open by a Skrewt…er…_blasting off_. The shell-less lobster-like creature proceeded towards Draco, growling violently. Surprisingly, Draco did not scream, shriek, hide, freak out, wet his pants, commit suicide, create a musical (or did that already happen?), kiss Pansy Parkinson or die. He stood there grinning widely, with his wand raised in his right hand. With an impressive wave of his wand, the Skrewt stopped in his or her (its?) tracks. The Death Eaters and Order remained silent and shocked at this sudden action. Draco waved his wand once more, and the Skrewt transformed into something horrendous that cannot be uttered in any other story except this one. It was a female Snape again. She stared around at everyone, with a shocked and confused look on its, I mean her, face. Snape highly objected to this act.

"DRACO ABRAXAS MALFOY! IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS RIDICULOUS CARICATURE OF ME, I WILL DEDUCT ONE BILLION HOUSE POINTS FROM YOU AND ANY OTHER BOY CALLED SCORPIUS!" bellowed Snape. Draco glanced at him half-heartedly, before lowering his wand, causing the female Snape to disappear. The Order cheered loudly, and the double doors opened once more (yes they repaired themselves after the Skrewt attacked), this time, J.K. Rowling marched in with a quill in her right hand and an ink bottle in the other. She looked extremely irritated and confused.

"You aren't supposed to give valuable information from Deathly Hallows!" she hissed. Snape looked rather affronted.

"Why is everything so random?" complained Snape. There was another slamming of the double doors opening, but this time, everyone gasped with shock.

"This is getting way too random!" complained the Author.

"Tell me about it!" exclaimed Nott. The Death Eaters were scratching their heads in confusion.

"My mind hurts!" moaned Peter. Greyback started sniffing Peter's cloak in a doggish manner.

"Wormtail, can I eat your cloak?" asked Greyback. Peter flinched at the sound of Greyback's voice.

"THIS IS GETTING TOO RANDOM!" screamed Bellatrix. Rodolphus put his hand on his wife's shoulder.

"There, there dearest. I'm sure the Author will sort this out," said Rodolphus.

"Damn straight I will! You take these Time-Turners, and go forward ten days!" exclaimed the Author, while passing a number of small hourglasses to the Death Eaters. The Order remained speechless, as the Death Eaters turned their hourglasses exactly 240 times. As the minutes rolled by, each Death Eater had finished turning their Time-Turners.

"See you in the future," muttered the Author.

'Hopefully not,' thought Snape.

* * *

**10 days into the future, and 5 days before the Musical…**

The Death Eaters reappeared at their slightly damaged cinema. Voldemort waved his wand around, and armchair stuffing flew back into their rightful place, and tables rearranged themselves in a tidy way. Soon, the room was back to its original state, and the lights in the cinema went off. The film continued to stroll along, as though intervention had never occurred.

"_No Harry, it wasn't him, but somebody did betray your parents, but it was someone until quite recently, I believed to be __**dead**__!" said Lupin._

"_WHO WAS IT THEN!" demanded Harry. This time, Sirius answered him._

"_Peter Pettigrew! He's in this room, right now! Come out, come out Peter! Come out, come out and play!" laughed Sirius. Then suddenly, Snape swept into the room, pointed his wand at Sirius and yelled, 'Expelliarmus!' _

"_Vengeance is sweet, how I hoped I'd be the one to catch you," said Snape coldly. Sirius and Lupin walked back slowly. _

"_Severus…" began Lupin. Snape immediately pointed his wand at Lupin instead. _

"_I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend into the castle and now… here's the proof," said Snape smugly._

"THAT'S RIGHT! I KNEW HE WAS HELPING BLACK INTO HOGWARTS!" accused Snape. The Death Eaters hissed at him.

"SILENCE, SNAPE! THIS COULD BE VITAL INFORMATION!" bellowed Voldemort. _Sirius stared at Snape peculiarly, eyeing his wand anxiously._

"_Brilliant Snape. Once again you place your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion," riddled Sirius. _There was a bit of sniggering at this comment. Snape unfortunately noticed this.

"What?" demanded Snape. The sniggering slightly halted.

"Severus, remember the time when you thought your mother had come to visit you?" asked Lucius. Snape's mouth turned into an unhealthy grimace.

"How did you know? Er…I mean… go on!" stuttered Snape. Lucius gave him a small smug, before continuing.

"Well, you _believed _that you were hugging and kissing your mother," said Lucius.

"Wait… _believed_? Explain!" ordered Snape. Lucius started smirking at him.

"Well, the night before, a couple of us got really drunk at a bar," explained Lucius.

"Your point?"

"Well what happens when you drink a lot of alcohol?"

"Do you mean Muggle drinks or Wizard?"

"They're virtually the same!" exclaimed Lucius.

"Actually, Muggle drinks have a lower alcohol percentage than Wizard drinks," explained Snape. Rodolphus stared at him.

"How on earth do you know that?" asked Rodolphus.

"I _read_, Rodolphus," sighed Snape.

"SHUT UP! Anyway, you get drunk, so you're really dizzy and confused, right?" said Lucius.

"Yes,"

"And in the morning you get a hangover!" exclaimed Peter.

"Correct, so essentially, who you hugged and kissed… wasn't your mother," said Lucius, smirking at Snape. There was an ominous silence, as Snape turned from pale… to lighter pale.

"WHO WAS IT!" bellowed Snape. Lucius jumped at his sudden action.

"It was…

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED… RIGHT NOW!**

"… VOLDEMORT!" exclaimed Lucius. Snape remained speechless for several minutes. The movie went on as Snape remained silent, but the other Death Eaters glanced from their master, to Snape, nervously. The finally, Voldemort spoke.

"Severus, if you wish to curse me… then so be it," muttered Voldemort. Several Death Eaters gasped and fainted, but Snape remained silent. Lucius was concerned for his 'friend', and slapped Snape across the face. He blinked wildly before staring at Lucius sincerely.

"Yes?" asked Snape. Lucius shook his head in disappointment.

"Never mind, Severus!"

_The movie had progressed quite far since the unnecessary commentary. They were now outside the Whomping Willow, where Sirius suggests that Harry should live with him._

"_I'll never forget, when I first walked through those doors," said Sirius, as he stared at the black castle. Harry was standing next to him, and Ron, Hermione, Lupin and Wormtail were behind them beside the immobile Whomping Willow. "That was a noble thing – you did back there… but he doesn't deserve it," muttered Sirius. _

"_Well I thought my dad wouldn't want his two best friends to become killers," said Harry._

"You know, I wonder why I never asked Potter's parents to join us," remarked Voldemort.

"Well they did thrice defy you, so there isn't much point asking them at all," explained Avery. A sudden pop of blue smoke erupted in the cinema, and several Harry Potter addicts proceeded to Avery and slapped him repeatedly on the cheek.

"DON'T GIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PROPHECY!" they screamed. In a green flash of light, they lay dead on the floor. Voldemort's wand was slightly smoking, signaling that he was the caster.

"Sorry! I didn't want to remember about our failure," apologized Voldemort. _Harry and Sirius suddenly turned around, as Hermione yelled, "HARRY!" _

_The clouds behind them moved, to reveal a full moon. The camera zoomed upon Lupin's eye, revealing a bizarre blackness to it. It zoomed out once more, to reveal Lupin's pale and twitching face. Sirius ran towards Lupin, placing his hand on his heart._

"_Remus my old friend. Have you taken your potion tonight?" demanded Sirius. Wormtail cowered in fear, while Harry, Ron and Hermione remained still and horrified. _

"_This heart is where you truly live, Remus. THIS HEART HERE!" screamed Sirius. Lupin gave a loud moan of pain, as his fingernails turned into claws. "THIS FLESH IS ONLY FLESH!" bellowed Sirius. Wormtail picked up Lupin's dropped wand, before Harry disarmed him._

"_Expelliarmus!" cried Harry. A soft whistling was heard, as Lupin's wand was thrown out of Wormtail's hand. Wormtail gave Harry a sinister smirk, before transforming back into a rat and scurrying away in the darkness, leaving his clothes behind._

"I don't think we actually leave our clothes behind when we transform," said Wormtail curiously.

"You don't," said Jugson. Wormtail thought to himself for a while, before poking Bellatrix at the back of her head.

"WHAT?" she shrieked loudly. Her scream made the hairs on Wormtail's neck stick up.

"When you transfigure yourself using a wand, do you still wear your clothes?" asked Wormtail. Bellatrix stared at him bemused, before poking Crabbe at the back of his head.

"Huh?" moaned Crabbe, as Greyback started chewing his leg.

"Wormtail wants to know that when you transfigure yourself using a wand, do you still wear your clothes?" said Bellatrix. Crabbe ignored her.

"I don't know why I'm wasting my time! STUPEFY!" cackled Bellatrix, as she pointed her wand at Peter. He was knocked out cold on the floor. _The scene was now at the lake, where Harry tries to awake a wounded Sirius. The lake slowly began freezing, and ice soon covered the entire surface. Suddenly, Sirius woke up, and gasped in shock as hooded black figures circled above him and Harry. _

"OH MY GOD! IT'S THE DEMENTORS!" screamed Nott. He fainted with shock. None of the other Death Eaters overreacted, except for Alecto and Bellatrix who were biting their nails. _One Dementor swept down upon Sirius, and briefly sucked some of his soul, before gliding away. "Sirius," said Harry weakly. Another Dementor swept across the lake, and sucked Harry's soul partially. _

"This is too much!" cried Rodolphus, as he got out of his seat and ran outside the theatre. His brother, Rabastan, smirked in the darkness of the cinema, before turning around and continued to watch the movie. _One Dementor had finally sucked out all of Sirius's soul, and there was an eerie silence. Suddenly, a bright blue speck of light rose slowly from Sirius's mouth, and Harry looked up. There was a creature standing on the other side of the lake, with two antlers. It was a bluish white color, not like the normal brown it should've been. It raised its head, sending out enormous blue pulses, which headed towards Harry. The pulses immediately sent the Dementors flying away upon impact, and soon, Harry and Sirius were alone. The bright blue speck lowered itself back down in Sirius's mouth, and he immediately gave a gasp before breathing heavily. Harry stared back at the creature, but his world was slowly fading into black. There was a figure behind the creature, but surely, it wasn't him? Then finally, he fainted._

"Was that a Patronus?" asked Dolohov. Voldemort nodded.

"So weak, a charm like that," said Voldemort coldly Snape stared at him bemused at his statement.

"But master, surely you saw the effectiveness of that charm just then?"

"But we have no need of it Severus. As I said, the Dementors are our natural allies," explained Voldemort.

"BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE WIZARD WHO HAS THE MOST EXTENSIVE MAGICAL KNOWLEDGE IN THE WORLD? SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE SPELL?" screamed Snape. Voldemort was taken aback.

"Well to conjure a Patronus, you have to think of a happy and powerful memory,"

"So you can think of a memory when you torture someone!" complained Snape. Voldemort shook his head.

"That's not the point. You see, when I Crucio someone, I feel pleasure. Not happiness," said Voldemort, while taking a sip of his butterbeer.

"Oh! And you are incapable of love?" asked Snape.

"That is correct, Severus," replied Voldemort.

_

* * *

Harry awoke in the Hospital Wing, with Hermione looking at him over his bed._

_"I saw my dad," muttered Harry. Hermione looked shocked._

"_What?" she asked, disbelieving what she had heard. _

"_He sent the Dementors away," said Harry, "I saw him across the lake,"_

"_Listen Harry, they've taken Sirius. Any moment now the Dementors are going to perform the Kiss," whispered a mortified Hermione._

"_You mean they're going to kill him?" demanded Harry. _

"_No it's worse. Much worse. They're going to suck out his soul," whispered Hermione. The doors to the Hospital Wing burst open, and Dumbledore strode in. "Headmaster you've got to stop them! They've got the wrong man!" cried Hermione. Dumbledore turned to Harry._

"_It's true sir Sirius is innocent!" agreed Harry. Ron spoke up from across them with his damaged leg in bandages._

"_Its Scabbers who did it!" accused Ron. _

"_Scabbers?" asked a confused Dumbledore. Ron nodded._

"_He's my rat sir. Only he wasn't a rat. Well he was a rat. You see, he used to be my brother, Percy's rat, then they gave him an owl…" said Ron quickly. _

"What on earth is Weasley talking about?" asked Snape. A number of Death Eaters shrugged their shoulders. Avery on the other hand, whipped out a copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ and began to quickly skin thorough the chapters.

"Here it is!" cried Avery. "Scabbers, a.k.a. Wormtail, used to belong to Ron Weasley's brother, Percy. When Percy became a Prefect, he was given an owl by his parents, and seeing as it would be difficult to maintain two pets, he gave it Ron," explained Avery. Everyone in the cinema remained shocked and surprised at Avery's knowledge.

* * *

Suddenly, the doors to the cinema burst open, and Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny strode in. The Death Eaters immediately whipped out their wands, before Harry held out a large scroll of parchment. He walked down to Voldemort and handed it to him.

"What's this?" demanded Voldemort. Harry grinned at him.

"Read it," said Harry. Voldemort nervously opened the scroll and read:

_Dear Tom,_

_I hope you will allow Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Miss. Granger and Miss. Weasley to accompany you on your Harry Potter marathon. They are here on a study of how they are portrayed in the Muggle World. I'm sure you will understand, otherwise, I shall give my memory on that fateful day in you seventh year, when Olive Hornby switched your robes with ballet ones, to the Ministry. I'm sure they will find it as amusing as I did. _

_Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore_

Voldemort turned pink, before conjuring up four more chairs out of thin air. The four sat in them, and Voldemort handed them several glasses.

"Drinks?" asked Voldemort tartly.

"Yes please," said Ron eagerly. Hermione grasped his arm tightly.

"Uh, we'll have our own drinks, thank you Tom," said Hermione firmly. Voldemort nodded, before turning to Harry and Ginny.

"Anything for you Mr. Potter?" muttered Voldemort.

"Pumpkin juice for Ginny and I'll take Butterbeer," said Harry. Ginny raised her eyebrows at Harry.

"I'm not a first year anymore Harry! I'll take a glass of Firewhisky!" exclaimed Ginny bravely. Voldemort conjured a fountain of each drink out of his wand, which landed into each of their glasses. They raised their glasses before Snape turned the movie back on.

_Dumbledore was staring outside the window.  
"A mysterious thing time. Powerful, but when meddled with, dangerous. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of the dark tower," stated Dumbledore. He immediately turned around to face Harry and Hermione gravely. "You know the laws, Miss. Granger. You must not be seen. __And you would, I feel, do well to return before this last chime. If not the consequences are too ghastly to discuss. If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared. Three turns should do it, I think," suggested Dumbledore. He walked over to the wooden Hospital door and opened it. He was halfway through the doorway, when he turned around to face a confused Harry. "Oh, by the way, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin. Good luck!" exclaimed Dumbledore. He whimsically left them alone. _

"Dumbledore's not that jolly," remarked Harry. Hermione nodded in agreement.

"His beard's much longer than that," said Hermione. Ron scowled at them both.

"Give it a rest! These Muggles aren't going to have some guy with a beard that touches the floor, so give Dumbledore a break!" complained Ron. The Death Eaters were staring at Ron curiously, which Ron unfortunately noticed. "WHAT?" roared Ron, his face red with embarrassment. Draco smirked at him, and prepared for another insult at the Weasley fortune.

"You can't afford a stupid Muggle actor even if you had a few Galleons from your brothers, Weasley" retorted Draco. Ron glared at him menacingly, and Ginny whipped out her wand in anger.

"Say one more word Malfoy, and I'll make sure you will be turned back into a ferret again!" hissed Ginny. Draco slightly recoiled in his seat.

_

* * *

Hermione pulled a long golden chain around hers and Harry's necks. There was golden tiny hourglass hanging on it, and Hermione placed her finger on it. Harry tried to touch the hourglass, but Hermione slapped his hand away._

"OOOOOHHHH! REJECTED!" bellowed Draco. Hermione stood up in her seat and strutted towards Draco's seat. He slowly got out of it, and took his wand out of his shirt pocket. Hermione copied him, and they were now both raised at wand point. Harry backed Hermione up, while Snape got out of his seat aimed his wand at Harry's chest.

"You might want to rethink your decisions, Potter," warned Snape as we dangerously raised his wand. Voldemort sighed loudly, and stood up reluctantly from his seat.

"Severus, Potter and his friends are here as our guests; Granger, don't overreact when Draco insults you, mind you, he's going to be a lot nastier," muttered Voldemort.

_Hermione turned the golden hourglass three times and finally let go. As though caught in a strong wind, the hourglass span backwards madly. As though rewinding a video, Dumbledore blurrily, walked back into the Hospital Wing and out once more. Harry and Hermione saw themselves and Ron walk in and out of the Hospital Wing. They also saw a man being taken out of a mummy casting, before they reached a stop in a bright sun lit Hospital Wing. Harry nervously looked around the room._

"_What just happened? Where's Ron?" asked Harry confusingly._

"WAIT JUST ONE MOMENT! WHEN YOU GO BACK IN TIME, YOU GO TO THE PLACE YOU WERE AT THAT TIME! WE WERE IN A CORRIDOR WHEN THAT HAPPENED!" shrieked Hermione. Ron shoved his hand over her mouth, but Hermione wrenched it away. "THIS MOVIE IS ENTIRELY INACCURATE!" screamed Hermione. The Death Eaters roared in protest at the disruption.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, GRANGER!" howled Draco. Hermione turned to face him.

"SHUT YOUR GOB, MALFOY!" bellowed Hermione.

"MAKE ME!"

"I WILL!"

"COME ON!

"FINE!"

"I'M WAITING!"

"I'M COMING!"

Hermione thundered towards Draco and raised her hand high up in the air. With a sudden swipe, her hand fell through the air but Draco caught it before it struck his cheek. With a strong pull, Hermione was soon in Draco's arms, and his lips slowly reached Hermione's. It was a horrifying sight. Draco Malfoy was kissing Hermione Granger passionately across the cheeks. It could not last, but it did.

* * *

**To be continued…**

**

* * *

  
**

**This cliffhanger is brought to you by… a skit!**

**Neville: Have you seen Trevor?**

**The Author: I'm afraid not.**

**Neville: Uncle Alfred's gonna kill me!**

**The Author: I'm sure he'll turn up, Neville.**

**(Luna suddenly skips past a corner and walks up to the Author)**

**Luna: Have you seen the Nargle?**

**Neville: Uh… no.**

**Luna: There's a few Wrackspurts flying around here!**

**(Swings her hands around in the air)**

**The Author: Anyways, Luna, do you know the headline of today's Quibbler?**

**Luna: Yes I do! Daddy's gone into mass reprints for this! (Reads of the magazine in her bag) "DEATH EATER AUTHOR REQUESTS REVIEWS FOR FUNNY STORY".**

**The Author: Next one.**

**Luna: "SEX SCANDAL INVOLVING FUDGE AND SCRIMGEOUR".**

**The Author and Neville: … **

**Luna: "STRANGE OUTCOMES FOR RECENT TORNADOS MATCH. POSSIBLE USE OF SEX, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?"**

**The Author: Who writes these articles?**

**Luna: Daddy wrote two! Want to hear more?**

**Neville: NO!**

**Luna: "HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED CHARGED FOR ASSAULT OVER ATTRACTIVE HOGSMEADE BARMAID. POSSIBLE USES OF FIREWHISKY, DRUGS AND PLASTIC SURGERY."**

**The Author and Neville: ARGH!**


	24. Chapter 24:Disease,Gandalf and Copyright

**A/N: For those upset about the previous chapter's cliffhanger… it won't last. It's totally irrelevant to the plotline. Cheerios!**

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is a wicked name owned entirely by J.K Rowling.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 24: Diseases, Gandalf and Copyright 

**Previously…**

Hermione thundered towards Draco and raised her hand high up in the air. With a sudden swipe, her hand fell through the air but Draco caught it before it struck his cheek. With a strong pull, Hermione was soon in Draco's arms, and his lips slowly reached Hermione's. It was a horrifying sight. Draco Malfoy was kissing Hermione Granger passionately across the cheeks. It could not last, but it did.

* * *

**And now, the adventure... continues.**

As Draco lifted his lips away from Hermione, she stared at him horrified. With a sudden WHACK, Hermione had slapped Draco across the face. "DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" shrieked Hermione. As Draco rubbed his cheek, Hermione had sat back down next to Ron, who was giving Draco death glares every second. Ginny was extremely furious, yet bit back her anger and Harry had his hand clutching his wand from his jeans pocket. Not a very happy start to a movie watching.

* * *

**After the movie…**

"My voice is _not _that high," muttered Ron.

"It is when you're scared, Weasley," sneered Draco. Ron's anger seemed to finally been unleashed. Within a split second, he had leapt onto Draco, and pulled him to the ground. They started slapping each other with their hands, much to the amusement of the surrounding Death Eaters.

"Ooh! Bitch fight!" laughed Avery. Ron and Draco started rolling around on the floor, punching and hitting each other.

"Get out of it, Weasley!" cried Draco, as he moved his blonde white hair out of his eyes. Ron and placed his hand around Draco's throat.

"Then you'll die!" roared Ron. Everyone in the room stopped cheering, and watched Ron slowly choke Draco.

"NO RON! DON'T STOOP DOWN TO THE LEVEL OF THE DEATH EATERS!" screamed Hermione. Snape on the other hand, was yelling at Draco.

"GRAB YOUR WAND DRACO, AND CURSE WEASLEY!" bellowed Snape. Ron's face was contorted with fury and madness, while Draco's was slowly turning blue. At last, Draco had wrenched Ron's hand away from his throat, and pushed him against a wall. He whipped out his wand and pointed it sharply beneath Ron's jaw. Hermione was quietly sobbing in her arms, while Snape was smirking malevolently. Draco had a strange look on his face that resembled both triumph, and possibly fright. Voldemort approached Draco cautiously; looking the letter in which Harry had given him.

"Draco, let Weasley go, and I'll let you take your Vicodin pills again," said Voldemort. Bellatrix gave him a wide stare, before stepping right in front of him.

"My lord, those pills rightfully belong to me!" spat Bellatrix.

"Draco deserves them more than you do," said Voldemort quietly. Bellatrix gave a roar of frustration, before being led to the Anger dome by Rodolphus. Draco slowly lowered his wand, before walking out of the room. Harry remained confused, but Voldemort tapped him sharply on the shoulder.

"If I may, I will now disapparate you back to Hogwarts," asked Voldemort grudgingly. Harry nodded, and he grabbed Ron's arm, who grabbed Hermione's, who grabbed Ginny's. Voldemort raised his wand up in the air.

"Don't forget, Potter. This doesn't change _anything _between us," said Voldemort coldly. With a flick of his wand, Harry and his friends were gone.

**Hogwarts, the next day…**

Breakfast began as usual, with no odd interruptions as per usual. All teachers were present at the Staff table, and several students, who had mistakenly taken some Plastic Potion, were in the Hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey was to remove their uncanny Michael Jackson look-a-like noses. Jugs filled with Pumpkin juice, coffee and orange juice, were littered across the four house tables, and each student gladly poured a portion into their goblets. Snape was particularly menacing that day, and he kept giving death glares at Harry. Ron pointed this out to him, which made Harry rather nervous.

"Do you think he's going to do something in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" asked Harry. Ron shook his head.

"Nah. He can't do anything while Dumbledore's around," said Ron. Hermione had immediately dropped the Daily Prophet she was holding.

"Oh honestly! Haven't you noticed that Dumbledore's been away for ages! Look at his chair!" said Hermione irritably. Harry glanced over at Dumbledore's high chair. It was empty and devoid of life.

* * *

Suddenly, the double doors to the Great Hall burst open, and the most peculiar thing was standing in the doorway. It marched towards the High Table, with a soft thud, as its staff hit the stone floor. It finally sat in Dumbledore's usual chair, looking menacing, but kind at the same time. Snape stood up from his seat, looking like a terrible overgrown bat as always.

"May I introduce, our _temporary _Headmaster of Hogwarts?" said Snape. There was stunned shock from all around the hall. Several students fainted of shock, and had to be levitated by Professor Flitwick to the school's personal anger dome. The man, or wizard to be precise, was wearing sparkling white robes, and a beard that was not quite as long as Dumbledore's, but nevertheless, quite awkward. His staff was rather like Moody's, yet slimmer and made of the same white as the man's robes. He stood up from his seat, and addressed the school.

"Thank you very much, Professor Snape. As some of you students with Muggle parentage, would have probably heard of me before. My name is Gandalf, and I am temporarily standing in, under Ministry of Magic's request, as your Headmaster, while my good old friend Dumbledore is travelling," announced the wizard. More fainting erupted from somewhere near the Hufflepuff table. Ernie Macmillan and Susan Bones had fainted of shock, and had to immediately, be taken straight away to the anger dome. Gandalf chuckled to himself quietly. "Oh dear! Seems like I'll have to teach you a lesson or two! Starting tomorrow, each of you students will be taught by me, in the new subject coming to Hogwarts! Yes, I will be teaching all of you students, _Care in the Magical Illnesses that may and possibly affect you_," announced Gandalf. There was stunned applause in the Great Hall, as Terry Boot and Hannah Abbot fainted with even more shock. Gandalf sat down and chatted with Professor McGonagall. Harry was rather anxious about adding another subject to his workload.

"Hermione! Do you think you can do my Potions homework for me?" pleaded Harry. Hermione gave a loud snort.

"No! Not when you're already ahead with that Half-Blood Prince book! I'll tell Slughorn about it, if you don't!" hissed Hermione. And without another word, she strode out of the hall.

* * *

**The Next day, in the brand new CITMITMAPAY classroom…**

When Harry, Ron and Hermione walked into the new classroom, they thought that they had apparated to St. Mungo's. The walls in the classroom were completely white, as well as the floor and ceiling. There were several posters hung on the wall, saying things like: "WASH YOUR CAULDRON, OR BE VERY SORRY!" or "SPELLS ARE FOR WITCHES! THEY ARE BITCHES!"

"That's totally barbaric!" gasped Hermione. Ron and Harry were laughing silently, while the rest of the Gryffindors strode in. Neville fainted of shock from the sighting of the horrid poster, while Seamus and Dean were hysterically laughing on the floor. Parvati and Lavender screamed with shock, and ran out of the classroom. The laughing and gasping ceased when Gandalf materialized in front of them. He was wearing his white robes like a king, and everyone immediately sat down at their desks.

"Good evening, students. Today, we'll go over the basics of Magical Illnesses, but first, does everyone have a copy of _Magical Flubberbasticdragormafigjugip Illnesses by Gladys I.M.A. "Sissy" Flannigan_?" asked Gandalf. It was rather like the time when they had Umbitch, (sorry!) Umbridge teaching them Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Yes, Professor Gandalf," they all chanted. Gandalf stared at all of them.

"What are you? First Years? In this class, we'll be dealing with fricken Dragon Pox!" laughed Gandalf. Hermione gasped loudly at Gandalf's foul language. "Now, who can tell me what a magical illness is?" asked Gandalf. Hermione's hand shot up in the air.

"According to Gladys I.M.A "Sissy" Flannigan, a magical illness is any form of illness or disease that performs usually bizarre and unexplainable effects on witches and wizards. The effects on Muggles, is currently unknown," recited Hermione.

"Precisely! Take ten points to Gryffindor, Miss?"

"Granger, sir. And if you want to know, I don't think I'm related to Hector Dagworth-Granger who founded the Most Extraordinary Society of Potioneers," said Hermione. Gandalf gave her a surprised look.

"I wasn't going to ask that!" exclaimed Gandalf. The door opened widely, and Slughorn poked his head through it.

"I DID!" he boomed. The door slammed shut immediately.

"That was random," remarked Harry. Gandalf suddenly shook his head, remembering he was teaching a class.

"Yes, well what I wanted to ask you, Miss Granger, was that are you related to Margaret Rose-Granger, the celebrated Healer of St. Mungo's?" asked Gandalf. Hermione shook her head.

"No. I don't think so, sir. I'm Muggle born, you see" stated Hermione. Harry had a strange sense of déjà vu at that moment.

"Oho! _One of my friends is Muggle born and she's the best in our year_! I'm assuming this is the very friend of whom you spoke, Harry?" exclaimed Gandalf. The door burst open, and Dumbledore burst in the classroom with Slughorn. 

"He's breaching my copyright rights!" accused Slughorn. Dumbledore and Slughorn slowly advanced upon Gandalf, who looked scared.

"D-Dumbledore my old friend! H-How was your j-journey?" stuttered Gandalf.

"Don't try and Quirrel your way out of this, Gandalf! TELL ME WHERE THE RING IS!" demanded Dumbledore. Gandalf was slowly edging towards the window.

"Gone! Frodo destroyed it! In Mount Doom, remember?" said Gandalf.

"NOT THAT BLASTED HORCRUX! THE OTHERONE! REMEMBER MARVOLO'S RING? WHERE IS IT?" screamed Dumbledore. Gandalf was now shaking with shock.

"I-I don't know! G-Gollum had it l-last time!" sobbed Gandalf.

"NO MORE LORD OF THE RINGS CRAP! JUST HAND OVER THE BLOODY GODDAMN RING THAT HAS THE FRICKEN RESURRECTION STONE IN IT!"

Suddenly, Dumbledore had gone too far. The door burst open again, and a group of angry Potter fans, that Voldemort had killed last chapter, stormed into the classroom. They slapped Dumbledore across the face.

"No Deathly Hallow references!" they screamed. In a blinding flash of green light, Dumbledore had killed them, but once he turned around, Gandalf was gone. Dumbledore, Slughorn and Harry immediately looked out of the window. They saw a distinctive white object descending quickly towards the hard concrete grounds.

* * *

**Several hundred metres above the courtyard…**

'Okay, if the bloody X-men can sprout wings, then I can,' thought Gandalf. His robes were billowing behind him, as he fell to the ground. His staff kept lighting up at every few intervals.

'Now what was that spell? Ah! _Flying Superman_!' thought Gandalf. His staff end exploded in a gazillion shiny pieces.

'Crap,'

The ground was slowly coming into view. A bunch of students had gathered in the Entrance courtyard, pointing at the white shadow coming closer to them.

"CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!" swore Gandalf. The ground was just metres from impact, and then…SPLAT!

* * *

**Ah, poor Gandalf! Let's have a skit to make us forget that little event, shall we?**

**Luna: Hello everyone! It's so nice to help the Author make you review!**

**The Author: Yes, um, Luna. I need to tell you something important.**

**Luna: Have the Nargles come back? **

**The Author: Uh, no.**

**Luna: Is it the Crumple-Horned Snorkack? **

**The Author: NO! I mean, just listen.**

**(Ginny suddenly appears out of no where)**

**Ginny: Hi Luna! Where are we?**

**Luna: This is a kind of Room of Requirement! **

**Ginny: How…nice.**

**The Author: Where's Harry?**

**Ginny: I dumped him under the mistletoe.**

**The Author: You didn't!**

**Ginny: Oh yes I did. He went on about me being in danger while he fights Voldemort. The nerve!**

**Luna: Maybe the Wrackspurts made him go weird?**

**Ginny: Not this time Luna.**

**The Author: Well, how about we dress up as costumes for Halloween?**

**Ginny: HELL NO!**

**Luna: I've got it! I can be Batman, and you can be Catwoman, Ginny! **

**Ginny: …**

**Luna: REVIEW!**

**The Author: That's the stuff, Luna!**

**Luna: Thank you! **

**The Author: What am I going to be, Luna?**

**Luna: Hmm… I KNOW! You can be Wonder Woman!**

**The Author: Kill me. **


	25. Chapter 25: The Lightning Struck Tower

**A/N: What are you doing inside, reading the next chapter of this story? Most people, including several Death Eaters, would think you are… up to something. Which is very true. You are here for the penultimate chapter of the story, which clearly means, that it will change the course of the plot. So, without further ado, allow me to brief you in on what has happened so far!**

* * *

The Author: Ever since the first chapter, this story has had laughs, deaths and weird obsessive Potter fans bursting through doors. We've had jobs, dance routines, musicals and unnecessary commentary during movies. But now, be very afraid of this chapter, due to the horrible events within it. If you've read "The Lightning Struck Tower" chapter of Half-Blood Prince, well here's a seriously twisted version of it. To help me explain, Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley and Severus Snape will instruct you on what will happen in the next few paragraphs.

Ginny: Why am I at the Author Note of this chapter?

Draco: And why am I here with _you_?

Severus: And why am I stark naked wearing nothing but a cucumber mask and a margarita?

Draco and Ginny: …

Severus: What? The cucumber makes my skin soft and free of grease!

Draco: Whatever, Professor. So, you people are here for a hilarious chapter, are you? Well think again!

Ginny: Actually, we do have quite a few laughs in this chapter, Malfoy.

Draco: Fine! We have many laughs and no weird moments at all in this chapter!

Severus: Actually, there are a couple of weird moments in this chapter, Draco.

Draco: LET ME BLOODY FINISH! FOR THE NAME OF MERLIN LET ME TELL THE READERS EVERY SINGLE FRICKEN THING IN THIS CHAPTER!

The Author: Forget it! Let the chapter… begin! And also, the end is highly altered from the book!

* * *

Disclaimer: I have no son! I mean, I have no connection with Harry Potter!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 25: The Lightning Struck Tower

**The Astronomy Tower…**

"Harry, you must obey every command I give you without question," said Dumbledore. The wind breezed through the Astronomy Tower like a deadly whisper. Harry and Dumbledore were standing near the edge of the Tower, looking like an unusual pair.

"Yes, sir," replied Harry. Dumbledore gave him a piercing look.

"You do understand what I am saying? Should I tell you to hide, you hide. Should I tell you to run, you run. Should I tell you to abandon me and save yourself, you will do so. Your word Harry," said Dumbledore quietly.

"But sir, what if a group of angry Potter fans are at the place we're going to?" asked Harry. Dumbledore gave him a small smile.

"I'll make sure they never see the sight of day again!" exclaimed Dumbledore. He held out his arm and Harry looked at him curiously.

"Sir, I thought you couldn't apparate within Hogwarts?"

"Well, being one of the main characters, I have special privileges!" chuckled Dumbledore. Harry smiled and took his hand. They were gone.

* * *

**Diagon Alley…**

"BELLATRIX YOU TWIT!" screamed Alecto. Bellatrix had tripped over a table full of amulets and necklaces. The man sitting on a cardboard box behind the table gave a roar of fury.

"Oy you! Those are my amulets! Get ya own ya filthy Squib!" spat the frail man. Bellatrix turned around with a sinister look on her face.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME? AVADA KEDAVRA!" shrieked Bellatrix. There was a flash of green light, and the man lay on the floor, dead. Bellatrix had a satisfied look on her face, before walking away with Alecto. They passed Ollivander's, which remained boarded up and grubby. They walked through the alleyway which led to Knockturn Alley. Ripping the off wanted posters of her from the wall, Bellatrix leered at the group of people at the end of the alley. Greyback, Amycus, Rowle, Gibbon and Yaxley were standing at the end, looking irritated at Bellatrix and Alecto.

"You're late," snarled Greyback. Bellatrix gave him an innocent smile.

"No we aren't! The dark lord specifically allowed us to do some last minute shopping at Madam Malkin's!" exclaimed Bellatrix. Rowle raised his eyebrow at Bellatrix.

"But you're a convict! You can't just walk into a public shop!" gasped Rowle.

"Bella killed Madame Malkin," said Alecto, looking depressed.

"Why the long face?" asked Bellatrix.

"She was always nice to me when I was in Diagon Alley," sighed Alecto.

"Who cares?" sniggered Bellatrix. She walked over to Borgin and Burkes, with her wand clutched in her hand. Waving the wand over the door handle, it immediately came unlocked. The Death Eaters walked through the door, and examined the dusty shelves of the shop.

"Look at this! Beauty Potion worth 100 galleons! Guaranteed to make the drinker as sexy as Britney Spears!" exclaimed Alecto.

"You definitely need it," remarked Greyback. Alecto dropped the pink bottle onto the floor.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" she demanded.

"Well you're not exactly much of a looker you know," explained Greyback. Alecto made a move for her wand, but she resisted it. Gibbon kept checking a pocket watch tied around his neck. The time was approximately 11: 56.

"In about an hour, Draco will open the Cabinet. Might as well do something to pass the time!" announced Gibbon. He took out a collection of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince _books from a box hidden in his robes. "Stole it from Avery," explained Gibbon, as he saw the puzzled looks on the other Death Eaters' faces. They opened the books eagerly at chapter one. "We'll have 10 minutes of discussion before 1 o'clock," advised Gibbon.

* * *

**12:50…**

"Well?" asked Gibbon.

"I only got up to 'Silver and Opals'," muttered Greyback. Gibbon laughed at him, stupidly.

"Are you kidding? I got up to 'A Sluggish Memory'!" boasted Gibbon. The other Death Eaters had wide smiles on their faces. "What did you get up to, Bellatrix?" asked Gibbon curiously.

"'Elf Tails'," she said. There were a few nods and 'ah's' in the room.  
"Amycus?"

"'After the Burial'. And might I add, that foolish buffoon Hagrid can certainly be persuaded rather easily," commented Amycus. Gibbon nodded, before proceeding on to Rowle.

"I got up to just after Amycus at 'Horcruxes'," said Rowle. Gibbon stared at him widely.  
"What's a Horcrux, Rowle?' demanded Gibbon. Rowle had a smug and superior look on his face.

"Can't tell you! Spoilers, you know," remarked Rowle. Gibbon bit back his anger, before asking Alecto.

"'Sectumsempra', and that's a really exhilarating chapter!" exclaimed Alecto.

"Brilliant, I can read it when I get back! How about you Yaxley?" asked Gibbon.

"Oh, I got up to 'The Phoenix Lament'!" exclaimed Yaxley. Gibbon gasped at him.

"NO FRICKEN WAY! THAT'S TOO FAR!" screamed Gibbon. Yaxley smirked at him.

"When you read books a lot like me, Gibbon; you find that you read a lot quicker than you normally do," said Yaxley. Gibbon glared at him, before glancing down at his pocket watch.

"It's about 12:58. Might as well get in the Cabinet," announced Gibbon. He walked over to a black wooden cabinet, and turned the ornate handle. He stepped inside, and vanished from sight.

* * *

**Potions Corridor…**

"Professor Flitwick! We need you for something!" called Hermione. She was standing with Luna outside Snape's office. Professor Flitwick had run past them and into Snape's office. They had loud mumblings within the room. Placing her eye on the keyhole, Hermione saw Flitwick madly shaking his hands in the air.

"Severus! I have just seen a group of Death Eaters make their way to the Astronomy Tower!" gasped Flitwick.

"Where did you see them!" demanded Snape. Flitwick had collapsed into an armchair.

"They were walking through the Defense Against the Dark Arts corridor last time I saw them!"

"We'll catch them Fillius," said Snape coldly. They may have imagined it, for Hermione and Luna heard a soft breeze flutter in Snape's office. The door opened wide, and Hermione and Luna were pushed backwards. Snape was glaring down at them like an overgrown bat. "What are you doing, Miss Granger and you too Miss Lovegood?" said Snape slowly. Hermione turned a light shade of pink.

"I wanted to ask you something about the Inferi essay," said Hermione quietly. Snape gave her a cold glare.

"I'll see you this afternoon about it. In the meantime, why don't you go and help Professor Flitwick? He's just fainted due to some serious shock," advised Snape.

"Are you sure, Professor Snape? Maybe there's a mutant Wrackspurt in your office!" exclaimed Luna. She began waving her hands in the air like a butterfly net. Snape and Hermione stared at her oddly.

"Rigggghhhht," they both said slowly. Luna began chasing the apparently invisible Wrackspurt inside Snape's office. Snape shook his head, as though removing several overlarge Wrackspurts from within it.

"Why don't you help Miss. Lovegood with the Wrack-thingy? I'm going to go and stop the Death Eaters," said Snape. And he left them without another word. Hermione shrugged her shoulders, before walking into Snape's dimly lit office. Luna was still waving her hands in the air. She was walking towards the limp body of Professor Flitwick, who was lying in his armchair looking dazed. Luna's foot was suddenly stuck beneath the armchair, and she tripped right over, bringing the armchair and Professor Flitwick with her.

"Oops!" cried Luna, as she fell through the glass window. Hermione had just caught her leg in time, dangling her over the battlements. "This is more fun when you wave your arms in the air like _this_!" laughed Luna, as she waved her arms around like a windmill. Hermione smacked her hand on her forehead.

* * *

**The Astronomy Corridor…**

Draco was sprinting all the way past through the corridors, with the Death Eaters following suit behind him. He held up his Hand of Glory, until he stopped in his tracks, seeing something in front of him. The other Death Eaters collided into him, as they tried to brake.

"Ahhh!" screamed Draco, as he felt seven bodies colliding with his own. Everyone apologized, and dusted the dust off their robes. They saw a group of people with their wands aimed at the Death Eaters, standing right in front of them. Mad-Eye was standing at the front with Bill, McGonagall, Kingsley, Sirius, Lupin and Tonks.

"GET THE BASTERDS!" bellowed Mad-Eye. Tonks and Lupin slowly rounded upon Yaxley, until he raised his hand.

"Isn't that what you said in chapter 11?" asked Rowle. Mad-Eye looked irritated at being interrupted.

"I said, 'GET THE BITCHES!'" corrected Mad-Eye.

"Oh," said Rowle. Tonks coughed loudly to grab Mad-Eye's attention.

"What? Oh right! GET THE STUPID FRICKEN DEATH EATERS!" laughed Mad-Eye. The Order yelled 'Stupefy!' in unison, while the Death Eaters disappeared in black jets of smoke. Rowle ducked under Lupin's outstretched arm, and ran up a flight of stairs towards the Astronomy Tower.

"He's escaping! Stun him, Sirius!" bellowed Mad-Eye. Sirius turned towards Rowle, and raised his wand. In mid sentence, Rowle had blocked Sirius's spell with Protego.

"Come on, Black! You can't seriously be thinking of defeating me!" laughed Rowle. With a strange flick of his wand, Rowle sent an apparently invisible spell from his wand. Draco ran behind a pillar, in hopes of hiding from battle.

"MOMMY!" cried Draco. Kingsley was dueling with Bellatrix ferociously.

"Take _that_, Shacklebolt!" cackled Bellatrix. Kingsley was knocked backwards by a Hurling Hex, but he was soon rescued by Tonks.  
"Petrificus Totalus!" yelled Tonks. Bellatrix froze like a statue, her eyes widening with shock. Gibbon was sending Killing Curses one after the other at Lupin.

"Avada Kedavra!" shouted Gibbon. His green jet missed Lupin and hit a painting with a witch doing _creative _movements on a pole. Bill was dueling Greyback, and he dodged Greyback's attempts to bite him.

"COME HERE YOU STUPID BLOOD TRAITOR!" snarled Greyback, as he lunged towards Bill. He quickly jumped out of harm's way, but he tripped over a suit of armor and landed flat on his face.

"HOLY SHIT!" moaned Bill, as he saw Greyback walk towards him. Before he knew it, Greyback sunk his teeth into Bill's back. Blood spurted from his body, as Greyback ate Bill's flesh. (Sorry for those who are mortally disgusted by this scene. Mind you, this isn't a Twilight fic!). McGonagall sent a Stunner at Greyback, who immediately fell to the floor unconscious. Alecto, Amycus and Yaxley were slowly tip-toeing their way up to the staircase, until they heard a battle-cry from behind them. Ron, Ginny and Neville were standing at the other end of the corridor with their wands raised.

"And where exactly do you think _you're _going?" asked Ron.

"Umm... to a House marathon?" suggested Yaxley.

"Oh I don't think so," said Ginny smugly. Ron and Neville both screamed 'Expelliarmus!' while Ginny performed a Reducto Curse. Neville disarmed Alecto and Ron, Amycus; but Ginny managed to bring Yaxley out of his black jet form using Reducto. Gibbon suddenly ran up the stairs, but the Order members were prevented from following due to an invisible barrier.

"WHERE'S EDWARD CULLEN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?" screamed Mad-Eye.

* * *

**The Horcrux Cave…**

"Water!" gasped Dumbledore. Dumbledore and Harry were standing on top of a small outcrop of crystal like rock. The rock was lit up by Harry's wand, and the water surrounding it, was pitch black. Harry ran down to the bottom of the lake, and scooped some water into a golden goblet. Before he knew it, a white gloved hand had seized his arm, and he wrenched it off. He stood back towards Dumbledore, horrified at what had happened. The water around them began churning, and horrible figures were rising above the surface. Standing in front of him, was unmistakably, a seriously deformed Mickey Mouse. It was entirely recognizable, except for the green acid dripping from its mouth and the empty sockets with no eyes. Around him, were more Disney characters appearing, with severe deformed parts in them as well. Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Pocahontas and Belle were trudging towards Harry, with disgusting stains on their clothes and a red gleam in their empty eyes. (I'm extremely unsure how Ariel could _walk _towards Harry!). Cruella de Vil was still holding her famed cigar, yet it no longer burnt as it used to. A hundred and one Dalmatians were skipping towards Harry, but his spells were completely ineffective. Finally, Simba dragged Harry off the rock and pulled him into the lake. Beneath the surface, Harry saw a war raging between the rightful owners of Pixar. He gasped for air, but Simba and Minnie Mouse were pulling him down. Suddenly, he felt as though an invisible hand was pulling him back towards the surface. There was a glitter of various logos attempting to chase the Disney characters away. Dumbledore was waving his wand around like a lasso, sending logos of Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures and DreamWorks towards the despicable creatures.

"Always know that the only thing a movie company fears; is another movie company, Harry!" laughed Dumbledore.

* * *

**The Astronomy Tower…OF DOOM!**

Harry and Dumbledore apparated to the apparently empty Astronomy Tower, knocking over several telescopes in the process. Dumbledore was surprisingly limp and weak, but Harry was holding Dumbledore steady.

"We need to get you to Madam Pomfrey, sir," said Harry. Dumbledore was talking to himself.

"– and can you please order a small diet coke for me and Minerva, Severus?" asked Dumbledore to the wall.

Harry stared at him. It was a lot like Mr. Crouch two years ago, yet Harry knew Dumbledore would never go insane.

"– Tom, can you fetch those Gucci shoes for me? They make me feel hot and sexy!" exclaimed Dumbledore. Whenever Dumbledore had a good taste for Muggle beverages or designer shoes, Harry did not know. Yet, he knew that he had to get Dumbledore to the Hospital Wing at once. Dumbledore suddenly placed his hand on Harry's shoulder, making him jump.

"Harry, you've shown true bravery tonight, and I thank you for it. But now, I need you to fetch Professor Snape," whispered Dumbledore. Harry protested at once, but Dumbledore shook his head. "I need Severus, Harry. Put your Invisibility Cloak on now. Head down to the Dungeons and inform him," ordered Dumbledore. There was a sudden roar of thunder, and Harry looked up at the sky. Above the tower, was a green eerie skull with a snake protruding from its mouth. The Dark Mark was sinisterly shining in the early morning sky. The grounds remained dark, but a yellowish orange tinge was seen in the horizon. Harry walked to the door, but footsteps were heard thundering up towards them. The door suddenly burst open, and a cry of 'Expelliarmus!' was heard from the doorway. Harry felt himself frozen on the spot, yet Expelliarmus did not freeze its target. Dumbledore's wand fell over the battlements and out of sight, and Draco was standing in the doorway, with his wand aimed at Dumbledore's chest.

"Good evening, Draco," said Dumbledore calmly.

"Its morning you idiot," corrected Draco.

"Very astute, yet I'm merely acting on J.K Rowling's orders," explained Dumbledore.

"Whatever old man," sighed Draco.

"What are you doing up here Draco?" asked Dumbledore.

"It's obvious why I'm here. If you watched the Half-Blood Prince movie you'd know anyway," said Draco.

"I did in fact watch it with Severus, but you tell me why you're here," said Dumbledore. It was a strange request, but not an order. Draco raised his eyebrow, before taking a seat, wand still raised.

"I'm here on a mission," stated Draco.

"Mission Impossible?" asked Dumbledore.

"NO! DAMN YOU TOM CRUISE WITH YOUR CATCHY THEME TUNE!" cursed Draco.

"Now, now Draco. We must make allowances for Muggles you know," advised Dumbledore.

"SCREW THE MUGGLES! SCREW YOU! I'M A BITCHIN CHARACTER IN THIS SUIT YOU KNOW!" screamed Draco.

"No matter how loud you scream, Draco, I'm still not deaf," remarked Dumbledore.

"So? This is like the fourth time I get to wear Muggle outfits!" exclaimed Draco.

"Why don't you ask Chris Columbus to change your outfits in the first two films?" asked Dumbledore.

"He wouldn't believe I existed," said Draco quietly.

"I'm sorry, Draco,"

"DON'T BE SORRY! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE TO DO!" bellowed Draco.

"Course I do. Severus has been keeping an eye on you on my orders,"

"NO HE HASN'T YOU OLD MAN! HE'S BEEN ON OUR SIDE FOR AGES! EVEN BEFORE YOU LET HIM IN THIS SCHOOL! HE'S A DOUBLE SPY FOR GOD SAKES! DIDN'T YOU READ DEATHLY HALLOWS?" demanded Draco. A sudden poof of smoke appeared, and the Harry Potter fans stormed in and bitch slapped Draco across the cheek.

"Snape's on the good side, Malfoy!" they screamed. Draco killed them all with several Killing curses.

"You are not a killer, Draco," said Dumbledore.

"ARE YOU BLIND? I JUST KILLED ALL THOSE RANDOM TOM FELTON FANS!" screamed Draco.

"No matter how emo you are, you are still a young boy who does not know what is in store," explained Dumbledore. Draco glared at him, before silently raging in his mind.

"What's next then, Dumbledore? The Dark Lord is going to make me strip naked and dance for him?" laughed Draco.

"Actually…" began Dumbledore.

"CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" ordered Draco.

"As you wish. He's going to make you strip naked for all of the Death Eaters," said Dumbledore calmly. Draco stared at him horrified, before raising his wand even higher than before.

"You are definitely a sick senile old man!" exclaimed Draco.

"Perhaps, but let's talk about how the Death Eaters got into the school,"

"Remember that Broken Vanishing Cabinet? The one Montague got stuck in last year? Well, they formed some sort of gateway between this one and its…"

"Pair. A sister, in another sense," said Dumbledore, understanding Draco's words.

"In Borgin and Burkes. Montague said that he heard Borgin talk about his secret affair with Madame Rosmerta, while he also heard that Macmillan talk about his relationship with Susan Bones," said Draco. Dumbledore nodded in understanding.

"Speaking of Rosmerta, she's been informing you of business involving your mission, hasn't she?" asked Dumbledore. Draco looked surprised that Dumbledore had known.

"She sent a message to me using an enchanted coin," said Draco.

"Isn't that the way of communication that the group known as the DA…"

"STOP MAKING YOUR LINES THE SAME IN THE BOOK!" shrieked Draco.

"I apologize, Draco. I only meant to…" began Dumbledore.

* * *

But what Dumbledore meant to say, would never be known. The door flew of its hinges, and the Death Eaters walked into the room.

"Draco! Why on earth is the Headmaster still alive?" demanded Yaxley.

"Never mind that! I'll eat him instead, shall I?" snarled Greyback, as he edged towards Dumbledore.

"NO!" screamed Rowle, as he whipped his wand out, sending Greyback crashing against a table full of metal objects. Cursing wildly, Greyback got up and glared at Rowle.

"The Dark Lord's order was clear! Draco's to do it!" yelled Rowle. Bellatrix was quietly giggling behind Rowle, with Alecto.

"I don't know why the Dark Lord's bothering to kill you at all, Dumbledore!" shrieked Bellatrix.

"Oh, I'm quite sure that he has a solid reason, Bellatrix," remarked Dumbledore. Bellatrix and Alecto stopped giggling at once.

"SHUT UP! YOU WERE AN AWFUL HEADMASTER WHEN WE WERE AT HOGWARTS!" screamed Bellatrix.

"And you weren't laughing when I revealed that you wore a metal bra, Alecto," said Dumbledore quietly. The Death Eaters stared at Alecto curiously.

"What? It was the fashion back then!" exclaimed Alecto. The Death Eaters ignored her, before turning back towards Dumbledore.

"Draco, if you haven't got the guts to kill him then let us finish him off!" barked Amycus.

"WAIT FOR IT! DRACO HAS ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!" yelled Rowle.

"No he hasn't," said a cold voice. Snape walked into the room, with his long black wand pointed at Dumbledore. Harry stood frozen and shocked at what was happening.

"Severus, please…"

It was the scariest and frightening sound Harry had ever heard. Dumbledore was on his knees, pleading to Snape. He raised his wand, and brought it down, sending a green jet of light towards the frail old Headmaster…

**To be continued…**

**

* * *

  
**

**The Author: I'm deeply sorry about this, Harry.**

**Harry: About what?**

**The Author: Leaving you with those awful Disney characters in the lake.**

**Harry: I've had worse.**

**The Author: Really? What about this?**

**(Luna appears out of no where)**

**Luna: Hi Harry! I've painted my eyebrow yellow for Slughorn's party! **

**Harry: Luna, the party isn't until next week.**

**Luna: I'm just dyeing it now for effect! Do you like it?**

**Harry: Uh…**

**Luna: I knew you would! Say, would you like to hear the commentary I've prepared for the next Quidditch match?**

**Harry: Actually…**

**Luna: Here comes Ginny Weasley with the Quaffle. I really like her. She stopped two Ravenclaws from laughing at me. I think those Ravenclaws were suffering from post- Michael Jackson stress.**

**Harry and the Author: …**

**Luna: Katie Bell is taking the Quaffle in possession. She got sent to St. Mungo's. I suspect that she got attacked by a mutant Wrackspurt. **

**Harry: No she didn't.**

**The Author: Shut up, Harry! Go on, Luna.**

**Luna: Thank you. Harry Potter has spotted the Snitch! He's going really fast now! Maybe he took some steroids and now he's getting angry without them?**

**Harry: No!**

**Luna: Shut up, Harry! If you readers would like to keep Harry's possessions, you can review, and I guarantee that you will all receive one of his possessions. **

**The Author: And I'll specify which gift you shall receive in the Author Note of the next chapter!**

**Harry: But I…**

**Luna: Go on then! REVIEW!**


	26. Chapter 26: Furbys, Articles and Tennis

**A/N: As mentioned in the previous chapter, reviewers who, er, review, get one of Harry Potter's very own possessions! **

**KenziCullen: Harry would like to reluctantly hand over his Marauder's Map to you, in hopes that they will assist you in your mischief-making!**

**Unnatural-Ketchup-Taco****: in Harry's wishes, he unwillingly hands over his Firebolt, in order to pursue your Quidditch dreams!**

**Draco Lover: Harry would be delighted (not), to give you his very own pair of glasses, in hope that you will remember him. **

**I congratulate all who reviewed on the previous chapter. And now, allow the chapter… to begin!**

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry and all of his possessions. ALL OF THE REVIEWERS DO!

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 26: Furbys, Articles and Table Tennis

**Previously…**

Snape walked into the room, with his long black wand pointed at Dumbledore. Harry stood frozen and shocked at what was happening.

"Severus, please…"

It was the scariest and frightening sound Harry had ever heard. Dumbledore was on his knees, pleading to Snape. He raised his wand, and brought it down, sending a green jet of light towards the frail old Headmaster…

* * *

**And now, the story continues!**

The green jet spun madly through the air, causing a rushing sound to echo throughout the Tower. Dumbledore closed his eyes calmly, as though falling asleep. Harry was frozen, shocked at what was happening, but also due to a Freezing charm. But something was wrong. The Avada Kedavra curse was frozen in mid-air, trapped by some invisible force. Dumbledore was utterly confused and puzzled, while the Death Eaters gasped with shock. There was a mutant Furby blocking the curse with its psychic powers. It had a horrible tuft of purple fur on its head, as well as two long rabbit ears. It snarled, before clearing its throat, and began speaking in some unknown language.

"Ouyay itchesbay!" it shrieked. The Death Eaters scratched their heads, confused at the crazy language,

"Is that Japanese?" asked Rowle. The Furby shook its head. Greyback was eyeing the Furby suspiciously, as though he expected it to attack at any minute.

"Who are you?" rasped Greyback. The Furby glared at him, before continuing on with its weird and psycho lingo.

"Ihay amhay peakingsay inhay igpay atinlay!" hissed the Furby. Draco suddenly understood the Furby's language. He walked up to it, and replied in the Furby's exact own language.

"Ihay eesay. Hyway arehay ouyay arehay?" asked Draco. The Furby gave him a furtive glance. (In order to keep my sanity in check, Pig Latin will now be in English!)

"I'm here to save Albus Dumbledore from possible doom. Without him, the events that would come after will be too ghastly and horrendous to discuss," said the Furby. Draco gazed at him shocked, while the Death Eaters, Dumbledore and Harry remained puzzled.

"DRACO ABRAXAS MALFOY! IF YOU DO NOT TELL US WHAT THE FURRY PURPLE FURBY IS TALKING ABOUT, WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU NEVER REPRODUCE CHILDREN!" roared Bellatrix. Draco whimpered loudly, before dashing behind a table filled with Astronomy trinkets. Bellatrix began losing her temper quickly, and started smashing the entire Tower apart with her wand.

"REDUCTO! REDUCTO! BOMBARDA! CONFRINGO! AVADA KEDAVRA!" hissed Bellatrix. Her curses exploded and demolished the ceiling, walls, tables and Giant Purple Furby. The Furby gave a loud screech, before falling to the floor dead. Dumbledore was suddenly stunned and shocked, and in the confusion, produced some unnecessary accidental magic. The spell's jet was a bright blue color, much like the one around a Portkey. The spell surrounded Draco and the other Death Eaters, trapping them in some sort of blue field. There was a rush of wind, and before Dumbledore and Harry knew it, they were gone. Dumbledore immediately lifted the enchantment off Harry, so that he would be able to move again. Harry lifted his invisibility cloak off, and immediately searched the place where Draco had been seconds before.

"Professor, what just happened?" asked Harry. Dumbledore looked incredibly grave.

"It seems, that the curse which was in my hand, has now disappeared," said Dumbledore, with a slight tone of relief. Sure enough, Dumbledore's hand was now clear of the black infection, and it had retained its normal tone. Suddenly, Mad-Eye, Kingsley and Lupin ran into the Tower looking dazed and confused at the destruction Bellatrix had caused.

"WHERE IN THE WORLD IS EDWARD CULLEN?" bellowed Mad-Eye.

* * *

**Malfoy Manor…**

Voldemort fell out of his chair, when the Death Eaters reappeared at Malfoy Manor.

"WHERE IN MERLIN'S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN?" demanded Voldemort, as he hoisted himself back into his chair. Greyback looked rather grim, as he grabbed a can of coke from the table in front of his master.  
"Dumbledore did something, my lord," said Greyback. Bellatrix was still throwing a tantrum, and she scratched the cover of one of the cushions sitting on a chair, into little pieces with her fingernails. Rodolphus rushed into the room immediately, to lead his distressed wife to the Anger Dome. He returned immediately, to listen to Draco's recount on the incident.

"– And then, I became sexiest man on Earth," said Draco pompously. Rodolphus snorted at Draco's comment.  
"Uh, are you _sure _that's what happened, Draco?" asked Rodolphus sincerely. Draco smirked at him.

"Oh I'm _sure _that is exactly what happened. Unless you want me to burn yours and Avery's Half-Blood Prince Collection, then I have nothing else to say," said Draco smugly. Rodolphus looked as though he was about to cry, which in fact he did, as he ran up the staircase and slammed a door shut. Voldemort sighed loudly, at another one of his failures. He walked over to the window, which had raindrops splattered across the panels.

"Maybe, we should refocus our target on Potter?" suggested Rowle. Voldemort shook his head.

"Dumbledore would go to any lengths to protect him,"

"But what about Deathly Hallows? Can't we reread it and work out where our flaws are?" asked Yaxley. Suddenly, the Harry Potter diehard fans stormed into the Manor, and repeatedly bitch slapped Yaxley across the face.

"NO ALTERING OF PLOTLINES!" they shrieked. With a flash of green light, the fans lay on the floor, dead from Yaxley's curse.

"To answer your question, Yaxley, we have read Deathly Hallows a few times, and our deaths will only come into place when the movies come out," said Voldemort. Yaxley fell into his armchair, depressed that his death would come in a year or so.

"So, we all die in 2010?" asked Yaxley.

"Only the people, who die before the first half of the book, die first," explained Voldemort. Yaxley sobbed silently, while Greyback coughed loudly to grab Voldemort's attention.

"If we only have about a year left, why don't we make all the effort to kill Potter?" asked Greyback. Voldemort was clearly thinking about Greyback's proposition.

"It just might work! Yes, we could attack Potter right now!" exclaimed Voldemort.

"But the defensive spells around his home are still intact," said Draco.

"We shall wait until the holidays then, Draco," said Voldemort. The Death Eaters were looking incredibly excited and happy. "In the meantime, Draco, I think you should return to Hogwarts. I mean, if you wish to spend another week of schooling, then so be it," said Voldemort. Draco looked highly surprised at his proposition, that he may have accidently accepted too early. With one wave of Voldemort's wand, Draco disappeared immediately. Lucius immediately appeared at the top of the staircase.

"Was that my son, my lord?" asked Lucius, who was wearing a towel, wrapped around his blonde hair and had his toenails painted bright pink.  
"No, no. Go back to your daily perm and manicure work, Lucius," said Voldemort quickly.

"Okey dokey!" exclaimed Lucius.

* * *

**The Great Hall the next day…**

Dumbledore was sitting at the High Table as usual, looking much more cheery than usual. Harry, Ron and Hermione could not share his optimism, seeing as they were concerned about Bill's injuries.

"Is Bill okay?" asked Harry. Hermione took a sip of her pumpkin juice, looking rather upset about something.  
"He's sustained some pretty nasty cuts and scratches, but I've seen Madame Pomfrey do amazing stuff with a wand," said Hermione. She had her Daily Prophet propped against a jug, and the page was at an article titled 'Hogwarts under Mayhem'. Ron was peering at the article curiously from the seat next to Hermione.

"Has Dumbledore done anything to help Bill?" asked Harry.

"I think he's done some anti-Dark magic spells to ward against the Werewolf infection, but there are still some traces of it," explained Hermione. Harry nodded, and resumed the eating of his buttered toast.

"Ron, if you want to read the sodding article, then read it!" hissed Hermione, as Ron tried to pull the newspaper out of Hermione's grasp. He finally gave up, and asked her nicely for it, which earned some pretty nasty glaring from Lavender Brown. Ron had the article spread neatly in front of himself and Harry. There was a picture to accompany the article, of the Dark Mark still glittering above the morning sky.

_HOGWARTS UNDER MAYHEM_

_By Rita Skeeter_

_Yesterday, the Dark Mark was sighted glowing high above the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts School. Hogsmeade correspondent, Damocles Derrick, says 'At approximately 3: 24 am, I saw a green jet of light shoot out of some wand at the top of the Astronomy Tower, which then obviously caused the Dark Mark to appear,'_

_It is currently unknown whether a Death Eater did in fact conjure the Mark, but there is also someone who is a student at the school, who could possibly be behind the disturbance. Harry James Potter, currently known under the alias 'The Chosen One', could be the next possible suspect of the panic and shock that the Dark Mark had caused. Two years ago, this reporter had uncovered some crucial information that would explain why He Who Must Not Be Named disappeared many years ago. Mr. Potter can in fact communicate with serpents or snakes. A Parselmouth, in other words. A wizard or witch who can freely communicate with snakes. Parselmouths are known to be a signature attribute of many dark wizards, including He Who Must Not Be Named himself. _

_Mr. Potter could in fact, be behind the Dark Mark as well as two other incidents at Hogwarts this year. The first of which, was the cursing of Katie Bell, a Gryffindor girl who was cursed by an enchanted necklace. The second attack was on Ronald Weasley, son of Arthur Weasley, Head of the Office for the Detection __and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects. Those who are close to Mr. Potter, should be wary of the fact that he might strip stark naked, and throw Boa Constrictors at you._

Harry had finished reading the article, shocked by the fact that her was portrayed as a nudist, as well as the fact that Rita Skeeter had broken her promise.

"Hermione! Wasn't she supposed to promise you that she wouldn't write any more nasty articles?" demanded Harry. Hermione looked simply furious and annoyed.

"I know Harry! I'm going to write to the Daily Prophet at once!" said Hermione fiercely. And she left the table without another word, stomping out of the hall with a quill and inkbottle in her right hand.

* * *

**Defense Against the Dark Arts…**

Hermione was back for Defense Against the Dark Arts, looking satisfied with her deed. Harry, Ron and Hermione shared their usual table at the front, where they expected Snape to swoop upon them, but in fact, there was hardly any sign of the Professor. The Gryffindors and Slytherins in the room were looking curiously around, as though expecting Snape to glide into the room like an overgrown bat. The classroom door opened quietly, and Professor Dumbledore strode in, with a cheery smile on his face. Harry had his jaw dropped so low, that it almost touched the table.

"Nothing to worry about! Professor Snape has gone on temporarily leave, or if you wish to view it as, _indefinite _leave," announced Dumbledore. There was heavy cheering at this announcement from the Gryffindors, but the Slytherins remained still and frozen like statues. "Today, you will be given a special project, or assignment," said Dumbledore. Nobody in the classroom was laughing now. They were now anxiously listening to Dumbledore carefully. "Starting from tonight, all 6th Year Gryffindor boys will move into the Slytherin Dormitory, while the 6th Year Slytherin girls will move into the Gryffindor Dormitory!" said Dumbledore cheerfully.

"And what, exactly is that supposed to prove?" asked Draco coldly.

"It's just a little inter-house relationship developing, Draco," said Dumbledore. Hermione raised her hand up high up into the air. "Yes, Miss. Granger?" asked Dumbledore nicely.

"Professor, why can't you mix the boys and girls together and not separate them?" asked Hermione.

"Well if you look at the statistics, there has been more conflict between girls between girls and boys between boys. So clearly this should help share some light!" chuckled Dumbledore. He then left the classroom without another word.

* * *

**The Slytherin Common Room Corridor…**

"Why on earth are we living inside that manky old common room?" complained Ron.

"That manky old common room happens to be my safe haven, Weasley," said Draco coldly. He was waiting outside the portrait, leaving it open for the Gryffindor boys to pull their heavy trunks into the green common room. Harry and Ron dropped their trunks onto an elaborate green carpet and sank into a black fluffy couch. "Dumbledore wanted me to tell you that you're sleeping in the girl's dormitory, Potter," sneered Malfoy. Harry gnashed his teeth together, before carrying his trunk below another staircase, which led to more and more stairs.

"Blimey! Where the hell are we going?" asked Ron.

"Dunno, but we're definitely not in Kansas anymore," remarked Harry. Ron dropped his trunk onto Harry's foot suddenly.

"Where?" asked Ron curiously.

"Never mind!" said Harry quickly, while trying to massage his painful foot.

They soon entered the most gruesome room of the entire castle. The girls' living quarters looked uncannily like Madam Puddifoot's, but a lot more tacky and horrifying. As Harry and Ron tried cutting the pink frilly drapes with Diffindo, Seamus and Dean walked in on them.

"MY EYES! THEY'RE BLIND!" screamed Seamus. The other boys laughed at him as he rolled around on the floor trying to rub his eyes. Neville had suddenly tripped into the room, and fell flat on his face.

"OWW!" moaned Neville. Harry and Ron helped him up, but once he saw the pink frilly drapes, he fainted right on the spot. Harry, Ron and Dean decided to cut the frilly drapes before Neville and Dean came round. Soon, there was hardly any pink in the room, and Draco had stumbled into the room, looking surprised at the great work they had done.

"Well, we're having a rumpus party up in the common room. Care to join?" asked Draco reluctantly. Harry stared at Malfoy suspiciously, before accepting. They walked back up the staircase without another word. The other 6th Year Slytherins were playing table tennis, which seemed to be a lot more difficult, seeing as the table tennis ball would move on its own like a Snitch. They sat down at one of the many couches, and watched Nott and Zabini play against each other.

"Come on Nott! Your dad can do much better than that!" laughed Zabini, as he whacked the ball back at Nott.

"Oh yeah? Well your mum is a filthy prostitute!" roared Nott. Everyone gasped at Nott's foul language. Even Zabini gaped at him, as the table tennis ball bounced right off his head.

"Oh no you didn't!" gasped Zabini.

"Oh yes I did!" laughed Nott.

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"DID!"

"DIDN'T!"

"DID!" screamed Nott.

"DID!" yelled Zabini.

"DIDN'T AND THAT'S IT!" bellowed Nott. Zabini and the other Slytherins smirked at Nott. They all laughed loudly, including Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus and Neville.  
"I don't what's wrong with me, but these Slytherins sure know how to live it wild!" exclaimed Ron. The rest of the boys agreed.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor Common Room…**

"Listen, Parkinson! If you want to stay in _our _dormitory, you'll have to abide by our rules," said Hermione smugly. Pansy and Millicent Bulstrode looked at Hermione nervously.

"What does t-that mean, G-Granger?" stuttered Pansy. Lavender and Parvati were standing next to Hermione, looking impressive and glaring at Pansy and Millicent evilly.

"In order for you to live here in peace, you have to join…THE SISTERHOOD OF THE BITCH!" cackled Hermione.

**To Be Continued....**

* * *

**Now...a skit!**

**Voldemort: Where on earth is this story heading?**

**The Author: I'm afraid I can't tell you.**

**Voldemort: AH HA! So that's what you're planning!**

**The Author: You're reading my fake memories, Voldemort.**

**Voldemort: Oh. I thought we would go to Paris and sip some wine?**

**The Author: Nup.**

**Voldemort: Pity.**

**(Snape pops up out of thin air)**

**Snape: WHAT ARE _YOU _DOING HERE?**

**The Author: You're in another skit, Snape.**

**Snape: But I don't wanna be in the skit!**

**Voldemort: You heard the Author! Now strip naked and do the Macarena!**

**Snape: BUT I DON'T WANNA!**

**Voldemort: DO IT NOW!**

**Snape: When I dance they call me macarena, and the boys they say that I´m buena. They all want me, they can´t have me. So they all come and dance beside me, move with me jam with me, and if your good i take you home with me. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena, Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. EEEH, MACARENA!**

**Voldemort: STOP, STOP! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE MUSICAL!**

**The Author: REVIEW IF YOU WANT TO STOP SNAPE FROM SINGING!**

**Snape: NEVER!**

**

* * *

Review please!**


	27. Chapter 27: Broccoli Flavored Chocolate!

**A/N: We are nearing the 100 mark of reviews for this story! I feel faint! Thank you all for the generous reviews you have given! **

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter in my dreams, but now, it still belongs to J.K Rowling.

**He Who Must Not Be Poked**

**And the**

**Dream Eaters**

Chapter 27: Broccoli Flavored Chocolate!

**Previously…**

"Listen, Parkinson! If you want to stay in _our _dormitory, you'll have to abide by our rules," said Hermione smugly. Pansy and Millicent Bulstrode looked at Hermione nervously.  
"What does t-that mean, G-Granger?" stuttered Pansy. Lavender and Parvati were standing next to Hermione, looking impressive and glaring at Pansy and Millicent evilly.

"In order for you to live here in peace, you have to join…THE SISTERHOOD OF THE BITCH!" cackled Hermione.

* * *

**And now, the story shall continue…**

"The what-hood of the what?" asked Pansy. Hermione smirked at Pansy.

"The Sisterhood of the Bitch. It's a secret society that I formed this year. The group only selects those who are female and are bitches. Isn't that right girls?" asked Hermione.

"Right!" exclaimed Parvati and Lavender. Hermione nodded satisfyingly.

"So, will you join us, or suffer?" asked Hermione dangerously. Pansy looked at Millicent nervously, who shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess so, Granger," replied Pansy. Hermione clapped her hands together in joy, and a long scroll of parchment appeared out of thin air.

"If you would sign _right _down near the bottom, you're officially a member," said Hermione. Pansy grabbed a quill and inkbottle, and tried to locate the very last signature.

"How many people are members?" asked Pansy in astonishment.

"Several hundred or so students. We've got all the first year girls and second years. We just need a couple more from the other years," explained Hermione. Pansy had finally located the last signature (Hannah Abbot's), and wrote her ridiculously frilly signature. Millicent Bulstrode took the quill from Pansy, and wrote her signature right beneath Pansy's. After they were finished, Hermione waved her wand, and the scroll of parchment disappeared.

"Is that it?" asked Pansy. Hermione had a most peculiar look on her face. It resembled smugness, but also had a sense of fear.

"Oh no. You have to experience a little initiation first!" cackled Hermione evilly. Pansy and Millicent shivered violently.

* * *

**The next day, in the Myrtle's bathroom…**

"– and that's what you have to do!" exclaimed Hermione. Myrtle was eyeing Hermione suspiciously from one of the cubicles, with only the top bit of her head sticking out of the toilet bowl. Millicent Bulstrode was nervously looking at Pansy, who stared back at her with worried eyes.

"Um, are you sure this is legal?" asked Pansy. Hermione smiled at her sincerely.

"If you don't want to do this task, you can always set fire to your…"

"NO! I mean, I'll go through with it!" said Pansy hastily. Hermione had a satisfied smirk on her face, and walked over to the entrance, and poked her head through the doorframe. She beckoned someone to join them, and she returned back, with Parvati, Lavender, Susan Bones, Cho Chang, Padma Patil and Hannah Abbot. They sat in a circle, surrounding a cauldron full of muddy grey colored potion. There were two flasks next to the cauldron, and Hermione conjured a ladle out of thin air using her wand. She scooped some of the muddy grey potion, and allowed it to drop right back into the cauldron. Pansy and Millicent were wearing Gryffindor uniforms, which looked uncomfortably tight. Hermione then ladled some of the grey potion into each of the flasks, and handed them to the two Slytherin girls. They nervously grabbed some hairs from out of two test tubes. Pansy had a few dark black hairs, while Millicent had some blazing red ones. They emptied them into their flasks which then turned their potions into two different colors. Pansy's turned into a molten gold kind of color, while Millicent's produced a kind of orangey red. There was a soft moaning from one of the cubicles, in which Myrtle gave a loud shriek and dived right down into the S-bend. Hermione jumped, and ran over to the cubicle, and waved her wand.

"Stupefy!" screamed Hermione. The moaning instantly ceased. Pansy and Millicent walked over to separate cubicles, and took their flasks with them. The remaining girls stared apprehensively at both of the cubicles that were occupied. There was heavy retching and coughing and spluttering, until finally, the two girls, or I should say, _guys _came out. Instead of Pansy and Millicent, were Harry and Ron. They were examining their faces in the mirror, when Hermione tapped them on the shoulder. "Okay, so you're to create as much havoc today, while Harry and Ron are knocked out," said Hermione, as she handed each of them water bottles filled with the same potion. They both nodded at her, and walked out of the bathroom.

* * *

**Transfiguration Classroom…**

"Now today, we'll practice simple Switching spells, _non-verbal_!" announced Professor McGonagall. There was much groaning throughout the class. Pansy and Millicent were both complaining loudly.

"But, Professor! You can't just teach us stupid fricken spells when we haven't even learnt the fricken basics!" complained Pansy. Everyone in the classroom gasped at _Harry's _sudden language.

"Mr. Potter! Please control yourself this instant!" ordered McGonagall. Pansy banged her fist onto the classroom desk.

"NO! I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED SOME STUPID NINETY YEAR OLD TEACHER WHO CAN'T EVEN GET A DATE!" roared Pansy/Harry.

"TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" shrieked McGonagall, banging her wand onto the desk. "AND I'M SEVENTY ONE FOR YOUR INFORMATION!" corrected McGonagall. Pansy/Harry had finally given up her/his yelling and screaming. Millicent/Ron on the other hand, was still standing up in anger.

"Professor Bitchgonagall! Your face is like the shape of Texas, and that's not even a compliment!" yelled Millicent. McGonagall turned bright red, before shrieking at _Ron_.

"MR. WEASLEY! DO NOT MAKE MATTERS WORSE FOR POTTER AND YOURSELF!" bellowed McGonagall. Millicent/Ron came back with a rude retort for McGonagall.

"WELL MAYBE WE WANT TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE FOR OURSELVES! PERHAPS WE SHOULD JUST QUIT THIS STUPID CLASS? IT'S NOT AS THOUGH YOU'RE THE TEACHER OF THE YEAR, IS IT?" retorted Ron.

"THAT'S ENOUGH! DETENTION FOR BOTH OF YOU!" screamed McGonagall.

"FINE!" said _Harry_ and _Ron_. They grabbed their bags and stormed out of the classroom.

* * *

**Potions Classroom…**

"Today, I thought we could brew something a little easier than usual!" exclaimed Professor Slughorn.

"Wait just one second!" screamed Harry. "How did we suddenly get from Transfiguration to Potions in just one sentence?" demanded Harry. Slughorn stared at Harry curiously, before continuing with his speech.

"Now as I was saying, we'll be concocting a fourth year potion, which, as you may already know, is called the Wit-Sharpening Potion! Now, the things you must know…"

"BORING!" yelled Ron. The Slytherins couldn't bear to not crack a small smile at Ron's/Millicent's words. Slughorn looked highly shocked.

"Ronald Wenby! Never, in all my years at this school, have experienced such appalling…" began Slughorn.

"OH EAT SOME CRAP WILL YOU?" laughed Harry. Slughorn jumped in shock at Harry's/Pansy's words.

"If you will behave yourselves, then we shall continue on with the lesson, Harry?" said Slughorn firmly. He then waddled to his teacher's desk and sat down, reading the essays in which the other students have brought to class. Harry/Pansy flipped the pages of his/her Advanced Potion Making copy, looking bored as he/she looked at the pages. Hermione had stolen Harry's actual textbooks, and gave them to Pansy, in order to be as convincing as possible. Ron/Millicent on the other hand, had to use her original books, which turned out to be second-hand. Pansy was just stirring her magenta concoction, when Slughorn appeared immediately at the front of her table.

"Harry, I don't know what is going on between you and Miss. Weasley, but I would like to let you know, that I have a supply of anti-break up potions in my office if you would like some," said Slughorn. Harry glared at Slughorn menacingly, before crushing his ingredient with poison. Slughorn proceeded over to Millicent Bulstrode, who was rather anxious to be in a class in which she had not achieved the OWL for.

"Mr. Wenby! If you do not mix your ingredients properly, I may have to reject you from this class!" said Slughorn gravely. Millicent glared at Slughorn, before slamming the textbook down onto the table, and flicking through the pages madly. From the Slytherin Table, Nott and Draco were examining Ron/Millicent curiously.

"I swear that Potter and Weasley are getting more emo!" remarked Draco. Nott agreed with him.

* * *

**Malfoy Manor…**

"Minions. I require a number of you to retrieve several objects for me!" ordered Voldemort. He was standing on a chair, addressing all of the Death Eaters. They were listening curiously at Voldemort's instructions. "Tomorrow, we are hosting our very own Death Eater Annual Awards '09!" exclaimed Voldemort. The Death Eaters applauded loudly at Voldemort's announcement. "First, I require a group of you to retrieve an Academy Award. We shall need it to duplicate it using _Gemini _spells! We also need a Pensieve, so that we may know exactly what each Death Eater winner has accomplished," said Voldemort. The Death Eaters grabbed out pieces of parchment and wrote the information down. "Next, we shall require decorations! Make sure they're black and red this year! Don't make the same mistake like last year by buying pink and purple like Dolohov did!" warned Voldemort. Dolohov started crying loudly, before running to the bathroom and slamming the door shut. "Also, we need punch, a band and enough food for all of us! Crabbe and Goyle, you are _officially never going to ever, look after the food…AGAIN_!" roared Voldemort. Crabbe and Goyle were like statues. Statues that were drooling and were getting eaten by Greyback. He Who Makes The Death Eaters Do Many Irritating Jobs, walked out of the room, and allowed the Death Eaters to leave and fetch the supplies.

* * *

**Borgin and Burkes…**

"– and why, Borgin, may I not purchase that item?" asked Lucius coldly.

"Because it's sold to another customer, Mr. Malfoy," explained Borgin. The dusty and gloomy shop was even dustier and gloomier than ever. The Vanishing Cabinet stood sinisterly in the corner of the shop, as well as the empty glass cabinet where the cursed necklace sat once. Snape, Lucius, Bellatrix, Rodolphus and Avery were wearing shrouded cloaks, which enhanced their mysteriousness. Lucius was dangerously pointing his wand at Borgin's neck. Snape was standing beside him, looking almost bored watching Lucius threaten Borgin.

"Who the hell wants a fricken Academy Award for Best Actor?" demanded Lucius.

"I do!" exclaimed Avery.

"Shut up," said Lucius firmly. "So, who bought it?"

"I'm afraid that would violate store rules," said Borgin.

"RULES ARE FOR SISSYS!" bellowed Lucius.

"Hey! Don't bag my sister!" warned Bellatrix. Lucius apologized, before turning his gaze back upon Borgin.

"Also, I want that old Pensieve you have," said Lucius. Borgin stared at him surprised.

"The one above the Vanishing Cabinet? But why?" asked Borgin.  
"I don't think you need to know what I'm using it for, Borgin!" hissed Lucius.

"To place your dirty thoughts within it, Lucius?" sniggered Rodolphus. Lucius snarled at him.

"You may be my brother-in-law, but that doesn't mean I can't force you to watch every single episode of the Powerpuff Girls for ten hours straight!" threatened Lucius. Rodolphus shivered at the thought of it. Lucius pressed his wand under Borgin's throat more firmly than before. "Now, where was I? Ah yes! GIVE ME THE PROPHECY NOW! OR WATCH YOUR FRIENDS…DIE!" cackled Lucius. He was insane, and it was a pity that there wasn't a close Anger dome near by.

"Should we help him?" asked Avery anxiously. Bellatrix shook her head in disagreement.

"No, no! Let's take him back to the Manor," said Bellatrix. Bellatrix summoned both the Award and Pensieve using her wand and, with a loud pop, the Death Eaters were gone, leaving nothing behind except for Rodolphus's pink underwear.

"Curse splinching!" roared Rodolphus some hundred kilometers away.

* * *

**Honeydukes…**

Alecto, Amycus, Rowle, Yaxley, Jugson and Rabastan were fetching the food from Honeydukes. They had stunned the shop owners, and were stealing the many jars of candy and sweets from the shelves. Alecto and Amycus were eyeing the Peppermint Mice with great interest. Rowle was staring disdainfully at the icy-poles that resembled each of the wanted Death Eaters, which was titled 'ICE EATERS! GREAT FOR THROWING AT THE ACTUAL DEATH EATERS AS WELL AS LICKING ON A HOT DAY!'

Yaxley was eating a wrapped toffee, which unfortunately turned out to be a Ton-Tongue-Toffee which Fred and George left at the shop the previous year. Jugson was inspecting the Odd Confectionary Aisle, which had several distasteful treats such as: Cockroach Cluster, Blood Lollipops, Sugar Limbs and other treats. Rabastan was looking at a magazine from behind the counter, titled 'THE SORCERER'S SCONE? ICE-CREAM LIKE NEVER BEFORE!'

Soon after their bags were full they all disapparated out of the shop.

* * *

**Not too far away, at the Three Broomsticks…**

Rookwood, Selwyn, Crabbe, Goyle and Travers were waiting patiently outside the door to the Three Broomsticks. Rookwood signaled for Travers to burst through the door with their wands raised. Rookwood raised his leg in the air, and kicked the door wide open.

"ALL RIGHT! THIS IS AN ATTEMPTED ROBBERY! PUT YOUR HANDS UP RIGHT IN THE AIR AND NO ONE HAS TO GET HURT!" bellowed Rookwood as he stormed into the warm tavern. Everyone in the room was shaking madly, and Madam Rosmerta was looking at the Death Eaters, dumbfounded. Travers walked around the tavern, checking that no hostage could escape. Crabbe and Goyle just stood outside, confused that they should either move or stay where they were. Selwyn summoned a barrel full of punch using his wand, and a large oak barrel collided with his chest and sent him flying through the window. The shattered glass spilled outside onto the pavement, while Rookwood sneakily grabbed kiss from Madam Rosmerta. Travers was staring at him with disgust.

"Oh my god! That's totally sick! She's like twenty years younger than you! Wait… CHILD MOLESTER!" accused Travers. A crowd of Michael Jackson fans burst into the tavern, carrying battered albums of his song work.  
"LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE!" they howled. They disappeared in a puff of green smoke, but it wasn't long, until the mad Potter fans stormed in.

"LEAVE HARRY ALONE!" they shrieked, bitch slapping Travers to the next millennium. They were killed immediately by Travers's curses, but another group of fans stormed into the tavern.

"LEAVE HOUSE ALONE!" they all screamed. Shockingly enough, Bellatrix was leading the pack, wearing a black t-shirt, with the insignia 'Everybody lies'. She was holding a large banner saying another barbaric line from the popular series.

"NOBODY TOUCHES THAT MAN. BUT ME!" said Bellatrix dangerously.

* * *

**A DECORATION MUGGLE STORE…**

"GREYBACK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO _HOLD _THE CONFETTI, NOT CHUCK IT INTO THE AIR!" roared Mulciber. He, Greyback, Macnair, Nott and Wormtail were failing to act like a group of fake wizards looking for early Halloween decorations. The brightly colored confetti sank through the air like snow, but unfortunately, one of the pieces collided with Wormtail's eyes.  
"ARGH! GET IT OUT NOW!" howled Wormtail, as he ran for the boys toilets. The store manager was looking anxiously at the bunch of weirdos who had entered the store from the back instead of the front. To shake the matters out of his head, he walked over to a family of four, who were looking at balloons. Macnair was eyeing the plastic axes with glee, until Nott had to drag him away from it. Greyback was highly appalled at the incredibly plastic werewolf costume, which _looked _like a small irritating Chihuahua. After grabbing as many red and black balloons, confetti and streamers, the Death Eaters left without even paying for their decorations.

* * *

**Malfoy Manor…**

Everyone was inspecting the items in which that they had stolen, purchased or borrowed without permission. Come to think of it, most of them were stolen! Voldemort was nodding satisfyingly at the excellent condition each of the items was in. He immediately hid the food away from Crabbe, Goyle and Peter, as well as hiding the punch from Rodolphus, Rabastan and Avery. He was just about to make some cobwebs on the ceiling disappear, when Snape had tapped him on the shoulder.

"My lord, what on earth is this author going to call this chapter?" asked Snape. Voldemort pondered this thought for a while.

"I was thinking…BROCCOLI!" laughed Voldemort. Snape stared at him in wonder.

"Really? I was thinking chocolate!" exclaimed Snape. Lucius sat down next to them.

"I was thinking about the many flavors of lip balm! Like Strawberry!" said Lucius cheerfully.

"It's settled then! This chapter shall be called…_BROCCOLI FLAVORED CHOCOLATE_!" announced Voldemort.

* * *

**The End**

**NOT! This story has a lot more in store later on! In the meantime, lets have a little skit, shall we?  
**

**Draco: You again?**

**The Author: Yep!**

**Draco: I hardly did anything in this chapter, except for one line.**

**The Author: Well we have our moments and then we don't, Draco.**

**Draco: I know!**

**The Author: Speaking of moments, how's that relationship going on with DracoLover?**

**Draco: It's been swell!**

**The Author: Excellent. Allow me to get Ginny to give you advice!**

**(Ginny appears out of no where)**

**Ginny: First, when she says she wants to go on a date, you say 'I'd do anything for you, dear'**

**Draco: Isn't that a bit corny?**

**Ginny: I'M IN CHARGE HERE! Anyway, you go on a date right? Buy her flowers instead of chocolates. They make a better impression.**

**Draco: Can't we skip to the part where **_**you **_**make me persuade the readers to review?**

**The Author: We could… but it's much more fun to watch you suffer!**

**Ginny: Now when you go to the movies…**

**And this love/relationship pep talk goes on for ten more hours…**


End file.
